Critique my Song!!

[sansunzeste]

i wrote this last night when i couldn't get myself to fall askeep. I lit some candles and insence to set the mood and just started writing. Tell me EXACTLY how much I SUCK. lol. There is no title. Yet. (I refuse High and Low)

there across the room
the blinking light begs my attention
a luscious fruit that, I forbid myself
hypnotic calling of
my reflection
I've been there before, I think
I'm gonna give in

chorus:
high and low
where to go? when no one follows
is there a point for me, when I'm all by myself
high and low
is where I go, when no one follows me
there're the eyes, calling me again

where in my life did I go wrong
losing my neighbors respect
it all went by like, nothing at all
it was just yesterday when
I was the one they'd reflect
once there before, I lost you
on my magic carpet ride

chorus

bridge:
take my time
could I ever change back and
take my time
if only I'd taken a little more
take my time
and jump from my ecstasy flight
you took my time
I'll never do it again

guitar solo/outro

note: I didn't mean, honestly, to put it into the standared pop format. It just happened to turn out that way. (Not saying its a bad thing just and interesting coincidence.)

Well, flame away...

[SomeGuyNamedRob]

Would be nice if this were set to music.

[sansunzeste]

oh yeah, I have the melody and chords. I can't really 'write' those here sorry... lol

It's in A minor with a key change at the bridge to Bb Major

I meant lyric wise...

[SomeGuyNamedRob]

Originally posted by sansunzeste
oh yeah, I have the melody and chords. I can't really 'write' those here sorry... lol

It's in A minor with a key change at the bridge to Bb Major

I meant lyric wise...

Well, lyrics without music is poetry, so it's pretty hard to judge. Can you record a quick version of it?

[sansunzeste]

nah... i don't have any equipment.

[SomeGuyNamedRob]

Originally posted by sansunzeste
nah... i don't have any equipment.

Not even a boom box?

It doesn't have to be pretty, I just want to hear how the changes go and the way the meter fits the music.

[sansunzeste]

I do have a boombox but how'd I get it to the computer??

[ageofzeppelin]

just plug the headphone out into the sound card. Quality will suck, but it'll work.

[sansunzeste]

I don't have the right kind of cable to do that. Oh well.

Ne ways how is it lyric wise. you know the WORDS. lol How's my Poem???

[Rejector11]

Originally posted by sansunzeste
i wrote this last night when i couldn't get myself to fall askeep. I lit some candles and insence to set the mood and just started writing. Tell me EXACTLY how much I SUCK. lol. There is no title. Yet. (I refuse High and Low)

there across the room
the blinking light begs my attention
a luscious fruit that, I forbid myself
hypnotic calling of
my reflection
I've been there before, I think
I'm gonna give in

chorus:
high and low
where to go? when no one follows
is there a point for me, when I'm all by myself
high and low
is where I go, when no one follows me
there're the eyes, calling me again

where in my life did I go wrong
losing my neighbors respect
it all went by like, nothing at all
it was just yesterday when
I was the one they'd reflect
once there before, I lost you
on my magic carpet ride

chorus

bridge:
take my time
could I ever change back and
take my time
if only I'd taken a little more
take my time
and jump from my ecstasy flight
you took my time
I'll never do it again

guitar solo/outro

note: I didn't mean, honestly, to put it into the standared pop format. It just happened to turn out that way. (Not saying its a bad thing just and interesting coincidence.)

Well, flame away...

I think it's quite good. It has a direction and a meaning that many song lyrics lack these days. I think you should call the song "Magic Carpet Ride" since you don't want to call it "High and Low." I think that title sums the song up pretty much, and it's part of the lyric as well in the second verse. Hope this helped...