Leaving a band

[benleb]

Is there anyone who wants to share their experience of leaving a band.

How you did it, how did it go? What were the arguments that forced you to do it?

[Outkaster]

I had to leave one not by choice but by accident. I find it very hard to play with people for 5 years and not have any kind of emotional attatchment.Otherwise it's just a gig and you might as well play in a wedding band. Our base player had to move unexpectedly and he was unreplaceable. But I would have gotten out eventually because I did not like what the musical director was doing and he was not even a good musician on top of it. I used to be playing and think "when or how can I leave, what will I be leaving behind?, and who get's hurt. But your frustration will show eventually and you should just leave. Thing of it is that it gets harder as time goes on. People stay in bands because they are comfortable but it in my case it got old. You hang on thinking something "will get better". It usually does not. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that the bass player had to leave because it forced me to move on. Thing is it was pretty hard after all that time. It is never and easy thing because peoples prides and feelings come into play.

[SomeGuyNamedRob]

Originally posted by benleb
Is there anyone who wants to share their experience of leaving a band.

How you did it, how did it go? What were the arguments that forced you to do it?

For my last band (when I was in Montreal no less) it was less about arguments as it was lack of ambition on anyone else's part. None of my other bandmates wanted to gig, or write, or play a song from top to bottom. It was an excuse to drink beer and get away from their girlfriends for the day to them.

[TheSandwich]

Originally posted by Outkaster
I had to leave one not by choice but by accident. I find it very hard to play with people for 5 years and not have any kind of emotional attatchment.Otherwise it's just a gig and you might as well play in a wedding band. Our base player had to move unexpectedly and he was unreplaceable. But I would have gotten out eventually because I did not like what the musical director was doing and he was not even a good musician on top of it. I used to be playing and think "when or how can I leave, what will I be leaving behind?, and who get's hurt. But your frustration will show eventually and you should just leave. Thing of it is that it gets harder as time goes on. People stay in bands because they are comfortable but it in my case it got old. You hang on thinking something "will get better". It usually does not. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that the bass player had to leave because it forced me to move on. Thing is it was pretty hard after all that time. It is never and easy thing because peoples prides and feelings come into play.


It is hard. My story, at least to me, kind of parallels yours.

[Scheming Demon]

IMO the professional way to leave a band is to tell your bandmates face to face that you've decided to move on. That you will fulfill any obligations the band has made up to a reasonable time frame (which can be negotiable with the remaining members).

That would apply in a situation where you have not been financially screwed over, lied to (in a serious nature) or otherwise conned or stolen from. In that case, I would just leave immediately with no notice because they have not earned that level of respect.

[ChrisL]

We had a member leave our band a couple months back. He was very professional about it and let us know face to face. His leaving was due to moving out of town for personal reasons. Money wasn't mentioned until he was already settled in his new town.

That being said, what do feel someone is entitled to after leaving the band? This member was our bass player and had a hand in writing most of our songs (we mostly collaborate). We haven't recorded yet and don't own any common band gear.

We did negotiate some financial terms, but I'd like to get some opinions here to see if he or we got hozed.

[Mikeo]

I once left a band I cofounded, after the drummer who hardly contributed anthing to the band, walked into practice and said "is this going to take long" (he was busy doing everything else and just about involved in every sales scam there was.

I said "no" packed up my guiyar and amp and left. Atfer that the other guitar palyer and I looked for another bass player and drummer. We played for just about another year and a half, and got a gig at CBGB's in NYC (damn cool place), meet and had a few meetings with CBS records ( the rep at CBS had records of Uncle Tupelo on his desk) (they didn't get a deal with CBS either) and had some contacts with Geffen Records. The Rep at Geffen said we sounded like another band they just signed called Nirvana. I had never heard of them, and looked for there record, but I don't think Nevermind was out yet.

A year later they were the biggest thing since sliced bread. When Kurt Cobain killed himself I was going to call Geffen back and let them know I was still interested.

I just date myself pretty much.

[TheSandwich]

Originally posted by Mikeo
I once left a band I cofounded, after the drummer who hardly contributed anthing to the band, walked into practice and said "is this going to take long" (he was busy doing everything else and just about involved in every sales scam there was.

I said "no" packed up my guiyar and amp and left. Atfer that the other guitar palyer and I looked for another bass player and drummer. We played for just about another year and a half, and got a gig at CBGB's in NYC (damn cool place), meet and had a few meetings with CBS records ( the rep at CBS had records of Uncle Tupelo on his desk) (they didn't get a deal with CBS either) and had some contacts with Geffen Records. The Rep at Geffen said we sounded like another band they just signed called Nirvana. I had never heard of them, and looked for there record, but I don't think Nevermind was out yet.

A year later they were the biggest thing since sliced bread. When Kurt Cobain killed himself I was going to call Geffen back and let them know I was still interested.

I just date myself pretty much.

Are you being honest?

[BluesBabe]

Our bass player left the band recently. For the past six months or so he had been unhappy but hadn`t told the rest of us. Instead he tried to change the set, whinged about bringing in a singer, went on about doing different material, and so on. Then he started trying to play the rest of us off against each other. Finally, when none of this worked, he told us that he wanted to leave. If only he had said so right at the start it would have saved so much bad feeling.

[Mikeo]

Originally posted by TheSandwich


Are you being honest?

Totally, this is real true story.

[BlueStrat]

Originally posted by TheSandwich
Oh shit...well...I called it quits on a band I founded. This happened a couple of weeks ago. Not to sound like a cocky prick, but everything that every happened during the bands one year existence, whether good or bad, was done by me. I had to play every practice, book every gig, write every song, buy all the equipment. The work was enough to get us some label interest.

But the label wanted us to put a record out. So I booked some time in a studio. My bandmates were fine with that. The drummer and I (I play guitar, and was going to do bass on the record)were getting situated the night before we were supposed to go into the studio, you know, getting equipment packed and everything. I go home, and get a call from the drummers parents. (We are all 16, by the way). They give me some bullshit excuse about why they don't want him going into the studio tomorrow. Complete bullshit. After much arguing, I was able to conclude that it boiled down to the money. You see, just that day I had brought up the concept of money, and that we needed some for the next day. Well shit, I thought it would be no problem. These people are RICH. Rich I tell you. Oh well. I volunteered to pay their part with money I can't afford to spend. They kept up with the bullshit excuses. This has happened before with the band. I end up having to do everything. That night I decided to "disband" the group. I will not have someone else control my band. Ever. Plus, I was sick of the rampant laziness that those guys did. By quitting the band, I took over 100 songs with me. These guys still have the option of continuing the band, but that might have taken some work on their part.

Good thing about it is, I just joined a hardworking band that gigs regularly. I'll be playing bass. Plus, the labels and studio still have interest in my solo project I am working on.


This sounds a lot like my story, only I didn't found the band I left, I took it over from the founder at his request, but everything else sounds true to form. I did make one CD with them though, but all the promo, all the press, all the festivals, distributor, etc etc all was on me. I finally had enough of trying to pull a stubborn mule to water and trying to make him drink, and after 5 years I quit and took the drummer with me and went out on my own, under my own name.
Partnerships are fine when everyone has nothing, but when nothing turns into something, watch human nature turn the nicest people into self serving dicks. Read David's post about 3rd Eye Blind. I came to the conclusion that, being that my name and my music are all I have to market, I would be sole proprietor, but be totally up front about it. My guys all work for me as sidemen. I only wish I would have come to this understanding at 16, as you have, rather than at 43.

[filthykarma]

Ahhhh, the breaking of the band . . .

I started a band in late '99 with an old friend of mine who is an excellent drummer. For the next two years, I was accused of not "wanting success", not doing enough for the band, not being "serious', etc.

All that despite the fact that we always practiced at my place, and when I bought my first house at the end of 2000, I specifically bought one for the bandroom alone.

I also made some kick-ass flyers (I am in print pre-press biz, so I have access to high-end graphics), scheduled all but 3 or 4 of around 50 auditions with other musicians, fully carried my 1/4 of the studio bill without a problem, rented and eventually bought a PA for the whole band to use, ect. . .

At the end of 2001, I quit and they left. I tinkered with some tunes and tried to get new members until I met up with my first DAW user in late February of this year. I now have my own set-up and will be making all the music for me to sing to all by myself.

Getting rid of them guys, picking up my own DAW and learning keyboard & midi will do much to create beautiful music and advance my opportunities. Better than having to put up with a bunch of crappy attitudes and creative differences . . .

Layyyter . . .

[TheForumGuy]

badonka bump

[daveski]

I just posted about this yesterday in the 'backstage' forum.
I was the newest arrival in the band, they bounced the other guy for playing too loud. It was an alleged southern rock/country band.
After playing out with them twice and 5-6 practices, I can imagine that he was only trying to hear himself. These people had no discipline or proper dynamics. Drums & bass overpowering everything, and a former kareeookie singer girl trying to out-do them. The 2 guitarists were just wall dressing.
As a blues/boogie band, everything would probably be fine, but the girl was choosing songs with 'high' production (a couple of Shania Twain & Martina McBride songs for example). The worst part is that she was not a good enough singer to do these songs and was just plain unprofessional in all manners. While doing all of her 'swan-songs', she just couldn't cut it - she would sharp or flat or lose timing or all of the above. She had absolutely no musical training/abiliity.
At the last gig, the client asked the band to turn down repeatedly, but those requests were ignored. I turned down, and of course couldn't hear myself. so I had to bring it up somewhat to hear what I was doing. My wife and parents were in the crowd and later told me during a break that they couldn't hear me. They left in disgust, as did most of the rest of the crowd, long before closing time. Ditto the previous gig.
My wife suggested I disassociate from them asap so I did. I reluctantly phoned the bass player (assumed leader of the band) and quit. I felt bad leaving because he really is a nice guy and wants to get a good thing together, but as a leader he wouldn't do what he had to do - which was to get things under control. I spoke to him repeatedly about my concerns, but nothing ever changed. I believe they are afraid to confront the singer for fear of her leaving, in my opinion that would be the best thing to happen, but what do I know, I am just the new guy/outsider.
I know i'm gonna miss playing out, I guess the search will resume for the right guys.
If you are located near Bloomington Indiana and want to do blues, daveski style, get in touch.

www.soundclick.com/daveski

[guitarmook]

Originally posted by TheSandwich
After much arguing, I was able to conclude that it boiled down to the money. You see, just that day I had brought up the concept of money, and that we needed some for the next day. Well shit, I thought it would be no problem. These people are RICH. Rich I tell you.

I will not have someone else control my band. Ever.



I'm sure we don't know the whole story here, but it strikes me as wrong for someone to expect TOTAL creative control, and yet expect others to contribute money. You're crazy if you think other people are gonna just give you money and not expect to have some say in what that money produces.

[MartinC]

I've left a few bands:
1. Female singer, good lookin but not good enough vocals. The other players were apparantly smitten by her looks and couldn't get the wax out of their ears long enough to hear that she sucked!

2. Not enough money, too much Bull-this group opened for a lot of biggies, recorded an album with a top engineer, great studio, but never released it. Great band, but they are still talking about releasing the recording 15 YEARS later-they are in fantasy land.

3. Gigs dried up-I gave up a house and a girl for this one-went to Europe and the thing dried up. After a month cooling my heels in Italy in a low rent hotel, I bolted. Came home broke.

4. Latin Jazz orchestra-the leader carried a piece and was a scary dude-the gig ended at 4:00am-hated to give up playing that music and playing with those great players, but the guy creeped me.

5. flamenco company-endless reheasals, low paying gigs-dance company leaders expect you to show up for a theatre gig 2 hours before the downbeat. Once the guy ran through the whole show prior to ......the show!!

6. Southern rock band-the leader was an alcholic-one hard drink and he'd turn into a completey different guy. When he smacked his wife, I called it quits.

7. Lame ass group fronted by three homley punkish chicks, who, incredibly, played the best clubs and had a following. They threw me out for missing a sound check. I finally got to tell them what I thought of their "act" Only band I've ever been fired from, and it was perhaps, the worst one I've ever gigged with.

8. my own group-I've put it on the shelf for as long as a year, but then the agent calls and, the cash register rings!! If he stops calling, I'm probably done.

[daddymack]

I've left enough bands...many which I co-founded and watched devolve.
Always be upfront about leaving, why, and when.
Reasons for leaving where usualy either about lack of agreement on direction, or personality issues.
I think the Sandwich, at 16, has learned a good lesson, but there are levels of compromise yet to be achieved.

The last two bands that I left are both bands I co-founded. The first one was a mix of covers and originals, a three piece with a singer, although we all did lead vocal duties during our shows. That band chameleoned from a folk-rock to pop-rock to country-rock to a rock-funk and finally a 'soul' band...which was when I left. None of our originals fit the format, and I was trying to shop songs. We had lost our lady vocalist, and had melded with a vocal trio that our bassist (the other co-founder) had stumbled on.

Their 'leader' and I were worlds apart musically, and he was a percussionist. I now had to work out the parts for an additional rhythm guitar and keys, whereas we had always worked up our own parts. I was working too many hours, and no one wanted to gig until everything was 'perfect', which was unacceptable to me. Vocal harmonies were the strong suit for both groups, but the combination of six voices was not working...we sounded like a choir, rather than a band.

The final straw was their 'leader' showed up at rehearsal saying he 'booked' a gig for us..at a private party in Beverly Hills, lots of media people in attendance...and hands us a set list which is strictly the material he sings lead...and I looked at him and said, "um, the pacing ain't there, and I for one will go on record that no one will want to listen to your voice for an hour"....we did after all have six lead singers in the band...but he insisted that these people were expecting 'him'...and I said, "okay, so when and how much?"
And he says "This Saturday"...and everyone is looking at him like he's nuts, because his material is not ready, and we all know it...and I asked again "how much are they paying?" and he says "We're doing this one for free"
And I said "then you can do it without me, because this isn't how our band is supposed to work...we don't play for free, and we don't 'spotlight members' and we definitely don't book on short notice without everyone knowing".

I really knew this guy was blowing smoke, and was strictly using us to move his trio...and after we all discussed it, I told them, "if you guys want this gig, this way, go ahead, but I am, at this moment, no longer in this band."
And they all bitched at me, and I told the other 'leader' if he expected me to play that gig 'his way', he would to pay me, which I knew he wouldn't. Anyway, they played the gig without me, it was an embarassment to all concerned, the band hired a new guitarist and broke up about three months later.

The other band, well, I had reached a point where even though we were gigging, there were too many clams in the sauce, and the weakest members made the most noise about everything. Finally I called a band meeting and read them a list of issues. Finally I jst stood up amidst all the whining and name calling and said, 'fergit it, I'm outta here!' and I packed my axes and amp and walked out. Key members of that band reformed into what is my current band....and we are going into our seventh year.

[schmatass]

Is there anyone who wants to share their experience of leaving a band.

How you did it, how did it go? What were the arguments that forced you to do it?

Unfortunately, been through about five of these situations over the last 12 years. But I have to say, most of the splits we're relatively drama free - all but one...a few bruised egos and ruffled feathers mind you, but nothing earth shattering.

Probably the most common reason for my leaving was:

1. I couldn't stand certain members...you know, the ones that have overly inflated egos that think they know everything yet can't play for shit themselves.

2. Lack of commitment - laziness/work ethic/drive

3. Lack of communication - ability to communicate effectively, opening and honestly - a major problem for a lot of musicians.

4. Personality/Character/Trust - the first part ties in with number one, but you find out a whole lot of things about people the more time you spend around them and therein lies the problem with joining a band. You can't possibly know everything there is to know about someone. And at first, most guys are on their best behavior, but when the terrain gets a little rough over time, that's when you really find out what kind of company your in....at least that's been my experience.

5. Musical differences - come on, you know I had to list the most commonly overly used excuse there is.

6. Priorities/Goals/Plans/Focus - failure to plan and set goals (long term and short term) and reach them within a relatively reasonable time frame. Ability to prioritize and focus on all things band - leave your personal life at home - nobody wants to here about your girlfriend/wife bitching about your being gone, or how rough it is paying bills. It's not a matter of being insincere or lacking compassion for others, it's a matter of what's productive and healthy for the band in the long run.

I wish I could've figured this out at 20 instead the age of 33. It is my sincere hope to all of you would-be-famous-want-to-rule-the-world-hopefuls out there that you read this over and over again.

Be well....

[nerol1st]

I quit 3 bands, it was never hard because they knew it was comming and respected the choice. Remain friends with all my former band mates.

[Blackwatch]

I quit the trio I was in mainly because my bass player/best friend just started getting so damn mean about the music. He demanded that things be a certain way on MY Songs. I gave him complete control over his bass parts ( which was a mistake as he played too much and too loud ) But his ideas on what my songs should be just didn't fly.
But it was really how he chose to communicate his frustrations that ended it. I refuse to take abuse from anyone anymore.....(Well.....except my wife.............naw....not ever her)
Well it just blew up one day and I told him it was over....that simple.

[Tamapete28]

I left the band of my dreams for the woman of my dreams......

It all started back in sept. of '02, I was in this hard rock band for about 2 years and things were slowly going downhill. The band that I founded, was just denied a record contract, (courtesy of an ex-girlfriend I now call doushbag...) we had lost our rehersal space, and was losing our fan base rapidly... and well I had just started talking to this woman online from texas.... (I'm from MA).

Well anyway, she came up to see me in october of the same year and I went to texas to visit for a week in december. Well, things went very well, and when I came back to MA, I told the guys that they needed to start looking for another drummer. (I had lost my job, my car, and was losing my house at this point)

Well of course they didn't believe that I would leave the band of my dreams for some woman, so they put it off as long as they could. Well in January of '03, I told them that I was leaving. I packed my shit and left for texas. they were pissed of course and I was told that they were going to rebuild and be better than before..... 2 months after that, they broke up...

I've been happily married for 3 years now and I'm still doing the whole band thing down here.

[Weirdocat]

Originally posted by schmatass
Is there anyone who wants to share their experience of leaving a band.

How you did it, how did it go? What were the arguments that forced you to do it?

Unfortunately, been through about five of these situations over the last 12 years. But I have to say, most of the splits we're relatively drama free - all but one...a few bruised egos and ruffled feathers mind you, but nothing earth shattering.

Probably the most common reason for my leaving was:

1. I couldn't stand certain members...you know, the ones that have overly inflated egos that think they know everything yet can't play for shit themselves.

2. Lack of commitment - laziness/work ethic/drive

3. Lack of communication - ability to communicate effectively, opening and honestly - a major problem for a lot of musicians.

4. Personality/Character/Trust - the first part ties in with number one, but you find out a whole lot of things about people the more time you spend around them and therein lies the problem with joining a band. You can't possibly know everything there is to know about someone. And at first, most guys are on their best behavior, but when the terrain gets a little rough over time, that's when you really find out what kind of company your in....at least that's been my experience.

5. Musical differences - come on, you know I had to list the most commonly overly used excuse there is.

6. Priorities/Goals/Plans/Focus - failure to plan and set goals (long term and short term) and reach them within a relatively reasonable time frame. Ability to prioritize and focus on all things band - leave your personal life at home - nobody wants to here about your girlfriend/wife bitching about your being gone, or how rough it is paying bills. It's not a matter of being insincere or lacking compassion for others, it's a matter of what's productive and healthy for the band in the long run.

I wish I could've figured this out at 20 instead the age of 33. It is my sincere hope to all of you would-be-famous-want-to-rule-the-world-hopefuls out there that you read this over and over again.

Be well....

you've just listed all the reasons I left my last band. I co-founded it, did a lot of work, i.e. running around, booking all the gigs, doing a major amount in the songwriting/arranging, did everything but wipe their arses, keep them going in rehearsals, book and arrange recording sessions... it was mental. In the end, I realised that I wasn't the right bassist for them, they needed to do it for themselves and not because I was screaming at them to do it.

I left a few weeks ago, and last I heard they were still looking for a bassist, and the singer was having her "head done in" because of all the admin work. I've tried to leave it on good terms, but am still really angry about the reasons I left and their complete lack of doing anything. Sure, they're "commited", but you gotta do some work before the record deal comes. If it ever does.