critique my first lyrics!

[ManWithThePlan]

disclaimer: these are the first lyrics ive ever written, so they may suck, be warned :eek:

hardcore part:
this song is a cliche
a tribute to our hardcore ways
about pain and suffering and government
and humanity's sorry state
this song is a cliche
so smash the bottles and punch the face
and jump around and ride the crowd
and try hard to get hurt oi oi oi!

emo part:
this song is a cliche
an homage to our emo ways
'cause the glass is half empty
and tomorrow looks the same
and this song is a cliche
but they say that every wall's a door..
no fuck it, life's too bleak
it isnt worth it anyway

chorus:
and its tried and true
read, its coming back to you
every path just leads to another dead end of mistakes
you are so different, but still you're just the same
what you've done just never goes away
it only stays

ska part:
this song is a cliche
a reminder of our ska punk days
when unity was in, we didn't understand caution
and now this song is a cliche
why can't you just let me be
this room has no window but there is nothing i can see

hey goddamn, im out of luck
i just remembered, doesn't ska suck?
give it up give it up give it up give it up! [sung ska style]

chorus

bridge:
and how many times has it been done before?
take the path more traveled, avoid the exit door
the high road brings a chance that you just may lose the score
integrity integrity we have no integrity
cashing in and checking out get those feet on the floor

chorus

chorus


:confused:

[UnskinnyBop]

I like that. Its a nice idea, a tongue in cheek swipe at people who have to be in a genre.

In the first verse, maybe loose the leading "and" in the penultimate line, cos you're repeating that world a lot there, I think itd flow better.

I think the rhyme in verse two ("ways" and "same") works really well, in what it says aswell, not just ryme for rhyme's sake. Very clever and original, I like it!!

this song is a cliche
an homage to our emo ways
'cause the glass is half empty
and tomorrow looks the same


Possibly Id want to change the chorus slightly:


and its tried and true
read, its coming back to you
every path just leads to another dead end of mistakes
you are so different, but still you're just the same
what you've done just never goes away
it only stays


The long "every path" line is a bit awkward, maybe you can drop a few words out of that, and I think the last rhyme (away and stay) sounds a bit cliche...(wow, that rhymes too ;))

Maybe something like this might work better;

You think you're so different, but still you're the same
Hoping that with time you'll change
But your past will still remain
History wont ever go away

Having said that, IMO, this song would work really well with a simple chorus that everyone will just sing along to, it seems like a really fun crowd-involved thing.

Bear in mind, these are just my personal suggestions, and so you may well ignore them ;), but on the whole, I think the song is a great start, in a great style, so keep on writing

[ManWithThePlan]

Thanks Unskinny! I'll work on that.

[ManWithThePlan]

!pmuB

[Joonboy]

I liked it alot,

"a tongue in cheek swipe at people who have to be in a genre."

which is prety much what my school and the culture is like.


every path just leads to another dead end of mistakes

doesn't seem to flow

"this room has no window but there is nothing i can see"

:confused:

rest of great, i really liked the bridge to, make more! :D :D

[ManWithThePlan]

Originally posted by Joonboy

"this room has no window but there is nothing i can see"

:confused:

rest of great, i really liked the bridge to, make more! :D :D thats a reference to an operation ivy song:)

theres some rites of spring references in there too

heheh im so clever:o ;)

thanks!!

[poiXoN]

If these are really your first lyrics then you are in luck. You definitely have a good instinct for writing. I find your ideas to be clever and inventive. Isn't creativity great?
Keep writing.

[ManWithThePlan]

Thanks everybody!