Care to critique my lyrics?

[Barry Jive]

haha, or my spelling. I already know it's horrendous.

You watched the fight, I watched the night go by
no sparks were gonna fly
I was dissapointed by the pointedness of your lovliness
that was passing me by, it was passing me by.

Chorus:
Old love is for the young at heart
I fear that time has come and gone
I think you're finally scared now
that maybe you have maybe found the one

Angels weeps and god just shakes his head
as we each lie in our seperate beds
I think about the way you kiss, I think about the things I'd miss if you were gone

Chorus:

Bridge which doens't exist yet

chorus
end

Yeah, it's not done, but it has a certain vibe to it. I'm going to try to get some $$ to record it or borrow my friends 8 track.
It has kind of a Paul Simon James Taylor vibe to it, I'm diggin' it.

[Kingnome]

Capitalize God.

[SomeGuyNamedRob]

Also, it should be "Angels weep" not "weeps."

All in all, the lyrics leave me kind of non-plussed on their own. I guess I'd have to hear the music underneath them. Right now it kind of reads like a bad love poem.

[sansunzeste]

The verses seem short and without substance. It doesn't "paint me a picture." BE BEAUTIFUL MAN BE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!

[mcflytrap]

I thought it was good. The only line I had a problem with was "no sparks were gonna fly"...seems a bit generic and anti-poetic to me. I'd use something like a bit more strong than sparks. Sparks implies (to me) surface infatuation, lust, and heat...unless that's the message you were trying to convey.

Either way, your rhyming seemed to flow nicely. Be sure to post a link when you record it.

-mcfly-

[bigMIke]

I saw some good stuff here as well as some things that I would recommend changing.

I like the fact that it is telling a story with some nice imagery.

"You watched the fight, I watched the night go by
no sparks were gonna fly"
THis is good.


"I was dissapointed by the pointedness of your lovliness"
This feels clumsy to me. Plus, I am not at all sure what it means.

"that was passing me by, it was passing me by."
Repetition. Is it adding anything new to the song?

Chorus:
"Old love is for the young at heart
I fear that time has come and gone
I think you're finally scared now
that maybe you have maybe found the one"
THis is good, except for the repetition of 'maybe'


"Angels weeps and god just shakes his head"
Yes, it should be 'Angels weep'.

"as we each lie in our seperate beds
I think about the way you kiss, I think about the things I'd miss if you were gone"
Fine.

For the most part I like it. You could do a bit more with the language though. I look forward to hearing it. Please repost it when you have completed the lyrics.

[Sjonesmusic]

Originally posted by das Nichts

No.

It's apparent that in many of your posts, you think being an ass is acceptable...

Make a choice to be helpful in here, or leave...