"Stupid stories!" [Archive] - Harmony Central Musician Community Forums

MrKnobs

03-05-2002, 12:40 AM

Hey, I have to share one more story, a confession, really. Perhaps it will explain why my apprentice thought so badly of me in the last story.

Once upon a time, I owned the only studio in a mid-sized Texas college town. I also promoted the occasional concert from time to time. As it happened, my services were engaged to provide sound reinforcement for a famous Texas artist to play at a large fraternity / sorority party. I signed a contract for a substantial amount of money.

Now, more money is always better, so it occured to me that if I could get one of my label artists on the bill for this show (did I mention I had a small record label?) then I could move some product and make some serious cash, er, I mean help the young musicians. So I approached the sorority people and offered the band as an opener at no extra charge. The lady I talked to thought it a fine idea.

Until the next day, when I was informed that someone's boyfriend's band would be opening instead. I pointed out that I was under no obligation to provide sound for the additional act and they pointed out that they'd just tear up my contract and hire someone else if I didn't play ball.

Well, you know, sometimes negotiation is required and I can usually talk the shine off a shoe. So I met with the boyfriend's band and told them there were no hard feelings, but I needed a favor. I pointed out that I ran the only studio in town, was the only promoter, controlled most of the club entertainment, etc. etc. and that I would be VERY GRATEFUL to them if they'd just let my guys open for them, that is, 3 bands for the price of one. They said, and I quote, "Fuck you!"

Somehow they got the idea that I'd be vindictive. In fact, they suspected foul play so they asked to send someone to give me cues on their sound. I grumbled about someone inexperienced getting in the way, etc. etc. but eventually I said, what the hell, you win some, you lose some, sure, send a guy.

On gig day, I let the guy up on the sound platform. After a brief conversation, I determined he didn't know his ass from his elbow running sound. So I did the headliner's sound check myself, and then, as a goodwill gesture, magnanimously turned the sound over to him for his buddies show. I may have accidentally reduced the gain on the main EQ as I turned the console over to him. I say may have because I was paying attention to the light board, which had the unusual feature that day of controlling a harmonizer that was set to 1/4 step flat and inserted into the main vocal channel. Whenever their singer hit a really high note, I toggled a switch that somehow caused his high note to be really flat. Of course he was blissfully unaware of this because he was listening to my very nice monitor system on the stage which did not have the harmonizer in it.

He seemed quite confused by all the booing that ensued. :)

In no time at all, the crowd was chanting for the headliner to come up. The guest "soundguy" was really pissed about the weak sound and his singer's pitch problems, but clueless as to how I had caused it and in what to do about it. In fairness to him, he didn't have much time to figure it out before his band was booed off the stage and my goons escorted him down from the mix tower. As he left, I gave him a brief lecture on how this could all have been avoided if we'd all worked together to help each other out.

Later, I met his band backstage and they seemed upset. Being relatively peaceful college types, I guess it didn't occur to them to pound my sorry ass and instead one of them threw a coke at me. Strangely, one of my hired rent-a-cops saw the whole thing and did nothing. I chewed him out later.

Anyway, perhaps this was not the best approach. It sure as hell was fun. Almost made up for all those records I didn't sell.

I'm much nicer now, really I am. :)

Terry D.

$$$TD2$$$

Dan Licks

03-05-2002, 04:29 AM

[QUOTE]Originally posted by MrKnobs:
[B]Hey, I have to share one more story, a confession, really. Perhaps it will explain why my apprentice thought so badly of me in the last story.

:)

J the D

03-05-2002, 06:27 AM

And I suppose the moral of the story is you DO NOT piss off a Texan.

agedhorse

03-06-2002, 09:20 AM

Mr Knobs, was that a Behringer CX2300 crossover??? If so, I can get you off the hook for real... Karma and all!!!

agedhorse

03-06-2002, 09:30 AM

Mr Knobs,

Do not let guilt get the best of you... this little lesson has been taught before!

While providing sound for a large Northern California festival, a band who lead guitarist had always been rude to my monitor guy was scheduled to play. True to form, he was rude (really rude) again so we inserted an SPX-90 on his guitar channel in the monitor system only. Since the lead guitar was really hot in the side fills (did I mention he was really rude?) We decided to theach him the "don't get mad... get even" lesson, so during one of his "blistering" solos, punched in a half step down pitch shift into his channel for a couple of notes only. Being a guitar player, he assumed he missed so he corrected, but the correction just made matters worse. Now he was totally lost and the look of sheer panic ensued. He knew my monitor engineer did something but didn't know what. Now my monitor guy could get away with it because he is 6'-3" and 260 lbs... no problem. The guitarist was sure it was going to happen again so he played all his solos as rhythem parts!!! My monitor guy and I have been partners in the sound company for over 25 years.

MrKnobs

03-06-2002, 11:04 AM

Hey, I'm full of stupid stories, especially about pyro.

In the hair band days, I thought it might be a great idea to use some stage pyro to toss myself up in the air at the beginning of the show. I know, I know, sounds stupid already but I really just wanted a little boost off the drum riser on my way down to the stage.

I took two concussion mortars and put a 2x4 across them. Now I'm not entirely stupid, and I didn't want to break my ankles or anything else, so I rehearsed it over and over with increasing large charges. Of course the first little amounts didn't even budge me, but with patience I achieved a balance between pain and performance that ended up being a paltry 3-4 ft which would have been enough for the effect I wanted.

I say, would have been, because the first time I tried it at a live show, the igniter failed in one of the two mortars so only one went off. I've had it described many times to me over the years from people who saw it, but all I saw was the world suddenly spin around before I was slammed into the stage. My guitar fell on top of me and really rang my bell. I didn't know my name and couldn't count fingers correctly for a few minutes after that.

The crowd got a kick out of it, in a "Spinal Tap" sort of way, or so I'm told.

Terry D.

P. S. I know the topic specifies "sound equipment" but if you've ever heard a concussion mortar go off, you know it's the ultimate "sound equipment." ;)

$$$TD3$$$

agedhorse

03-06-2002, 11:16 AM

We've done shows with concussion morters and all I ask is that the sound company be given a heads up BEFORE they are fired, otherwise, please provide spare underwear!

bassknave

03-06-2002, 03:43 PM

ROTFLMMFAO--GWEM (gotta wipe my eyes, now)

Damn it Terry, you made me blow Pepsi out my nose, all over the keyboard.

Phil

Sonehenge--where the demons dwell, Stonehenge...

ezstep

03-06-2002, 09:01 PM

Didn't I see "The Pepsi Syndrome" on an old SNL show, Phil?

Sorry (or maybe not) that I don't have any great stories to add.

Mike

MrKnobs

03-07-2002, 12:30 AM

OK, one more. Then I'll stop, really. ;)

Before Peter Frampton ruined it for everyone, I used to use a talk box on some tunes. I had a little 30w TB that I made myself from a compression driver and a plastic tube. By pressing a foot switch, I could reroute my amp output from the normal speaker to the talk box. The tube snaked up my mike stand to end up taped to a Shure SM81 that I'd also sing through, either function being heard through a wedge in front of me.

One fine night, I commenced my talk box solo by stepping on the button and heard nothing. In my panic, I thought it was because the band was too loud so I quickly reached back and cranked up my 100w amp a bit more. I was wrong. I didn't hear anything because the damn switch on my mike was turned off. The 100w amp blew the 30 watt driver to smoke and foil, which shot right up the tube and into my mouth and lungs, producing quite a coughing fit with smoke blowing out my nose.

It was pretty impressive and the crowd cheered for more, but there was no more to give. The next day I bought a 200w 2" throat driver that was to eventually loosen my teeth and make me cough up blood after each gig, but the tone was bitchin' and I never blew that one out and still have it to this day.

Does this qualify as stupid? ;)

Terry D.

$$$TD4$$$

MrKnobs

03-07-2002, 12:41 AM

Oh wait, I lied.

I once worked FOH for Joe King Carrasco, a party rocker who liked to stage dive into the audience and put on a hell of a show. I asked him if there was any special effect he'd like from the sound or lights. He told me he liked to dump confetti into the audience at the end of his show.

Well, I'd never been asked for that before, and had no idea how to do it. A big net, like with balloons? A CO2 pipe? I didn't have any of that stuff, I had a bunch of concussion mortars. So I sent a roadie to buy some bags of confetti and I stuffed it all tightly into my mortars, mounted up on the light trusses aiming toward the crowd. At the agreed upon moment, the light guy fired the pyro.

I guess I forgot that confetti was flammable. Anyway, it made a gigantic noise that surprised and stopped the band dead in their tracks, and rained down flaming confetti onto a large section of the audience. I think everyone was pretty surprised, especially me. People were patting out flaming confetti on their hair and clothes, but no one was seriously injured, luckily for me.

It was quite pretty coming down, though. :)

Terry D.

$$$TD5$$$

bassknave

03-07-2002, 03:23 AM

Not nearly in the Terry class (and not about Pyro, either), but mildly amusing:

Had an excellent young GTR player in the early days of my current band. He used an Arion pedal tuner, which he had set up on his pedal board. He would typically use my (then) Sabine to do his initial tuning before we hit the stage, then hand it off to me.

We kicked off the night with "Life in the Fast Lane," and it was a total trainwreck. When he'd turned on my tuner, he'd also hit the "transpose" button and wound up tuning to something in the neighborhood of Eb, as had I. Other GTR and KB were in standard tuning.

Phil

Snuffy Smith

03-07-2002, 10:14 AM

Here's one on the tuning but it was done as a joke. Very popular country/gospel act from the 70's and 80's was at the time filling concerts halls acros the country. A good friend of mine played bass and trumpet for them. They were on the road 7 a week and playing the noraml road tricks on each other. My friend always seemed to keep the upper hand. They were doing Church Street Station one night for broadcast (you can still see this one from time to time on TV)

The band got together and tuned everything, including the piano up a 1/2 step, but tuned his bass down 1 full step. So they were 1 1/2 steps apart. Before tapping began he picked up the bass and did a quick check, obviously he knew it was out but not sure by how much. He spent the first set transposing everything on the fly but to a mystery key caue everyone else was already a half step high. On break he runs the bass back through the tuner and gets back to 440 thinking he has sloved the problem to find out he is still a 1/2 step out with the rest of the band. Ended up still doing a half step transpose all night. He never missed a note....kind of brought an end to the jokes too.

------------------
Snuffy Smith

stinkypete

03-08-2002, 05:16 AM

not sound related but still funny.

I used to play Guitar and vocal in a metal band and we were real serious.
we started getting gigs and most of the places were pretty small, one night on a cramped stage the bass player stood on the left of me starts doing this windmill thing with his hair, his heads all over the place and it looks great in the strobes his hair was down to his arse.
suddenly my guitar is ripped from my grasp and drags me toward the bass player, whilst spinning his hair hes managed to get it caught around the tuning pegs on my pointy headstock.
he was well and truelly stuck we had to stop the gig so that he could cut some of his hair from the pegs.
the crowd went wild
but for the wrong reasons
this was worthy of spinal tap. still cracks me up just thinkin about the drummers face when he realized what was happenin, not knowing to stop or carry on playing.!!!

------------------
it's not my fault...it was like that when i got here

rangerkarlos

03-09-2002, 10:17 AM

Not as big time as most, but it happened just last night:

How can so many things happen in such a short time?

Gig: Charity walk-a-thon fundraiser for Cancer at the new high school. Cool, right? A freeby, Karma,
PR all that good stuff. Set up by a friend (I'll call him Doug, since that is his name) who has sat in
with us for years and had an old-time Tin Pan Alley band on the side (he sings, plays trumpet &
harmonica). Plus a drummer, 2nd horn (some kinda sax/clarinet with testicles thing) and 2nd guitar.
We've all played together before for similar purposes.

The fun begins: We all meet at a local watering hole (it's Wisconsin- there's one on every corner) I
know we're scheduled for 9:00pm but I ask how long we play. 1 hour. Shoot, for this rag tag bunch it
takes that long just to get cookin good! I had asked ahead about sound. The new high school has all
the PA we need (Ithrew my PA gear in the van just in case).

Did I mention the freezing rain, lightning & thunder?

We get there and the lot is packed (grade school musical in the auditorium, we're in the gym). Load
in wet & cold. There is a barbershop chorus finishing up as we gather behind the stage. I eye up the
SR, 5 mics, monitors, FOH- looks OK. We start to throw our gear up on the porta-stage and I ask the
cowboy running sound (from behind the stage) where to plug in. Deer in headlights. They have one
power cord running to their PA rack. He sends cowboy #2 (they had the hats!) running for more
power cord. Meanwhile we place the mics, get set up, etc.

Now we're 15 minutes into our time with no power. I ask Doug if he has a set list- it's all Tin Pan
Alley from 1928 thru 1932! (Bye-Bye Blackbird, Ain't She Sweet etc.) My partner has played this
stuff, and I can muddle thru (it's harder now that he bought a fretless bass), but not an entire set!

"Doug- where's the R&B"?
"I didn't know you were coming".
"You asked me three weeks ago"!

Doug shrugs.

Power arrives, we plug in, my partners bass does not work. Amp OK- bass guitar is down. It's
showtime, so my partner starts singing the bass parts!

There is nothing coming out of the monitors. I go behind the stage and point this out to the sound
cowboys. They said they turned off the monitors during the barbershop chorus because they were
feeding back. I urged them to give it the old high school try. They got some sound to come out of the
monitors ( I had to relay this to them from the stage, as they had no clue as to what they were
doing).

We muddle through the first tune, the next is Ain't She Sweet in E-flat! I'm on the stage, thinking how
stupid I look and sound, so I wander behind the stage as though to check on something, and just sit
down in a chair until that tune is over.

I spy the Mom from our local Mom & Pop, and she offers to drive down to the store in the freezing
rain and grab a replacement bass. if there was one in the school, the cowboys did not know about it.

All the while there are people walking in circles on an upper level track, people in bleachers, kids
throwing frisbee and beachballs people camped in tents for the night....

Next tune is Bill Bailey in C. I can handle this. Now, I'm wireless (and trying to fill in the bass parts
as best I can) so I figger to spice things up a bit, I'll join the walkers on the mezzanine. Trouble was,
as I got further away from the group, i was hearing the music a half a beat off of the actual
performance, so I was playing to what I heard and throwing everyone off onstage.

I get back to the stage ASAP! Next tune is Kansas City (as a concession to me I guess) my partner
sings lead as I basically play the bass parts, except for my lead breaks, which sound thin without any
bass. We start another post-1932 song (Don't Think Twice in ablues ala Gatemouth Brown) when the
replacement bass arrives! Yay! Dave straps it on, gets one string close to pitch and finishes out the
last 45 seconds of the tune.

Then the organizer comes up and says that's it for our time. There is going to be some ceremony
and drawings and we're welcome to play some more in an hour.

As I'm packing I hear one cowboy ask the other "Which one of these is the monitors"?

I'm packed up in record time. I join my wife in the bleachers (she could feel my pain) and was
chatting with a friend about the nightmare I was having when lightning killed the power to the
building. Emergency lights came on and I tuned to my pal and said "Good thing we got our set in
before the power died"!

Loaded out in the freezing rain, thunder, lightning, picked up my daughter and her friends, played
Dad-taxi for an hour and went home.
I gat my regular gig tonight. I'm in charge of the sound, the set list, the power, everything...and my
partner knows he better have his equipment in working order and bring backup.

Karlos

mackoid

03-10-2002, 03:11 PM

Sounds like a fun night.

Norsegod

03-11-2002, 02:02 PM

MrKnobs, you must write a book!
I'll buy it, I'll make all my friends buy it, hell I'll go the road and promote it for you!(for a modest percentage, of course) ;)
Too funny!

MrKnobs

03-14-2002, 01:33 AM

I've written several books, thanks, though none about touring. It's way too much work for my lazy bones, though!

Time for another stupid story! :)

More stupid pyro tricks. Was playing in an 80's band with lots of pyro. In addition to the usual airburst explosives, flash pots, and concussion mortars, we used to end the set with some flame pods. These guys are essentially 3" dia pipe about 1 ft tall so that they can hold almost a pound of smokeless powder. Unlike black powder, smokeless doesn't burn as fast and needs to be confined to explode, so if you don't tamp it down and wad it you get an almost noiseless giant 10 ft flame. Think of a firecracker torn open and lighted. All flame and sparkle, no pop.

Anyway, at the end of the set the light guy (set up stage right) was supposed to trigger these two large flame pots on either end of the stage as the lights were suddeny cut. This was supposed to happen just as we ended an AC/DC tune. As the end drew near, I looked over and saw that the light guy wasn't paying attention at all, talking to some cute chick instead. So I yelled his name (Joe) as loud as I could over the din to get his attention.

Well, Joe heard his name, remembered what he was supposed to do, and panicked. He immediately slapped down on both triggers just as our dumb ass bassist was trying to look cool by singing into the lead singer's mike with him. Unfortunately, he was also straddling one of the flame pots while he was doing this! :eek:

If you can imagine a 10ft tall flame bifurcated by the bass player's crotch you're getting the picture! The flame lasted only a second, but the bassist's jeans were visibly blackened, and, to his credit he never missed a note on the bass or vocals as the light guy sprayed him with the fire extinguisher, all the while being cursed profusely by the bassist between vocal phrases.

Man, when I saw what had happened and that he wasn't seriously hurt, I just lost it. I hated that guy. I think to this day he believes I caused the error on purpose, but I'm just not that clever.

It must have been 400 degrees in his pants, just for a moment. :)

Terry D.

$$$TD6$$$

Martiko

03-14-2002, 05:19 AM

Mr Knobs,

You are soooo funny !!!
You should not only write a book, you should make a movie, really, and people (especially musicians I guess) would laugh 'till they dropped dead I think !

Dan Licks

03-14-2002, 08:34 AM

Boy, its cats like that that can really burn your ass!

(sorry...)

agedhorse

03-14-2002, 09:41 AM

Here's one that happend last week. Stupid and scarey at the same time.

Sometimes, I fill in as a venue production manager for a beautiful restored 1000+ seat theatre that does both live and film events. They are very busy year round, so there are a lot of details that must be paid attention to.

A national touring act came in, along with a 40' back truss provided by a locat rental company. Th act's LD was pretty cool, especially after having a really shitty past couple of nights. Being an engineer (and because of this, I am liable for anything that I should have known about as far as enginnering type things) I am very safety oriented and sometimes am perceived to take things beyond "reasonable" to the average person. Before the truss goes up, I perform a safety inspection, doesn't matter if they don't want it since it's "non-optional"! The lighting company is ragging on me and calling me a big "know-it-all" dick for doubting their ability. I really don't care, since I'm the responsible party in charge of the venue.

Well, I have a reason to really bust their asses this time. While they are bad-mouthing me, I stop load-in and demand the lighting techs front and center. I inform them that they should keep their fucking little rat ass mouths shut until they can perform their most basic job functions correctly. Of course, this has everybody's complete attention. I am also very pissed at this time. They have forgotten 1 bolt in a bottom center chord truss splice plate, as well as not tightening the remaining bolts in that position. Remember that this is a heavy 40 foot truss. Additionally, they had not safety'd the truss ends to the cross-yoke of the Supet Tower lifts, beaning that the truss could slip off the end under certain conditions. Both of which would cause a 750 lb truss to fall from a trim-height of about 28 feet. Never a happy ending when that happens!

Anyway, I kind of expected the act to be pissed that I held things up until this got resolved, but instead, they saw the seriousness of the situation (it really scared them a bit and shook them up) and jumped all over their asses too, giving back a dose of what I had endured earlier. Also, their LD was most impressed and thankful since they realized that their safety was really what it was all about anyway. I showed him all the safety points to check and he was really a serious learner. He said that after that experience, he would do exactly the same thing that I would.

In well over 4000 shows, our company has a safety record that includes a couple of bruses, scrapes and a minor cut, that's all. It's not by luck either. Any accident, even a dumb one can completely end your career and burden you with the moral guilt. It's really serious shit.

[This message has been edited by agedhorse (edited March 14, 2002).]

bassknave

03-14-2002, 09:45 AM

--Happened to my KB guy in his previous band. We call him "Munchkin," because he's short. Picture late '80s hair metal--bad perm, spandex and all. They're striking after a gig. Munch gets right up to the huge, homemade cabling case and drops a handful of mic cables in. The shock of the cables is enough to jar the lid of the case which swings shut and (remember he's wearing spandex) smashes down on the end of his johnson.

Would have paid serious $ to see that one.

Phil

MrKnobs

03-14-2002, 11:32 AM

OK, OK, you guys are twisting my shorts, here's another true story.

Used to lease a gi-normous metal building to throw live shows. Built a 75'x30' elevated stage and some bitchin' spotlight platforms plus a really nice mix tower in there. Had a slimy partner at the time, and one of the slimy things he did was purchase 1/4" paneling for the stage front instead of the 3/4" ply we sent him to buy, pocketing the difference. I wasn't at the site 24/7 so he took advantage of my absence to nail this flimsy crap up, turned around to hide the fake wood veneer (ever seen a really cheap trailer?). He then spray painted the wood side black hoping no one would notice.

Well, we wouldn't have except that during a punk rock concert there was trouble. (Is it redundant to say that?) Anyway, I had a rather large crew and everything was going well, so I was backstage hustling some pretty young thing (who I later ended up marrying, but that's a whole different story) when I got some frantic calls on my headset.

There was a bunch of stage diving and moshing going on, which is normal, but someone had punched his fist through the cheap laminate masquerading as plywood on front of the stage. The others, seeing this, started ripping it down and passing it over their heads. Much of our audio and lighting control cable was run in a bundle hanging just under the stage front, and they were beginning to paw at that as well.

Imagine what went though my mind as I arrived on the scene: a giant hole through what I thought was 3/4" ply, cable laying everywhere, and, standing in the hole with an insane look in his eyes, was my "enforcer" roadie, Doc, wielding a bloody 2x4 with nails in it, bashing anyone who attempted to approach! Several of the crowd standing nearby were visibly wounded! :eek:

I had to "talk Doc down," he was in an insane state. Doc, put the board down, stop hitting people... Doc, remember me? I'm your friend and boss, no need to hit me, OK? Yes, I know, the cables, it's OK, it's only Rock 'n Roll, buddy! Let them have the cables, we can make more. Yes, then the show will be over, but the show's already almost over, it's OK, put the board down....

Christ! I can't believe nobody sued us. True story.

Terry D.

$$$TD7$$$

agedhorse

03-14-2002, 01:05 PM

Yup, thank God, just a typo!

Skarekrough

03-14-2002, 02:57 PM

Is it time for "Gigging Horror Stories"?

Let's see....it was probably about 7 years or so ago. A good friend of mine named Phil (I've known him since grade school...we were about 22 when this all went down) was the drummer in a local band. He and I had been involved in musical projects for most of our careers but this was one that I wasn't playing in. Being the nice guy I was I agreed to run sound for them when they played out every few months.

So it came, a late August gig at a MIT fraternity in Boston was scored for a completely unreasonable amount of money. I mention this now because although it was exponentially more than a band would typically haul in at a bar gig it's really nowhere near what was worth all the aggravation we went through.

So come 4 o'clock my buddy Phil and I get off of work (we worked for the same place). Our boss was nice enough to loan us a 15 passenger van (to shuttle persons to and from the gig) and a UPS-sized truck with a hydraulic lift on the back. As I pulled into the parking lot to help with load out I thought to myself how nice it was to have the right vehicles for this job and how easy it would make things.

This is the last positive thought I had for the entire debacle.

So...we get loaded and set out into Boston to first pick up the lead singer and then make it to the gig. Traffic was horrendous and we realized that if were going to make the gig on time we'll need to have the lead-singer ready and waiting. He's notorious for being late and we hope that a cell phone call will at least remedy this a bit. No one picks up at his place. By the time we get there he's standing in front of the mirror in his shorts trying to figure out what to wear; he wasn't picking up the phone because a conversation would break his concentration for figuring out the perfect apparel for a frat gig.

The band leaves to go get a quick slice of pizza as an excuse for dinner while the lead singer preps and primps. We return a half hour later from getting food and he still isn't ready. After an hour of watching ESPN he emerges and states that he's ready to go.

At this point in time we're slated to start playing in 45 minutes and we haven't even arrived at the venue.

So we set out towards MIT. Since none of us are really completely aware of where exactly were playing we (the 15 passenger van and UPS-sized truck......this is important....keep it in mind) follow a female friend of ours in a Volvo. She’s a nice person, attractive, friendly, but occasionally dumber than a bag of hammers.

Were tearing down the streets that run parallel to the Charles River trying to make up all the time we can. The driver of the Volvo in the lead is aware of this and rather than stop at one of the lights she takes the underground detour.

For those that haven't spent time in Boston these detours go under the road for the flow of through traffic. They are well marked by large hanging signs that read "Cars Only".

I distinctly remember this sign being clipped and sliding off of the roof of the UPS-sized truck in front of me as it passed by..….uh…well....through it. Thankfully my worst fear; the top of the truck being ripped off completely, was spared. Unfortunately the truck grunted to a halt with little bits of the top of the bridge crumbling down.

It's 6 o'clock on one of the major throughways of Boston. In an attempt to get more space to achieve potential success the driver of the truck, Phil maneuvered the van to where there was the most clearance; between the two lanes. Thusly we've now effectively blocked 2 major lanes of traffic through Boston and are now routing traffic through Cambridge.

I realize what has happened and throw the hazards on in the van and pull in the middle to block both lanes of traffic. I run up to the cab of the truck (which is now showering down concrete with every tap of the gas pedal) and find Phil in "panic mode" and muttering 'it's done....were not going to make it....we'll never make it....".

I immediately pop into Damage Control mode and manage to snap him out of his panic. I get his brain back in gear and get him to pop it into reverse. He does and another shower of concrete comes raining down. The truck is stuck and Phil starts to panic and mutter defeat again. I get him back to reality and tell him to sit tight; I have an idea.

I run to the van and order all 6 passengers out of it. The guitarist gives me lip and I remember telling him to shut his hole and do what I say. This is a pretty big feat for me considering he's probably got 6 inches worth of height and 50 pounds on me. But needless to say when the adrenaline is pumping you can do amazing things.

Everyone clears out but the bass player. He's just kind of sitting there in a semi-conscious haze. It is now that I remember a conversation he and I had on the trip into the city. He mentioned something about taking pills for nerves and how he had procured them from his Sister or some friend that had a prescription. Since I was more pre-occupied with traffic I shut it out and didn't really think about what he had been saying; he had taken Valium and was now a lethargic chunk of flesh.

I managed to coerce him from the vehicle with a complex mixture of potential aggression and vulgar threats. I'll always remember his drugged stumble up to the trapped truck for as long as I live. I pulled the tailgate of the UPS-sized truck down and ordered everyone on it. Obediently they hopped on. I told the driver to put it in reverse and back it up. Another shower of concrete rained down on our heads. I told the tailgate passengers to start bouncing up and down slightly. I ran to the cab of the truck and told the driver to start backing out in spurts when the truck seemed to be at it's lowest point.

At first the concrete rained down on us. But after a few tries we managed to make headway. Half a minute later we were free of the bridge with nothing but shards of concrete on the ground and several small holes in the top of the truck to show for it.

I ordered everyone back into the van and approached the cab of the truck. Phil was in good shape and ready to go. I ran back to the van and backed out in an attempt to create a lane for the truck to use. We managed to do this effectively (I think eliminating a good chunk of the glut of traffic by opening 2 lanes helped). Just as I put the van in gear I saw the police lights coming up the road behind us. I pulled the van off to the side of the road expecting interrogation, detaining and possibly legal proceedings. Strangely enough this didn't quite happen.

The State Trooper pulled right up to the truck and ordered it to pull over. While I couldn't hear the conversation it was apparent that he was none too pleased that we'd managed to block a good percentage of Boston's outbound traffic during rush hour. In under a minute the Statie stepped away from the truck and left. I was expecting possible arrest, detaining...anything. But when the truck pulled out into traffic again I knew that we were free to go.

We managed to make it to the MIT fraternity. We were supposed to start playing an hour and a half ago and had just pulled up with the gear. The band went in to see what the situation was and I parked the van about a block or so up the street. When I came back they were still inside so I opened the back of the truck and started loading gear out to the tailgate so it could be loaded in. I remember thinking to myself 'this is going to be a great gig...with this much bad luck under our belts nothing more could possibly go wrong'. Boy...was I wrong.

A few moments later the band emerged with most of the fraternity behind them. The guitarist explained to me the situation; the good part is that we were playing on the roof...the bad news is that it was 8 floors up and there was no elevator. However the fraternity guys were going to help lug gear up the stairs.

I nodded in agreement and started scurrying to get gear to the tailgate so it could be brought up topside. The frat guys were grabbing stuff, band members were grabbing stuff and friends of the band including this one redhead named Traci and her dorm-mate Melissa was grabbing stuff. Melissa and Traci are important to the story in a bit.

Gear was going faster than I could bring it out. In no time everything was gone from the truck. And while I hadn't run any stairs I certainly felt I deserved this for orchestrating the resurrection of the truck from the bridge.

Several minutes later the guitar player for the band emerged from the house as I was sitting down on the tailgate and having a smoke. He had an odd expression on his face. Not knowing him terribly well I didn't immediately identify it for what it was; restraint. From behind clenched teeth he asked me for a cigarette. This was an odd request because I'd never seen him smoke before. He was visibly rattled about something. In haste I got a cigarette to him and he managed to get it lit. I waited until the third puff when he appeared to be settling down to ask him what was up.

"Traci.....dropped.....my....Mesa Boogie....head" was all he could get out. As he spoke his anger returned with every single word.

"How bad is it..." I asked.

"Smashed....everything's smashed..." he replied and took another haul off of the cigarette.

"I'm going to go for a walk now...I'll be back in a few minutes"

"You do that....we'll take care of things." I replied as he walked away.

Melissa came down and relayed the situation to me. Someone was carrying the Mesa Boogie head by the handle and Traci motioned for them to hand it to her. At first they said they were fine and had it but she insisted that she take it for whatever reason. What the person that was handing it off to her didn't realize was that Traci had it by the power cord....ya know...the standard type thing that pops out of most high-end electronic gear with little to no effort. The head dropped 5 feel to a concrete set of stairs. The only noise heard after impact was the sound of tubes smashing and parts crunching.

I was stunned. I sat on the tailgate thinking about how we could get a new amp pronto. It was 8 o'clock on a Friday night in Boston. After the bridge incident there was no way I was going to let this evening become a wash.

The lead singer, an almost completely worthless human being, emerged from the frat house. My mind immediately kicked into gear. I remembered that he worked at the local Guitar Center. I grabbed him and explained the situation to him. He was stunned and, in fine clueless fashion, had no idea what to do to potentially rectify the situation.

I explained to him calmly and clearly that I was going to arrange a ride for him to his place of work and he would procure a guitar amp head for the evening. He protested. I used the same complex mixture of potential aggression and vulgar threats which worked on the bass player. This worked like a charm and in short notice he was in one of the frat guys cars and on his way to Guitar Center.

I locked the truck up and headed up to the roof to help set up. By the time we had everything together and set up the lead singer returned with a Marshall JCM900 head. Five minutes later the band launched into it's first song of the evening......3 and a half hours late.

The rest of the night went smoothly all in all. I think the bass player (who was actually a guitar player recruited for the gig.....and who summarily played like a guitar player recruited for a single gig as a bass player) started goofing around with running his bass through a guitar distortion pedal and directly into the PA (he had the money to afford a top of the line Ibanez, but not enough for even a practice amp....go figure) between sets. I immediately remedied this by commandeering his pedal and making him slightly louder than a tit mouse's fart in the mix for the rest of the night.

The party was a recruiting party for new pledges. Additionally it was held the first week that incoming freshmen would be there. This translates into there being maybe a dozen people there and not a drop of booze to drink. We'd busted our tails for a pretty dismal party. I remember hitting on what few women were there with the line of "So...what do you think of that Windows 95?". The OS had just been released that week and we figured it was geeky enough to either work or get a laugh. Suffice to say it really didn't do either.

Load out went smoothly....although there was only a fraction of the number of frat guys helping us load out then load in. Funny how that is. The frat also seemed to be pretty deserted when we left. According to one of the higher-ups in the organization the party sucked so bad that even most of them left to find fun elsewhere.

We packed up the van and made sure everything was secure. The lead singer emerged from the house and had somehow managed to wrangle every cent of what we were promised as payment despite the lack of time the band played. I got issued a shiny $20 bill for my troubles that evening.

Everyone was ready to head out as the lead singer started asking if we wanted to head across town to an after hours party. Respectfully we all declined.

I got home at about 3 AM and crashed well into the afternoon. When I woke up I felt like I had aged 5 years overnight. While sipping coffee I managed to relay the evenings events to my older brother; a gigging veteran of more years than myself. He was amazed that we'd managed to hold it together and was shocked that I actually was considering doing another gig with this band ever again.

The band continued on for awhile. A short time later they kicked out the guitarist/bassist and had me take up the 4 string. I played with them for about 9 months before I was accepted back into college about an hour away from where I lived. The band decided to break up after hearing this news; they'd been at it for 4 years before I started playing and I think they kind of thought it just wasn't going to happen for them.

We did decide to go into the studio before all was said and done. In fine tradition things went awry and the mixing board toasted after we finished. Upon it's repair and return it proceeded to mangle and erase tracks of ours on a whim. The tapes never saw the light of day. I'm hoping someday they'll either be completed or they'll be destroyed in a fire.

I started seeing Melissa, the dorm-mate of the amp-dropper before I went back to school. I completed my degree about two years ago and we moved in together. We got married this past October and spent our Honeymoon in New Orleans.

The guitar-player moved to Florida and I haven't heard from him since. I've been told that he's in contact now and again with the drummer.

The lead-singer is still in the Boston area. He's in touch with the drummer now and again and is always trying to set up another line-up like the one we'd had. Appropriately none of us really want anything to do with it.

Phil, the drummer, went to L.A. and got married. He came back 3 years or so ago and joined another band. This past November I was ejected from a project I was working on and Phil asked me to audition for his band. I did and six months ago we finished up work on a 10 track release.

So that's my "Gig From Hell" story. It really disproves the "getting there is half the fun" notion some folks seem to have. I always think of that gig whenever I play out. I'm kind of thankful for it in a way. Short of death and dismemberment I'm pretty sure no gig will ever be as bad as that one.

tarantinos

03-14-2002, 03:04 PM

Some of my friends are in a 10 piece skaband (two guitars, 1 bass, 1 drummer, 1 singer, three sax, 1 trumpet and 1 organplayer). Well the guys playing the organ is playing on a very old, very beat up Farfissa organ, which he had when he joined the band. Unfortunetly the organ was tuned one half note down, and the knob to alter the tuning of the organ was broken, so everybody in the band had to tune a half step down, which isn´t very good, especially for the horns since the sound quality of the horns decreases when they are not 440.
So after about a year of downtuning one of the saxplayers just get very pissed by the awfull found of her sax, and says to the organplayer: "can´t you do something about it? Try pushing the knob and then turning it"... Now the band no longer has to tune one half step down. He was NOT very popular after that.

Oh yeah - My first show and we are nervous as hell (we´re talking eight grade here), we are stadning in front of 250 people and there is not one single sound from the guitar! Panick erupts and we turn every button and check every cable for about five minutes before I notice that the cables in the distortion pedal are plugged in wrong. Kinda embarrasing.

------------------
It don´t mean a thing, if it ain´t got that swing.

MDLMUSIC

03-14-2002, 04:49 PM

A few years back I was playing in an oldies band that got hired to do an outdoor event at a combination Chili Cook-off and Car Show. We got to the gig at this big parking lot next to a football stadium and started setting our gear up on the stage (Middle of the summer, San Bernardino, CA, no shade, on blacktop). We checked around for power and finally found a guy who said we'd have power soon, they were going to draw it from the stadium, which was about 75 yards away. We all expected some monstrous breakout box affair, but then we see these guys plugging one extension cord after another together. They ran about 10 cords from the various outlets they could find in the stadium and just kept plugging together regular house-style (not industrial type) extension cords and running them over the blacktop to the back of the stage. We started playing at 11:00 AM and the air temperature was at least 100 degrees, so that blacktop must have been about 150. Needless to say the cords started to melt right on the ground and our sound was terrible. The guy in charge kept telling us we weren't loud enough and everything sounded distorted. He couldn't understand why if we had power run to us we couldn't sound good. After about an hour and a half we just packed it in and went home.

ashivraj

03-15-2002, 08:50 AM

not quite in the league of MrKnobs, but what else can one expect in this country?

school sound... we do lots of small shows, a few songs here and there... no major stuff, but hell, chicks still go wild. our resident "sound engineer" is an illiterate electrician (Robin), ably assisted by another illiterate not-electrician (Afzal). now robin is short, afzal is tall. robin is dark, afzal isnt so dark. us dudes call them tom and jerry.

anyway, robin is normally at the mixer and afzal stands around to fix up mic stands should they fall in the middle of the principal's speeches.

teachers' day, one set of about 10 songs. we stay late the previous evening, balancing sound and levelling mics, etc. robin has to hang around, coz that's school policy. nigel (lead GTR)'s father came in, he's a pro sound dude. we left it to him to explain the workings of Lexicon effects to tom and jerry. me being bassist cum band sound, i hung around with nigel's dad at the mixer.

so here we have him saying "lexicon effects - used - for - echo" to put it in terms normally understood by a retarded 3 year old. to which robin scratches his head and replies, "ummm... volume up?" and goes on. end of evening, all sound's balanced, EQed, levelled. we turn around to call the guys, and robin hits the mixer, turning all knobs to zero/extreme counter clockwise. so another half hour goes in relevelling, and this time we tell him, DO NOT TOUCH MIXER. in english, then i repeat in hindi, tamil, malayalam, effectively covering everything they speak.

next morning - half hour to show time, we're back, and mixer is back to robin's favorite settings, zero. after a long blast in as many languages, i re-eq'ed (pronounced as ree-kyood) the guys, and we're finally up on stage. im slightly stage right, and mixer is about halfway stage left, on the floor right up front. nothing like placing sound behind the speakers so anyone could hear the FOH.

being on stage, we are left at the mercy of tom and jerry to give us juice in the mics. they're all done and we finally launch into opening track (let me entertain you, robbie williams, our standard opening). songs going well until one song when lead singer wants a little more gain on the mic. so he steps over during instrumental solo and says, "increase gain". our man robin pushes up the fader for my mic instead, true robin style. lead singer says, no no no, so robin pushes up some more. my mic starts to feed back. from where i'm standing (and remember, there's lights in my face and its difficult to see much), i can see the clip light on my mic. but our man robin (and here's why he's also known as "rake robin") stretches out 10 fingers, like a rake, and drags 10 channels worth of sound down to zero. effectively, we have the left channel of the stereo keyboard playing the MIDI, and our KB farting around doing his part.

robin then proceeds to turn up each fader, one by one, and since there's nothing coming thru the mics, he presumes they're not in use and cuts them all to zero. so now its instruments only, and the solo's long since ended. lead singer (he's HUGE) jumps off stage (big bang) with wired mic, knocks tom and jerry over from the mixer (and i mean their chairs are knocked down, with them sitting in them), and pushes all our mics back up. show goes on. chicks still screaming.

another time, robin blows the tweeters by turning up the gain instead of the high treble. my bass is low on tonal clarity, and my preamp sits at the mixer, so i ask robin for some treble, bending over (and nearly falling off) to touch the treble knob. he pats my shoulder, smiles, and increases the gain of the lead guitar. middle of nigel's solo (and luckily we're at rehearsal only), tweeters blow with sparks and some smoke for good effect. robin smiling away happily.

our school needs a lot of stuff. from the music department point of view... a whole new PA, monitors, amps, mics, keyboards, drums, guitars, the works. we're expected to do shows with our own equipment, and the PA we're to use is 20 channels, and two small speakers. fuck crossovers, these dont even need amps. powered output from mixer. beat that.

MrKnobs... cheer me up, im all depressed now. im going back to do Saturday Night Fever and rehearsals are gonna make use of that sound with rake robin and quite possibly tom (of tom and jerry fame) as well.

save me.

AS

MrKnobs

03-15-2002, 08:04 PM

OK, OK, time for another stupid story.

So I was actually PLAYING a large indoor show for once. Of course my sound and light crew was working it and they were eager to impress me (and mess with me a bit) since I was on stage and helplessly under THEIR control for a change.

Intentionally or not (the story varies) they assigned a FNG (ng means new guy, you can guess the rest)to our fog machine that had never operated it before. Now this wasn't one of those little smokers they use these days, it was a 50 gallon drum filled with near boiling water, with 100 pounds of dry ice suspended above the water level. On cue, the guy was to turn on the fan, and drop the ice cage into the boiling water (don't worry, it's sealed, can't splash hot water).

Right on cue, the FNG hits the fan switch and drops the CO2. Trouble is, nobody tightened the ring that seals the barrel after the ice was added and the FNG didn't know to check it.

I'm on stage doin' the 80's rock star thing, and I notice only a feeble amount of fog coming out of the drum riser. I figure the FNG didn't turn on the fan so I take a peek behind the stage and I don't see him. In fact, I don't see ANYBODY because there's about 2,000 cubic feet of the densest fog I've ever seen in my life up to stage level which was 6 ft. All I can hear is people coughing and hollering because they can't breathe and can't see to get clear.

Now, CO2 isn't poisonous but in sufficient concentration it makes you breathe faster (not to mention the terror) and could eventually asphyxiate someone if they can't get out of the soup. So I did the decent thing and carefully set my guitar down in the middle of a tune (hey, I wouldn't DROP a '73 goldtop if it was ME that was dying) and jumped down to help. My crew saw me jump off the stage, saw what they thought was smoke over the top of the stage and came running with fire extinguishers. One of them actually hosed me with one before he clued in to what was going on!

Anyway, no one was hurt but the FNG decided the job was too dangerous and quit. My crew never stopped teasing me about jumping from the stage for the rest of the time we were together. :o

So, Ash, are ya cheered up a little? ;)

Terry D.

$$$TD8$$$

ashivraj

03-15-2002, 09:02 PM

thanks, D... im getting better. however, i wouldn't mind more of your stuff.

out of sheer curiosity, D... exactly how many years have you been in the business?

AS

MrKnobs

03-15-2002, 10:04 PM

Originally posted by ashivraj:
out of sheer curiosity, D... exactly how many years have you been in the business?AS

Assuming you're asking me, I played my first paying gig as a musician in 1968; I was 16. I've never stopped.

This is actually a pretty stupid story as well, come to think of it.

So I'm 16 and in a dorky band with some of my HS friends. I'm a pretty good bassist for 16, I'd like to think. (Remember that bass styles were pretty simple then).

Anyway, we put an ad in the paper looking for a lead guitarist. An older guy shows up and jams with us, but he's way out of our league. He thinks it's pretty cute that a little 16-yr-old dork can hang with him playing bass on Cream, Allman Bros., etc. So he tells me he has another audition and would I like to come with him. I say what the hell and go.

The audition is in a (closed) bar for the house band. 9-10 piece band, horns, keys, the works. They pass on him but take me, I guess because they think it would be funny to have a kid bassist. They offer me $75/wk for three nights which, in 1968 was about a million bucks to me.

Wait, it gets better.

I show up to play my first gig. It's a strip club!!! :eek: The girls are totally nude!!! I'm getting paid to play with musicians that are like 10 times better than me. The guys are encouraging me to smoke these funny looking cigs without filters, and the girls are buying me drinks and messing with me.

Are you following me? In the SAME WEEK, at 16 years old, I see my first naked woman, get drunk for the first time, smoke pot for the first time and get paid to play music for the first time. I'm in heaven!! This is the life for me!!!

Then I meet the police and get arrested for the first time. Turns out they don't approve of girls without g-strings and pasties, and they retaliate by arresting the manager, girls, and band every Wednesday regular as clockwork. :mad:

The police want to know how old I am. I'm smart enough to tell them I don't have a drivers' license. Amazingly, they just detain us until after closing hours and then let us go. We have to walk back to the club because the buses didn't run that late. :mad:

I managed to keep that up for almost a year without my parents figuring it out. Eventually, the club decided it was cheaper to have canned music and that was it for my strip club career. :(

Does that answer your question?

Terry D.

$$$TD9$$$

agedhorse

03-16-2002, 01:15 AM

Ok, we just found this out tonight, but has been going on for over a year. Now, our company has been providing sound for this decent university performing arts series for almost 20 years. Lots of international music acts, very large artist fees, complicated shows with long hours (load-in day can exceed 12 hours by itself) and generally picky acts.

The university changed hotels last year to one that solicited their business more aggressively, and was more convenient for busses and trucks. What was odd, is that there were no complaints about the hotel ever... so we figurethat the hotel is really trying very hard to make a good client that books several hundred room-nights a year happy.

Well, we now know why there have been no complaints... they offer a free happy hour from 5-7pm every night, free drinks (any kind) and all you can drink, along with typical snacks. Yours truely had to mix foh on east african music for which I hadn't seen the show, couldn't understand a word that was being spoken with instrumentation (and especially arrangements) that was foreign even with my international background. Seems as though happy hour didn't fall on ban/crew deaf ears. 35 partying east africans and free booze and snacks... guess what that means? PARTY till you puke!

I suspect that hotel policy will change somewhat, amybe drink tickets or something, but they were a very happy act, probably would have been happy with no PA!

Dan Licks

03-16-2002, 04:07 AM

Originally posted by agedhorse:
guess what that means? PARTY till you puke!

I suspect that hotel policy will change somewhat, amybe drink tickets or something, but they were a very happy act, probably would have been happy with no PA![/B]

Shit! I would rather sell insurance than have to put up with that crap!

Elroi

03-16-2002, 06:55 AM

The first show we used our newly built XLR splitter I was mixing the monitor mix from the stage. It was heaven on stage -- anytime anybody needed to hear something better, I just reached over to adjust. Anyway, our new sound guy is sitting at the big mixer in the back of the hall (he's just a kid -- can't even drive yet, but works for free and has a pretty musical ear -- well, most of the time...). After about a half hour of us just playing on stage working out the monitor mixes I look out to him and say, "Are you ready to check us?" and he says, "No, you guys sound great out here." REally? Wow, he must be better than we thought...heh.
So I go out to hear us (got the wireless just for these moments. I get back to the board and we start up and I'm thinking that the sound isn't bad but there isn't volume we need. I push up the main faders. Hmmm, no increase in volume. A litte more. Nothing. He's right though, it sounds pretty good out here, but...oh, man. I looked at the main outs on the board. We had NO signal going to the mains (nothing plugged into them). His "killer mix" was our monitor mix...almost as bad as the time we mis-used a compressor on our mix and as the crowd got louder, we got quieter until we disappeared altogether (what are all those knobs on the compressor for, anyway?)...
Bill

bassknave

03-16-2002, 07:15 AM

Bill:

Dang it, More Pepsi out the nose!!

Phil

Roy Boy

03-16-2002, 01:43 PM

You guys are killing me!!Funniest stuff I've seen on here (I'm usually on the bass forum).Makes me wonder tho-do I really want to even think about gigging??Jimmy

------------------
Elvis is dead,and I don't feel so good myself.....

agedhorse

03-16-2002, 05:53 PM

Fortunately, they were happy drunks... it turned out to be a great show!

kaishaku

03-16-2002, 10:58 PM

Originally posted by tarantinos:
Unfortunetly the organ was tuned one half note down, and the knob to alter the tuning of the organ was broken, so everybody in the band had to tune a half step down[..]

Band's mistakes are:

1) They kept the organist
2) They made nine people tune down instead of just making one person play half a step higher

~Kai.

Six String Stuntman Steve

03-17-2002, 04:12 AM

Originally posted by ashivraj:
being on stage, we are left at the mercy of tom and jerry

our school needs a lot of stuff. from the music department point of view... a whole new PA, monitors, amps, mics, keyboards, drums, guitars, the works. we're expected to do shows with our own equipment, and the PA we're to use is 20 channels, and two small speakers. fuck crossovers, these dont even need amps. powered output from mixer. beat that.

AS

Hey all, I'm Nigel from AS's infamous show from hell. He didn't mention the crap i went through because of this damn show.

So yes our EQ is bull, and we've gotta start playing in front of a massive audience in a few minutes and i'm panicking. NOw, we don't have a drummer and we were using a MIDI for our drums. For our opener, we had planned this medley of Let Me Entertain You, Smooth (Santana), and a clip of Lady (Modjo).

Now when you have an audience that doesn't have a very good sense of time, you have a problem. Let me a explain a bit here. As is mentioned, our school PA is a load of crap and there are no stage monitors. We have to hear the MIDI drums so we had a bit of an idea. Our hall has two speakers for the front and 2 more in the middle facing the back. Now we figuered we could move the front speakers behind us and use them as monitors. We more or less set our vocal mics not to feedback. The thing is, tom and jerry daisy chained the damn speakers so that if we turned up the volume, instant feedback.

The music isn't loud enough and the audience starts clapping "to the beat" wild as hell and we're wondering what the hell to do about this. So Let Me Entertain You is pretty messed up (refer to abhi's post) and Smooth automatically kicks in. Now any idiot can tell you that Smooth is ONE BIG guitar solo. Not Robin. Still suffering from the "rake" of "rake robin", my guitar is close to off. Now I got from guitar to Digitech RP2000 to PA. Simple, and there's no amp unless I tail my amp along. But this time I didn't as it was busted. So you can picture, I've got NO WAY of increasing my volume or getting my amp to give me SOME volume, and we played the whole of Smooth with the guitar off. And I'm screaming "ABHISHEK (Bassist)!!! DO SOMETHING!!" but he can't because he's pretty dumbstruck by all the chicks cheering him on. Hours of planning taps, screams, hammers, elbow on the whammy, everything in my smooth solo....gone to waste. So picture this, there's a guy going absolutely CRAZY in his position (i'm not one to move around too much) but there's no sound. I looked like an idiot who thinks he's too big for his boots.

We got through the first medley nightmare and the singer jumped offstage again and got the volume back up. now hte problem with tom and jerry is that they don't know about sound, they're electrcians, there's a difference. They just go on figiting with the damn thing to impress our principal who's sitting in the first row.

The next couple of songs went off alright. I wasn't really paying attention by now as I was absolutely sick of it. We finally reached Kiss From a Rose by Seal for which I'd sat and trained myself and 3 of the guys to sing out some awesome four piece harmonies. The song was ok, except that my B or G string broke in the middle, I can't remember which one. Thank God it was during that particular song which only calls for simple chord work. But for the better part of the song i had this damn string dangling away. The vocals made up for it though.

I got offstage immediately and told the guys to play another song without me, but they chose to do some wierd karaoke stuff with members off the audience to CDs. I was so damn nervous and broken that I couldn't get the new string through the bridge...sitting, struggling, finally one of the teachers got it through and left the rest of the stringing to me.

I went up and we hit Kryptonite (3 Doors Down) and I had somehow worked Battery (Metallica) into the solo section. I thought it sounded pretty damn impressive and a bit of shredding kept me happy through all the pop music (if ya know what i'm sayin').

Then "I'll be there for you" by the Rembrants. It's Abhi's personal fav since it gets the chicks up and at him. Once again the tempo problem, and my well planned (5-finger tapping) solo section got screwed up again thanks to rake robin.

The best part is, later on we found out that in shifting the front speakers to monitor position, tom and jerry had forgotten to plug in the back speakers. As Abhi mention, the monitors had blown the previous night and there was an aweful tweetter blow. So all the audience was hearing was our monitors, which mind you were low to prevent feedback.

I hung up my guitar permanently after that show. Well, for a month atleast.

We've since put tom and jerry in their place and Abhi and I have taken the sound back into our own hands. Our main problem now is the dumbass music teacher who comes and turns pre-balanced stuff down while we're playin. But he's another Godforsaken story.

I'm just 16, all this has pretty much shattered my confidence at live shows. To the point where they've become some form of phobia.

-Nigel

MrKnobs

03-17-2002, 09:04 PM

Nigel -

Don't sweat it man, tomorrow's another day! :)

A long time ago, I was playing a free show at a large university campus with a new bass player about your age. Not only was he a good bassist, he played the meanest "Whammer Jammer" (J. Geils) on the blues harp you've ever heard in your life.

About 15 minutes before the show, Joe was back in the makeshift dressing room and he was shaking. In fact, he had just puked. I thought he was sick, but he'd just sneaked a peek out front and there were about 10,000 people out there since it was a free show in the center of campus on a school day. He was petrified at the sight of all those people. I couldn't help but tease him a bit.

I was just quietly tuning my guitar, already a jaded old musician in my 20s. He asked me how I could be so calm, was I so sure I wouldn't f-up in front of the crowd? I told him no, it wasn't that, it's just that I knew that whatever happened, good or bad, the sun would still come up the next day and pretty much everyone would have forgotten about the concert in a few days.

He went out there and totally kicked ass in one of the most amazing displays of virtuosity I have seen to this day. "Whammer Jammer" totally kicked ass, with him playing harp and our keyboardist doing a great job of filling in on bass while Joe blew the harp. It was amazing!

So I'm just passing on to you that things like this happen, and you will have many more great and not-so-great days ahead in your musical career. Just hang in there and know that playing will enrich your life like no other job. :)

Terry D.

$$$TDA$$$

agedhorse

03-17-2002, 10:20 PM

Yes Terry, the sun will rise tomorrow... to allow another opportunity to screw up!

Six String Stuntman Steve

03-18-2002, 01:09 AM

Originally posted by MrKnobs:
Nigel -

Don't sweat it man, tomorrow's another day! :)

I've developed this aweful problem since that day....finger freezing. Every show since then, my fingers freeze on the first song (by freeze i mean literally go cold) and I can't move them easily enough...especially at windy outdoor shows. The result is that I end up quite sloppy. Abhi has the same problem with his finger picking hand on the bass...but he pulls his pick out and he's ok.

I usually go for a piddle before a gig and I hafta wash my hands (naturally), the water is usually cold and my hands get extra cold even after drying them. I figured this is the problem...but my last show was outdoors on a windy evening (still on school ground, different guy doing sound though) and I hadn't been to the boy's room but still had this problem....my fingers just froze and I could go for speed at all!

How do I get passed this? Any techniques to literally warm me up?

-Nigel

[This message has been edited by Six String Stuntman Steve (edited March 18, 2002).]

Dan Licks

03-18-2002, 01:17 AM

I am reminded of Franco Corelli, one of the greatest tenors in the history of opera. Throughout his entire career he would barf his guts up before going on stage, he was so nervous. As soon as he set foot on stage he would kick some pretty serious ass. Inbelievable. Never got over it.

Paool

03-18-2002, 07:40 AM

Originally posted by MrKnobs:
About 15 minutes before the show, Joe was back in the makeshift dressing room and he was shaking. In fact, he had just puked....

...He went out there and totally kicked ass in one of the most amazing displays of virtuosity I have seen to this day. "Whammer Jammer" totally kicked ass, with him playing harp...

I don't think I would ever want to borrow that harp after that show, if you know what I mean.

Audioeast

03-18-2002, 07:54 AM

OK last friday i look at my schedule and see I got 2 systems to load in by 6pm and the venues are 50 miles apart! no biggie, i've got just enough time so i head out, on my way i hear somthing banging around the front end (truck) so i pull over, i look under the truck and find nothing so i go to get up and don't clear the back of the box (on my box truck) hitting my head on the corner. I get up and i'm like wow that hurts! so i go look under my truck from the front and then i fell down ( passed out ) but got right back up and noticed "man my fuckin head hurts and my neck feels warm? so i touch the top of my head to find a boatload of blood drippin down, and i'm thinkin "fuck" i got 2 shows to load, and i can't even walk!
so i drove my truck to a relatives around the corner and passed out on her kitchen floor in my puddle of blood! 2 hours later (after gettin stiched and medicated at the ER) i'm back out loadind the system with a half shaved head, All i could think was "if i was at a "day job" i would have taken 2 weeks off, but workin for yourself..... man - no rest for the wicked!!!

------------------
Dan
dann@audioeast.com
www.audioeast.com

rangerkarlos

03-18-2002, 08:44 AM

Originally posted by Audioeast:
OK last friday i look at my schedule and see I got 2 systems to load in by 6pm and the venues are 50 miles apart! no biggie, i've got just enough time so i head out, on my way i hear somthing banging around the front end (truck) so i pull over, i look under the truck and find nothing so i go to get up and don't clear the back of the box (on my box truck) hitting my head on the corner. I get up and i'm like wow that hurts! so i go look under my truck from the front and then i fell down ( passed out ) but got right back up and noticed "man my fuckin head hurts and my neck feels warm? so i touch the top of my head to find a boatload of blood drippin down, and i'm thinkin "fuck" i got 2 shows to load, and i can't even walk!
so i drove my truck to a relatives around the corner and passed out on her kitchen floor in my puddle of blood! 2 hours later (after gettin stiched and medicated at the ER) i'm back out loadind the system with a half shaved head, All i could think was "if i was at a "day job" i would have taken 2 weeks off, but workin for yourself..... man - no rest for the wicked!!!

God! Ah, the glamourous world of show business.

Take care.

Karlos

The Evil Dr Wingnut

03-18-2002, 12:42 PM

Originally posted by agedhorse:
While providing sound for a large Northern California festival, a band who lead guitarist had always been rude to my monitor guy was scheduled to play. True to form, he was rude (really rude) again so we inserted an SPX-90 on his guitar channel in the monitor system only.

I had an engineer do this to me once, but to a lesser extent. It was a guy who I had worked for through several summers running sound at county fairs and festivals. I had landed a gig playing for a band that was booked solid and was popular locally, there was just no way I was going back to seasonal sound work and giving up steady work playing.

This is a guy that has been in the business for 30+ years and he is convincing. Much like Mr Knobs comes across, this guy will sell you a set of brass balls to fit an iron monkey and convince you that you are a shrewd consumer. He decided to chap my ass by manipulating my playing and dumping it to tape. The FOH mix didn't actually sound like that, but man that tape sure sounded like there was a bumbling idiot strangling a guitar. It was so realistic too... I actually felt embarassed and considered quitting!

agedhorse

03-18-2002, 04:46 PM

Re the use of drugs and alcohol... there is a big difference between use and abuse and the line is a moving target depending on which side you are on.

I have lost several friends to both, and just recently one of them ran his car off the road into the oncoming lane and killed himself and two other people in another car. It's not just you out there.

Our company has a policy of no drugs or alcohol, due to our liability and insurance issues. It's just simpler this way, but abstinance is not the only way, moderation is possible and could be helpful in some cases.

Six String Stuntman Steve

03-19-2002, 12:32 AM

Terry,

Tahnx so much for your help. I've pretty much gotten over that show (or so I think) and I actually think my fingers freezing is a little mix of nervousness and actual cold.

The thing about alcohol is that I would seriously prefer to avoid it (especially on school grounds) so what about tea or coffee?? You know, they're warm, I can curl my fingers around the cup or something and they're slightly caffeineted (spelling??) so maybe that'll help...i'll have to try it before my next show.

Terry, thanks for all the help, experience and support you share with us younguns...I really appreciate guys like you.

-Nigel

Taylorman

03-19-2002, 01:50 AM

I'm in the same school band that ashivraj and six string steve are in, as the keyboardist. The things tom and jerry, the infamous school half ass electricians/sound engineers/absolute jackasses can do during live performances would be hell funny to any person with a certain sense of music and sound. However, when youre the musicians and youve got dumasses changing your preset volumes every three seconds in the middle of a song AND your plugged into your school PA system which is a load of shit, you dont laugh much. I remember we were doing Smooth and I was playing on my keys along with the MIDI drums(no, i wasnt miming my keyboard bits). Since our school is a dump without monitors, I couldnt hear myself and neither could anyone else. I made a gesture to abhishek(bassist, ashivraj) and asked him if he could hear me. He told me I was a little too loud. I report this to good old tom and jerry and they somehow manage to turn my volume up and literally turn the guitar volume to zero. This on a Santana track, you understand. So now youve got a horrible tone on the bass, a guitar that you cant hear and, since they somehow turned down the mic volumes too, a singer you cant hear either. So the end product is a Smooth rendition that sounds like something Alicia Keys would come up with in a burst of inspiration. As abhishek mentioned earlier, all our levels had actually been set and marked on the mixer by the lead guitarists dad, whos been in the business for 3 decades and should know a bit about this. Our court jesters proceeded to change all levels. You tell them to turn up the aux volume, and they give you a sweet knowing smile and turn off the gain. Add to that the fact that our Principal is an incompetent cockhead who thinks Robin and Afzal(tom and jerry) are the ultimate in modern sound technology. They add to his confidence by fucking up all the settings every time they see him. And we have an asshole music teacher who thinks hes gods gift to musicians. He thinks Fender makes great keyboards and to turn keyboard volumes up or down, you use the transpose button. Now you see the problems we have to face every time we have to put up a show for this hellhole of a school. The day Robin and Afzal die in a car crash, I will run around New York in nothing but what God gave me. At least we'll be able to hear ourselves if we ever do a show again.

------------------
"Stop depression of my own,
Walk the only road I know,
If I am only dreaming,
Then I am not that far from it..."
- Brian Desveaux

rangerkarlos

03-19-2002, 07:42 AM

Originally posted by Six String Stuntman Steve:
Terry,

Tahnx so much for your help. I've pretty much gotten over that show (or so I think) and I actually think my fingers freezing is a little mix of nervousness and actual cold.

The thing about alcohol is that I would seriously prefer to avoid it (especially on school grounds) so what about tea or coffee?? You know, they're warm, I can curl my fingers around the cup or something and they're slightly caffeineted (spelling??) so maybe that'll help...i'll have to try it before my next show.

Terry, thanks for all the help, experience and support you share with us younguns...I really appreciate guys like you.

-Nigel

Water is our friend. I

LOVE coffee, but avoid it before a show cuz it dehydrates and makes me uptight (read- play too fast, say stupid things- well maybe that's just me).

Drink water, Lots of it. Good for vocals, muscles, and brain.

Try to relax for a bit prior to show time. Talk with friends, do nothing, study the set list. 10 minutes to settle.

K

Six String Stuntman Steve

03-19-2002, 08:08 AM

Hehehe, you guys are really something, you know that? I love this forum. You guys are the most helpful. Next show I'm gonna try warm water. Only thing is, I'll hafta go to the boys room and we have the "cold water on the hands syndrome". Oh well, I'll find something.

-Nigel

J the D

03-19-2002, 08:50 AM

Originally posted by rangerkarlos:
Water is our friend. I

LOVE coffee, but avoid it before a show cuz it dehydrates and makes me uptight (read- play too fast, say stupid things- well maybe that's just me).

Drink water, Lots of it. Good for vocals, muscles, and brain.

Try to relax for a bit prior to show time. Talk with friends, do nothing, study the set list. 10 minutes to settle.

K

I generally carry a small cooler with bottled water and maybe some soda or Nestea or some fruit jiuce. But lots of water.

ashivraj

03-19-2002, 12:16 PM

wait... not THIS robin and afzal.. tom and jerry...
they're at least 30-odd and are gonna be employed by school for at least another 20 years, if the school stands that long... these guys have no future. (neither, for that matter, does anyone employed by the school - bus drivers, conductors, teachers even)

they have no careers, so to speak of, only jobs. and they started out idiots, and will remain idiots. its a pity i have to leave, and nigel and keyboard dude SherinianGonnabe have to face them another year, and then leave too. i cant bear to think of the state our sound and music department are gonna be in.

im gonna cry now.

AS

Six String Stuntman Steve

03-19-2002, 01:36 PM

Originally posted by ashivraj:
im gonna cry now.

OH not that "sympathize with me" bull again. You see guys, he's tried it with every girl in school so far (including mine)....tsk tsk...and now he tries it with people in different countries.

MrKnobs, I'm a Catholic too, but have you given up your belief completely or do you just follow the meditation teachigns of Buddhism?

About tom and jerry, well, what abhi meant to say (albeit in a much nicer way) is that in this country, you are an expatriate hired to work on a company's visa. So basically, these dudes have nothing at all to do with sound, they're just normal electricians....like soldering your cable or your microwave or something. They just happen to be in charge of "sound" because, alas, speakers are connected with electric looking cables.

"Sound" isn't really such a big deal in school. You just need mics for the speeches and whatever...then the song for morning assembly. So you see, we aren't in much of a professional sound setup.

Oh and our principal is a no talent jackass who's under the impression that he could make RUSH kiss his ass with his C F G chord changes....now there's a sad story. I'm sure Sherinian (Shadab) can fill you in in a much more animated way....hehehe, you're gonna be rollin on the floor readin this. Wait till you hear about the music competition.

-Nigel

MrKnobs

03-19-2002, 04:11 PM

OK, we're losing the thread. Time for another stupid story:

This one happened just last week. I was playing a little club gig with my new partner and soon to be superstar Julie. Things were going well and we really had the crowd. Just a couple more songs and we'd be done.

Time to uncork the good stuff. I picked up my acoustic guitar (Ovation) and started into the intro of our best tune. At the beginning, it's just the two of us, me playing acoustic and Julie singing. She took her guitar off and stepped up to the mike.

We got about 30 seconds into the tune and suddenly the body strap peg popped right out of my Ovation, leaving me holding the guitar by the neck with my left hand with my right hand stupidly dangling in the air along with the last note Julie sang. For a millisecond I couldn't even figure out what happened.

I braced the guitar up as best I could (Ovations have a round back, y'know) and continued. Julie tried bravely to rally support by snatching the mike from the stand so she could put some enthusiasm into it. Unfortunately, the club's veteran mike cable was apparently only functioning at that particular angle in the stand, and it went dead immediately, leaving me on my own to finish out a clumsy end to the tune bent over my hobbled acoustic.

The crowd completely turned on us. From enthusiastic support just before our debacle, to stony silence after we finished our set. Not one pair of hands clapping. The horror! :o

Terry D.

$$$TDB$$$

rangerkarlos

03-19-2002, 05:19 PM

Not a mishap tale, but weirdness:

Early in our incarnation, about 8 or 9 years ago. We're slowly getting some gigs. Now, my partner (bass, vocals) is also an accomplished artist, and hangs with the art "community" ,actors, writers, artists, musicians, ...you know. Being open minded types, we're asked to play a lesbian wedding reception. Ceremony on a boat, reception at a bar called "Scabs" in a little rivertown that Bassknave is all too familiar with.

We arrive. I walk in. There's a sign that sez "Thanks For Picking Scabs". Every goober at the bar has a Chevy/Mopar/Ford/John Deere T-shirt on. The juke box plays nothing but Skynyrd & Bob Seeger.

I ask the owner where we're to set up. Back room, move the pool table. "AND I DON'T WANT NO FUNNY STUFF GOIN' ON BACK THERE"!

We set up. Wedding party arrives. Gays, lesbians, straights, the whole rainbow. We're playing, everyone is dancing- you've not seen dancing 'til you've seen champagne-fueled lebian dancing. :D Good times are being had by all, except the goobers.

After an hour or so, the jukebox comes on. We ask the owner to kill it. Nope, the goobers want their Skynyrd. So we angle the old Wurlitzer toward the front of the bar and carry on as best we can.

Now the atmosphere is getting a bit charged, and the party decides to head back to the boat, or somewhere- anywhere. We packed up, got paid and called it good to go. Met some of the party behind the bar for a little after gig festivities :D and went home, chalking it up as "paying your dues".

Someone gave us some nice snapshots of ourselves (calm down, now!) from that gig that we used on our posters for several years, til we started to look a lot different.

I use this story whenever I'm asked about weird things at gigs.

The Lesbian Wedding at Scabs.

Karlos

------------------
Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can
now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.

The Danger Rangers (http://www.thedangerrangers.com)

Blastem

03-19-2002, 06:33 PM

Here is good one!!! This happened about two years ago.

I get a call on Sat. afternoon from a friend I used to own a sound company with. He says he was in a real pinch he had double booked himself that nite and had to do both shows. So no problem I agree and he went to the venue which I have done 100 times to set up the gear. When I arrive all the gear is up and running. His light tech was there waitng on me and informs me there is an opening act and the drummers are not sharing a kit. No problem just a little switching around no problem. Well with this taking place and having to sound check two bands I had no time to overlook anything except the power tap and the visual things that come natural. Three songs into the opening act everything sounds great the room is 3/4 full and the bottoms were pumping and the mids and top on stage left fall over into the stage!! Well the mids and tops were Clair and they were 1" baltic birch cabs around 300 lbs. No one got hurt execpt a vintage strat and an old fender amp that could not be replaced. The guitar player took it alot better than I did. Goes to show if someone sets it up for ya double check the work!!!!!!!!!

Blastem

felixq78

03-19-2002, 07:33 PM

Originally posted by Audioeast:
OK last friday i look at my schedule and see I got 2 systems to load in by 6pm and the venues are 50 miles apart! no biggie, i've got just enough time so i head out, on my way i hear somthing banging around the front end (truck) so i pull over, i look under the truck and find nothing so i go to get up and don't clear the back of the box (on my box truck) hitting my head on the corner. I get up and i'm like wow that hurts! so i go look under my truck from the front and then i fell down ( passed out ) but got right back up and noticed "man my fuckin head hurts and my neck feels warm? so i touch the top of my head to find a boatload of blood drippin down, and i'm thinkin "fuck" i got 2 shows to load, and i can't even walk!
so i drove my truck to a relatives around the corner and passed out on her kitchen floor in my puddle of blood! 2 hours later (after gettin stiched and medicated at the ER) i'm back out loadind the system with a half shaved head, All i could think was "if i was at a "day job" i would have taken 2 weeks off, but workin for yourself..... man - no rest for the wicked!!!

You don't get that degree of devotion to duty from a nine to fiver do you?
I guess being a musician having that passion for our art and knowing what's at stake if we don't turn up with the "Sound" gear helps as well.
Well done!!!!!!!!!!!!

MrKnobs

03-19-2002, 11:15 PM

Yeah, the lesbian circuit is a trip, been doin' that for quite a while.

What scares me the most is their outdoor stuff in the woods, way out in the boonies. Gigs where there's about 300 lesbians to maybe 4 guys total, most of them in your band.

They always build a huge fire, with their chainsaws and gasoline. Some of them are usually dressed up like Xena, complete with real swords and axes. Then they start drinkin' heavily. Pretty soon (so I imagine) they start thinkin' about male sacrifice. :eek:

Now, of course you wouldn't be attending a scary ceremony like this if there wasn't at least one dyke in your band, so maybe I'm still here because the band guys are off limits for sacrifice, at least until they're done playing.

Still, as many of these as I've played, maybe I'm pushin' my luck. Fixin' to do some more this summer. I dunno.

Anybody know what I'm talkin' about? Anybody lose a guy or two from their band doing one of these things? Geez...

Terry D.

$$$TDC$$$

Six String Stuntman Steve

03-20-2002, 12:24 AM

Originally posted by MrKnobs:

So you are in India? I have lots of Indian students.

Naah, we're expats living in the United Arab Emirates. What do you teach? Guitar?

About the lesbian ceremonies out in the woods, well ummm if they're umm "willing", I figure some of those parties would be kinda "interesting" :D

We don't have much of that stuff out here. But the way you describe the ceremonies....hmmm....I think I'm kinda glad.

-Nigel

Six String Stuntman Steve

03-20-2002, 12:27 AM

Originally posted by MrKnobs:
Anybody know what I'm talkin' about? Anybody lose a guy or two from their band doing one of these things? Geez...

:eek: You're not serious, are you???....are you? :s :eek:

-Nigel

MrKnobs

03-20-2002, 12:44 AM

Originally posted by Six String Stuntman Steve:
:eek: You're not serious, are you???....are you? :s :eek:

It does get pretty scary. Haven't been killed yet, obviously. All you gotta do is outrun one guy in the band. ;)

Terry D.

------------------
Attitude... is audible.

Taylorman

03-20-2002, 05:16 AM

Our annual 'Music Fest' was, to put it mildly, a load of cock too. Our famous music teacher, you know,the one who thinks that Marshall's best product is their picks, and that you can adjust mike delay so that you can hear yourself a second before you actually sing. A musical genius, he thinks he is. Anyway, this particular halfass was in charge of the music competition for the year. This, of course means that me, nigel and ashivraj(refer to earlier posts), possibly the only musicians in this school, have to somehow organise this school-wide contest in a week, while he occasionally fires us for not doing OUR jobs. The balls on him. Anyway, this fellow is a lazy bastard also, so to top it all off, he says hes too busy organising, so he cant accompany the vocalists on their tracks(which are primarily C F G pieces). So us sorry schmucks also have to dig up MIDIs for the event. Then he has the immortal rind to ask me, no force me, to bring my keyboard in(Yamaha PSR-540). I refuse quite flatly, of course. He's not my pop and it is my friggin keyboard. Anyways, we gather up all the MIDIs and the day of the show comes. In our school, students our divide into 'Houses' so this was a House championship. Tommy(butthead music teacher)decides that he will do us the honour of 'initiating' the MIDIs for the contestants. This complex process basically consists of pressing the Load or Start button to start and the Stop button to stop it. Of course, hero that Tommy is, he managed to screw even this up. How, you ask? Well, first off, to add a bit of flavour to the show, he'd occasionally start the wrong MIDI for some singers. Secondly, anyone who knows anything about MIDIs would know that most of them come with a trumpet/piano/tuba sound for the vocals over the music. We'd told Tommy prior to this show that we hadnt edited the MIDIs, for which he lambasted us, though he didnt really know what MIDI editing was. So everytime a singer came up, hed start the MIDI late, and then inevitably the poor singer would have to bear with the loud-ass trumpet or whatever doubling up on her voice. The moment Tommy heard this sound, he's turn to the three of us and give us a look that said, "How did YOU manage to screw up again?"
Following which one of us would embarass his underwear off him by stopping the din and pressing the magic MUTE button for that particular track. Then he'd say something like, "Oh..On my good old Fender keyboard back home the mute button is used for changing the song's key...You should have told me that this keyboard was so old-fashioned and stupid!" This 'stupid' keyboard happened to be a Korg workstation. The only other keyboard he's ever used is a Yamaha PSR-240. Shows the depth of the chaps musical knowledge.

Our, 'specially invited judges' for the evening's competition were observing this from the front row. Incidentally, these esteemed judges just happened to be our Principal(earlier referred to by me as 'incompetent cockhead'), our Assitant Principal(another cockhead) and the Head of our English section. Specially flown in for the function, you understand. Also, all three of them are old farts who think the Backstreet Boys are the ultimate in musicianship. Our Principal's idea of a complex chord progression is G D C. A lot tougher to compose than a standard C G F, he once told us. Assistant Headmaster and English teacher as bad if not worse.

The have about 60 years of musical experience between them, our comperes tell us. Of course. They all think Fur Elise is great metal. Group song rolls around. I have trained my house to sing complicated three part harmony and finally have it sounding good I think. We pull it off well I think. Next up, Nigel's house does Mrs. Robinson by S&G, also trained by Nigel to sing three part harmonies. Third, abhisheks house with You're The Inspiration by Chicago, also complex harmonies. Last and least, fourth house sing the highly complex(NOT)'A Different Beat' by world acclaimed musicians Boyzone. The Principal, incidentally, hates myself and nigel from the bottom of his impotent balls because he cant face the fact that we know a lot more than him about music(And believe me im not being pompous). The moment my and nigel's house comes on stage he throws us dirty looks. You could literally see him crossing us off the list. Abhisheks house are quite good. Last house is pitiful. They have three people chanting "EE AAY OOHH" dispiritedly, another three singing "Tooooooo a different beat" out of scale and another three miming out of time. They, of course, win the competition because this is our experienced Pricipal's idea of three piece harmony.The other judges are cocksuckers who'd go along with anthing our Principal does. Believe me im not bitching cause im a sore loser. You had to see it to believe it. Senior solo. One fellow stops in the middle of his song to cough into the mike. He wins. Junior solo. One girl's voice cracks in 16 different places. She wins. Now you see the shithole that my school is. The year nigel and i leave will be one of utter musical incompetence because the music section will then be completely run by the great moron Tommy, who will be overruled from time to time by the even greater moron of a Principal. Lord preserve us.

------------------
"Stop depression of my own,
Walk the only road I know,
If I am only dreaming,
Then I am not that far from it..."
- Brian Desveaux

Six String Stuntman Steve

03-20-2002, 05:35 AM

HEHEHEHEHE!!!

Well, as much as you may think this is exaggerated...it isn't!!! That's the funniest part!!! Geeez, you guys outta see our school hero's.

-Nigel

agedhorse

03-20-2002, 11:40 AM

I made a lot of money on the Lesbian circuit (sound for one-offs and regional tours) in the 80's and early 90's. We handled every one of the top "woman's music" acts in the country. Still work with them at an occasional date when they are in town. For the most part, they are no different than any othe acts we do... with one exception. About 17 years ago, my wife to be at the time was helping me on a smaller gig, and at intermission, she got hit on about a dozen times. Seems that a fresh face was very welcome to the audience. Since I worked with that artist so many times in the past, AND the audience recognized me as being "friendly territory", the artist asked (very nicely I might add) that my wife to be was already spoken for and to welcome her as such!!! I received more congratulations that night and then a couple of comments like "one less for them", and to her, "if he ever disappoints you, you know where you will be appreciated! Wife wouldn't go to one of my gigs for years after that... still a bit jumpy.

It's a great circuit if you can deal with the politics... and the dark house groping. I had the best seat in the house to view that action... 6 feet off the main floor at the back.

MrKnobs

03-22-2002, 06:17 PM

OK, time for yet another "stupid story." This one is inspired by recent postings on another thread, and deals with the age old theme of the one guy in the band who does all the work, fronts all the money, always takes one for the team, and therefore is thoroughly despised and taken advantage of by the his bandmates. I'm sure you know the story even before I begin.

So it's a few years ago, a scorching Texas summer, and me 'n the boys are headed for the little Texas town of Nacogdoches (never mind how to pronounce it) to play a Saturday afternoon show. I have to tell you at 3 o'clock in the summer it's still pretty damn hot in Texas.

Turns out the A/C is burned out at the big dance hall, and the repairman can't make it until Monday. No A/C means no people. No people means no gig, and we've just driven 300+ miles to get there.

Club manager wants to cancel us. We understand, and ask for the 50% cancellation fee in our contract (didn't give 24 hrs notice) so we can be on our way. An argument ensues, the manager doesn't think we should get anything if we don't actually play. By some bizarre logic, the resolution is that we will get the entire amount, if we play the entire gig. So we unpack the truck and set up.

Now, it's about 110 degrees in this big tin barn, and we're all sweating like pigs after unloading the truck. There are absolutely no paying customers there, only 8-9 wait staff and bartenders, who for some reason are not dismissed. Maybe they wanted half pay to go home, like we did, I dunno. No one is happy.

We have 100 lbs of dry ice for the fog machine. No point in making fog for nobody, so we pack it into the amp rack to try and keep things cool. We play the "show," opening with the Cheap Trick number, "Hello Roxy employees, didya come for the show? Are ya ready to go...."

For some reason, our completely brain-dead soundman decides an empty 110 degree club is a good opportunity to see exactly how loud our PA can get. Maybe he inhaled too much of the dry ice. He blows two of our sub speakers in his experiment.

Or, I should say, MY sub speakers since I'm the PA owner. I'm pretty upset with him, but much more upset when not one of my bandmates will agree to help pay for the reconing. They think the soundman should pay, and he has no money. Therefore I get to pay. The way it works out, after this decently paying gig, is that everyone makes money except me.

I see red! :mad:

It's not like me, but I started picking up tables and chairs and smashing them to flinders left and right. Two beefy bouncers who are kicking back chatting with the waitresses run up and snatch me up off my feet like I weigh nothing. They're not really mad, just amused. They tell me to cut it out because it's too hot for them to be pounding anybody's ass into the dirt today. I see my life flash before me and calm down.

Now the manager is here. He's not amused! He wants to know who's going to pay for the destruction. I tell him take it out of our pay, which satisfies him. Oddly enough, it exactly equals our entire pay, by some strange coincidence. I had no idea a few shitty bar chairs would come to $600. :confused: :D

My band members can hardly believe what has happened. They've never seen me act like this before (although they will again) and want to know what I could have been thinking to blow all that money. I tell them I just didn't want to be the only guy in the band who lost money on the trip.

That taught them (and me) a lesson. For a while.

Terry D.

$$$TDD$$$

Six String Stuntman Steve

03-23-2002, 07:16 AM

Originally posted by MrKnobs:
That taught them (and me) a lesson. For a while.

Attitude is attitude....amen.

-Nigel

Six String Stuntman Steve

03-24-2002, 12:30 PM

Here's another one for you from 3 years ago when I was in grade 8.

Every year, we have an event called the "Dubai Tennis Open". This is a lot of fun for the kids because they have the tennis open day and other exciting competitions. One such competition is the Interschool theme song.

This was the second year running for this competition and our school had won. It was pretty exciting for me. A group of about 15 of us had come in on a weekend and recorded a scratch demo with only a piano and sent it in.

Later, they promised airplay of the song on the radio so we got to go into a studio and record the song. Again, being my first time, I was pretty much blown away.

Now the day came, and we were supposed to go ONTO the court in between a set and sing our song on television! Now, it had already been planned by our music teacher (who I've alluded to in an earlier post) that we were to MIME to the "CD Single".

Abhishek and I along with 3 others were old enough to comprehend this. But Tommy (the music teacher) had to somehow explain this to the little kids. Our team had about 10 girls between the ages of 9 and 12. So he gathered all of us and said "Remember how you were practicing in school and you would hear an echo that threw you off beat? Well, thank goodness that due to a technical default with the arena sound system, you will be able to hear yourself one second BEFORE you actually sing."

Abhi and i started to crack up but the kids actually bought it!

Now here's something interesting. First of all, we went on, and the arena sound technicians started to place our mic stands. Cables from the mics went down the court and STOPPED abruptly right in the middle. They were dummy mics!

Another point, one of the lines went "Wave your hands, keep your eyes on the ball (x3)". While doing this, it was decided at the last minute that we should wave our right arms in the air and turn to the left with every four counts, so that we make a 360 degree turn at the end of the phrase. And so we did, with our mics on mic stands, NOT FACING OUR MOUTHS WHEN WE TURNED!!! And our voices came out perfectly, you wonder how!!

And all this on television!!!!!! I even had my folx record it! It was quite ridiculous.

We never won that competition again.

-Nigel

kaishaku

03-24-2002, 02:53 PM

Originally posted by Six String Stuntman Steve:
"Remember how you were practicing in school and you would hear an echo that threw you off beat? Well, thank goodness that due to a technical default with the arena sound system, you will be able to hear yourself one second BEFORE you actually sing."

Abhi and i started to crack up but the kids actually bought it!

This is brilliant. A pure Spinal Tap moment.

~Kai.

Six String Stuntman Steve

03-24-2002, 09:35 PM

Originally posted by kaishaku:
This is brilliant. A pure Spinal Tap moment.

HO HO HO!! You have NO idea how whack this tommy is! LOL!

I'll share a few more stories a bit later.

-Nigel

Lonz Live

03-27-2002, 08:03 PM

Starting out my band usually rented a small system with a powered mixer for our small club/party gigs. Well, we met a sound guy with a pretty sophisticated system who ran our sound locally a couple of times. He liked us and was a big help. We asked him to travel 2.5 hours away for a gig, but it was a little too much for him. He offered to lend us his system. We knew nothing about seperate two way systems with cross-overs etc, so me and the bassist go to sound guy's house before the gig and he went over everything we needed to know. We thought we took good notes.

On gig day we take four cars to sound guy's house and load up these ridiculously large bass bins and all the other stuff into four separate cars and drive from NH to RI. We get there and unload all this stuff and after two hours of messing around we couldn'tget a sound out of the system. We called sound guy but he wasn't around. We were screwed!

Thank god the drummer who thought ahead brought this POS Peavey guitar amp he was going to use as a monitor. We took that and plugged in my mic and the lead singer's mic into the guitar amp for FOH vocals and played our instruments loud through our amps. We kept the PA speakers in place.

The gig actually went off OK. My girlfriend was in the crowd and she was dying laughing when she said a couple was trying to
converse in front of the the silenced-by-stupity PA speakers and one said "I can't hear you these speakers are right in my ears".

Other than the band, no one else apparently knew that our impressive FOH system was only for show.

Six String Stuntman Steve

03-28-2002, 05:08 AM

Ever heard of an "Unplugged" concert? Let me tell you a story.

Our rhythm guitar player in school (Andrew) only joined our school music group last year. Abhishek and I have been in for about 4 years now. One of Andrew's unfortunate (mis)conceptions in life is that he's a pro...and that he doesn't need to practice in advance, let alone hear a song, before a band practice session. Very often this gets me, and the other band members, pretty pissed off. Unfortunately, we're the only musicians in school, so we don't have much of a choice...we have to keep him. And in any case, no one has the heart to tell him.

In due time we learnt the technique of balancing Andrew in the mix perfectly. He plugs his guitar into his Crate amp and takes a line out to the mixer (something he didn't know he could do until I showed him what the line out was for). I plug my guitar into my Digitech RP2000 guitar processor and plug that into the mixer. What most of you outta know about cheap amps is that line out distortions suck and sound awfully tinny. Abhi and I thought of something simple yet effective, turn his mixer channel gain off. Works everytime.

So this one practice session the day before our disasterous Teacher's Day show (reffered to in an earlier post), we were allowed to use the auditorium mixer. So we "adjusted" our sound levels, Abhi and I usually do all the balancing. We went through a good practice session and everything was alright. My dad was supposed to come in a sometime later and fix our sound.

For one of our songs, I used a patch that simulated a Mesa Boogie Mark IIc with a phase effect in the solo. So there I was playing the solo (incidently which contains notes higher up on the fretboard) and Andrew was bashing out some chords (incidently lower on the fretboard) that sound like a dual rectifier imposter that's been flooded with orange juice. I was concentrating real hard on this solo and glanced over at him. He was completely oblivious to the fact that his volume was OFF and he had a huge grin on his face, violently bashing out an F minor from what I could see. The song was in B minor.

At the end of it, he put down his guitar and stared at his amp. I started thinking "oh crap, he's figured out that we turned him off". Just then he turned around to me and said "Whoa dude, I've never got a cooler sound out of my amp before".

I shook my head. "That's nice Andrew", I told him.

We "accidently" forget to plug his line out into the mixer for the actual show the next day. He could hear himself through his guitar amp and was happy. Unplugged concert.

-Nigel

[This message has been edited by Six String Stuntman Steve (edited March 28, 2002).]

rangerkarlos

04-01-2002, 02:27 PM

Must..not..let..thread..die...!

Bump-a-roni

K

bassknave

04-01-2002, 04:05 PM

Damn, Karl, you're almost as sick as Ogg!

Phil

MrKnobs

04-01-2002, 04:18 PM

Oh, all right.

As you guys know, I ran sound for a lot of country stars but country music is not my first choice. So imagine my excitement when I got to run sound for Badfinger one night in my own home town. :D

I'd have done it for free. ;)

Now, this was long after their glory days filling huge coliseums, where I'd last seen them when I was an impressionable kid. Their guitarist / songwriter had committed suicide, it had been a long way down to the night at the little club where I got to run sound for them. Still, what a thrill to work for my boyhood heroes!

The gig itself went off without a hitch. Club was laid out in a U shape, which was kind of bad because it was packed and the band could obviously only be in one of the two rooms, not both. So I had to run a time corrected satellite system into the second room so that those folks could hear time aligned (no echo) sound while they watched on the big screen TV.

After the show something happened I'll never forget. There was a girl that appeared to be with the band, and she was hot with a capital "h." My girlfriend was with me, so I had to be content with the occasional glance. I went back into the dressing room to tell the band how great they were (like some stupid fan, that's how impressed I was) and my girlfriend came with me. The band guys listened to what I had to say, and then thanked me profusely for the sound as they'd been having to take whatever the venue provided lately. They started looking around for something to sign and give me.

My girlfriend decided she wanted a Badfinger T shirt, and they tossed her one. She embarassed me by saying she didn't want a red one, she wanted a purple one like the groupie chick was wearing. The band apologized and said they were all out of purple ones. The groupie chick said, "No problem" and gave my girlfriend the shirt right off her bare back. Yes that's right, less than a foot away from her 38 triple Ds in all their glory. Yow!!! That image is still burned in my brain.

A little later I got to chat with the band guys a bit and they told me that they couldn't afford to carry a bunch of ladies with them so they were sharing the lovely young lady I met! I'll never forget what their singer told me, in his thick British accent. "Better to share one good one than carry a lot 'o skanky ones."

That's good advice for sound gear, as well. ;)

Terry

$$$TDE$$$

street survivor

04-01-2002, 04:50 PM

MRKNOBS: thanx, i've been waiting on for that story, i am a huge badfinger fan. how cool getting to do that gig! there guitar player AND bass player both are dead now from suicide after being robbed blind by there so called management.

if anyone wants a real listening experience, go get badfinger's STRAIGHT UP cd. one of the mosy underrated and greatest albums ever. lot o' hits, great songwriting and plenty of vintage guitar tones all the way through! recorded real well for it's day also.

knobs story reminded me of something dumb i did a year or so back.

there is a music store i frequent in portland, or quite a bit and a couple of the guys who work there are friends, our bands gig together from time to time, etc....

so i walk in one day to buy some stuff and i am looking around and right over the front door is this big picture of this all girl band, all deked out in slut duds, tonz of makeup, tits hanging out, et.....there all looking like they could suck the seamen out of a submarine :D.

so, i look at this dude i know behind the counter and point to the picture and anounce, "damn, those chicks look like they have seen more cock than a urinal!"

dude, says, yeah, the lead singer is my girlfriend.

DOH!! :(

i left. havn't been back in the store.

peer amid

04-01-2002, 05:44 PM

I've played so many gigs, i can relate to everyone of these stories, with 10x varibles, but i just remembered something.
.
.
.
........i was playing a very high-class corporate christmas party
.
.
.......we went straight ahead with the usual thing, then tore it up
.
.
.........a very beautiful young woman comes over to me and says...
.
.
.....i'm planning a wedding this spring, would you be available?
.
..i looked her up and down, and said, if i went down on you, there wouldn't be a wedding......
.
.
......she laughed, then her fiancee turned around, he heard me, it was funny, we ended up being chums
.

.......just a warning to you valium users....
.
.
...
.
.

Six String Stuntman Steve

04-02-2002, 03:55 AM

Originally posted by MrKnobs:
The groupie chick said, "No problem" and gave my girlfriend the shirt right off her bare back. Yes that's right, less than a foot away from her 38 triple Ds in all their glory. Yow!!! That image is still burned in my brain.

they were sharing the lovely young lady I met!
"Better to share one good one than carry a lot 'o skanky ones."

CCCHHKKKKRRRRRRKKKHHH (choking noise)

DAMN!!! You've seen it all!!!! (pun intended)

Too bad i don't get groupies in my country, well, the closest we get to groupies are the girls in my batch that watch our shows (allegedly) to see abhi.

Hmmmm, if I wasn't such a moralistic guy maybe I should ask one of them to accompany me backstage after a show!! Just kidding! But still, the whole concept of groupies is pretty darn interesting, and then sharing a groupie?? Debatable topic, that.

-Nigel

tarantinos

04-02-2002, 03:20 PM

more, please give me more.

------------------
It don´t mean a thing, if it ain´t got that swing.

MrKnobs

04-02-2002, 03:56 PM

You guys, you just want the sexy stories. I have lots of those, but I'm restraining myself. :p

Here's another true story, this one more on topic. Try not to be too disappointed. ;)

I was working some shows for Gene Watson (country star). His drummer was kinda old fashioned, didn't want a lot of kick drum sound in the house. You kids need to understand that old school country players used to think drums should be really quiet, otherwise you weren't whitebread and apple pie, and people might actually start dancing animatedly and having a good time. Which is fine, if you're into that traditional sort of country.

Anyway, despite being a embarassingly white guy, I'm of the other school of thought, that is that drums and vocals are the important parts of the tune and the guitars and fiddles and stuff are just frosting; I like to hear some drums in my mix.

So you can guess that I was in constant conflict with this drummer, who warned me that if at any time he could hear the kick drum coming back from the house, he would disconnect the kick mike, which he did at every show. This was very frustrating for me as they played some fairly large halls and the onstage kick volume was not enough. No matter how light I mixed the kick, he always disconnected the mike. I don't think he could really hear it, I think he just didn't like it.

Finally, I got an idea. I still tossed a 57 in the kick, but I also stuck a trigger on the kick shell. At this time, triggers were not widely in use and I don't think he noticed it, or knew what it was. Sure enough, every gig he unplugged my 57, but he never touched the trigger. :D

Kinda like the old imaginary knob twist illusion, but that's another story.

Terry D.

$$$TDF$$$

mackoid

04-02-2002, 09:13 PM

C'mon, Terry! Keep 'em coming!

JP

rangerkarlos

04-03-2002, 08:16 AM

I smile every time I click page 2 and see:

Yeah, the lesbian circuit is a trip...

:D

Karlos

Six String Stuntman Steve

04-03-2002, 09:49 AM

Originally posted by rangerkarlos:
I smile every time I click page 2 and see:

Yeah, the lesbian circuit is a trip...
:D

oooh and how I wouldn't mind tripping over one (or two) of them. ;)

Six String Stuntman Steve

04-04-2002, 01:50 AM

Originally posted by MrKnobs:
Ahh, classic male fantasy, "converting" the lesbians. Good luck.

My advice is keep it a fantasy, much better than the reality. They are wired differently, my testosterone-laden friend. No conversion is possible. At best you can be an experiment for a (temporarily) confused one.

Naah, I've got a little someone already. Dedicated man I am. Don't need no confused hookers to "knock myself out". ;)

But hey, knock yourself out. Pick one of the crew cut, cigs rolled up in the sleeve, tatooed ones with arms bigger than your legs for a real challenge. ;)

You mean you get specimens like that? eeeeewwwww. I think i'd stay away. It's one thing to get the shit kicked out of me by an army type guy....but an army type girl?? mmm...not today!!

:D

-Nigel

ATOMICDOG1

04-04-2002, 11:20 AM

Heres one, We were providing pa for Julio Iglasias on a casino tour a couple years ago. We had an EAW KF850/SB850/SB1000 rig with crest power and a Midas XL3 for FOH and a Midas H3000, Crown 36/12 amps and EAW monitor cabs (sm400).
Anyway, Julios "people" show up and decide that they need to supplment the monitors. Now this is importaint, there is almost no stage volume except for drums (minimal plexi surround) and bass (on 2x10 cab) every one else has IEMs. So they bring in 2 meyer powered speakers on sticks, use four of our wedges AND bring in 8 thats EIGHT Turbosound flashlight cabs for extra monitoring. four of these (2 subs and 2 high cabs) are used for side fills and the artists lackies in their infinite wisdom decide that the the other four should be flown 40 feet into the house and aimed back at the stage. We were able to talk them out of putting more than two on the house truss but they werent happy about it.

So after we get this all flown and the cables run etc. the reason for all of the cabs is revealed. It turns out that Juilio has an extreme reverb fetish. They had a couple of TC M3000 verbs and a couple of Eventides and another delay that that they used in the different monitor sends, he had FOUR stereo monitor mixes for just himself, one from the truss at house center, one from the side fill, one fron the Meyers BEHIND him and one from our wedges. This is when the real fun began, His monitor engineer, with a constant litany of choice expletives started to try to tweak the monitors. Julio is also very picky it seems and the monitor guy spent several hours trying to get all of the feedback and the time issues corrected. When he was done he told me to stand in the center of the stage and then he checked the mic, I got an instant case of vertigo. I don't know how he can put up with it. Julio was very pleased though, he even complimented the monitor guy during sound check. Later, during the show it you could hear the reverbs from the monitors bouncing around and essing like crazy. Ruined an otherwise great mix.

------------------
Mike
www.strangedaze4.net (http://www.strangedaze4.net)

Sir H C

04-04-2002, 01:57 PM

Was chatting with someone recently who worked with Julio's FOH guy. Said he would go WEEKS without touching anything on the FOH board.

Now for my story from last night.

Rap show.

8 wireless mics on stage (Beta 87 capsules). DJ mic and DJ rig.

All eight mic's continuously cupped, DJ had the treble so cranked that I had -12 dB at 5k and it was still too bright.

They all had different voices and would exchange mics frequently.

And of course, they didn't soundcheck.

--------------------

Never did the Lesbians in the woods but I used to do the Punk Rock equivalent. All girl bands all day, and 1/2 sucked but no one said anything. I was one of about 5 men there. Nothing like girls with more leg hair than I have.

agedhorse

04-04-2002, 06:51 PM

Did you get all the transmitters back???

accomplice25

04-05-2002, 01:22 AM

Here's a pretty dumb one, although probably way too common.

I had recently started plying drums in a blues - rock type band that played like a million covers. The bassist also played in a metal band with me. We were all good friends.....To make a long story short it was the bassist's first open bar, not too long after his 21st. by the fourth set, he was so drunk his eyes were rolling back in his head as he stumbled around, playing very busy, very off-key bass lines. He literally ended up passing out STANDING UP while the guitarist was yelling out the chord changes to him. The guitarist immediately stopped the show. He remained standing up, but in a daze. We got him headed out the door, then the 45 year old bartender tried to take him home with her.

Another one - different band, different club, same bassist. We had just finished playing. Two 300-plus pound black women approach the bass player (odd because it was a metal show). They say, "Hey bass player - does that drummer have a girlfriend? We want to take hime home with us!" Knowing full well that I HAVE a girlfriend, my bassist says, "Nah, He'd probably love to go home with you - why don't you go ask him." So I had to explain to these large ladies that he was lying, while they were pissed, thinking I was just trying to get out of it. Fucker.

Six String Stuntman Steve

04-05-2002, 02:50 AM

Here's another story about our killer music teacher Tommy. This one time, although I can't remember the function, we were in our beautiful auditorium, practicing for something. So we had our instruments quite soft (only guitar, bass and acoustic grand piano) and if I remember correctly, it was one of those slowish inspiring songs that you sing at special assemblies. So usually there's a chorus on guitar, no loud distortion or anything.

So there we are, practicing on the main PA, and Tommy's figiting with the mixer (take note, he doesn't know BOLLOKS about mixers) and suddenly Abhi spots one of the main speakers lighting up. There was light coming from behind the speaker, and the two of us were fearing the worst.

First it was a faint light, then it flashed brighter and brighter until it reached such a stage that we could've sworn it was on fire. Oh, did I forget to mention that there was smoke coming out of the back too? That and it smelt like burning toast.

Now I was sure that the bad smell wasn't me because I hadn't had my lunch yet ;) so we quickly shouted out to Tommy and pointed this out. He said to us "Don't worry, it's a clip indicator built into the speaker, it's just telling you that the input is too high." Then he figited with the mixer a bit more (more smoke coming out the back) and then Robin (our hero soundman) came in and took over the mixer, doing his usual "rake robin" technique, SLAMMING everything to zero. So the speaker stopped "indicating" and everything was ok after that.

I'm not sure but I remember being told that they changed that particular speaker. Oh well, I guess it just got a bit carried away "indicating".

For my own knowledge, do you really get speakers that light up from the inside like that to indicate clipping?

-Nigel

bassknave

04-05-2002, 04:01 AM

Lotta mid-highs use a 12v lightbulb (automotive dome light) as a protective device. Dissipates excess energy as heat (and light). Light will usually blow before the compression driver diaphragm goes. Can be extra fun when a drunk/stoned singer sees his monitor light up.

Phil

MrKnobs

04-05-2002, 01:20 PM

I've been in this biz for 30+ years and I never ceased to be amazed by the sheer power of large crowds of people. Not only can they yell so loud it cuts through the biggest PA, but sometimes they can do magic tricks....

I was working an outdoor George Strait show at a county fair, maybe 15,000 people on a beautiful blue sky day. The very first show I ever did for George and I didn't really know what to expect. The sound company had plenty of gear in place for the job, set down on the concrete (for stability I suppose) while the band played on an elevated wooden stage.

Everything went smoothly for the opening band, as the large concrete area in front of the stage was mostly used as a dance floor; I think they even dusted some dance wax on it. I was starting to feel pretty good about my debut as a "bigtime" country sound guy (had only done rock and smaller country gigs prior to this). :cool:

The openers finished up and the crowd began to grow as the stagehands swapped out the backline. Pretty soon, there was one solid sea of people between mixtown and the stage, thousands and thousands of people pushing up to get a good look at George when he hits the stage. You couldn't see the concrete anymore.

The other thing I couldn't see anymore was the midrange cabs. I realized that if the show started like that I'd have shit for sound as the first few rows of folks would be bar-b-q'ed with mids that no one else would hear. I had to get the mids and horns elevated somehow. I wasn't wearing an intercom mike, and for some reason the monitor guy had turned my feed to his board off, so I had no way of telling the stage crew what my problem was. I tried to get backstage, but it would have taken 10 minutes to force my way through the crowd to the stage, and 10 minutes more to get back. I tried waving, but couldn't get the monitor guy's attention. :mad:

By this time, everything was in place and the band was just waiting for a signal to come out. I did the only thing I could think of, I spoke through the mains, addressing the audience but hoping the stage crew would hear and help me. I said, "Folks, if you'll just be patient for a few more minutes George will be right out. First we have to get the speakers up on the stage so everyone will be able to hear."

What happened next, I was totally unprepared for. :eek:

The stage right crowd suddenly surged forward and lifted the entire left stack, all at once, subs and all onto the stage. The stagehands had the presence of mind to steady it as it came up. The audience by the right stack saw what had happened and did the same on their side. The entire process took maybe 30 seconds. You could have knocked me over with a feather!

I turned up the CD that was playing for a moment and it seemed like both stacks were more or less working. So I told the crowd, "Well, alright then. Please put your hands together for George Strait!"

True story. :D

Terry D.

$$$TDG$$$

Sir H C

04-05-2002, 01:48 PM

So this one club I work at has a stage that can move forward and back (on wheels and it is done manually) so if the show is not selling great, you can move it forward and it won't look so sparse. Well, there was a local favorite Ska band headlining. When they started playing their set the crowd surged forward pushing the stage 6 feet backwards into the back wall. There was a tech tuning guitars back there at the time and he was saved because some roadcases took the impact. Now they put spansets on the stage to keep it from moving during a show.

Another classic was a punk show in front of the White House during the gulf war. Well, the stage was made of 4'x8' sheets of plywood with 6"x2" beams for support. To get the stage off the ground, they used milk crates. To get the stage high, they used 3 stacked milk crates. Now, you have a punk crowd dancing and hitting the stage pushing it backwards, and you could see the milkcrates tilt. Fortunately it held and nothing fell to the ground. That was a strange show.

rangerkarlos

04-05-2002, 03:14 PM

Originally posted by MrKnobs:

What happened next, I was totally unprepared for. :eek:

The stage right crowd suddenly surged forward and lifted the entire left stack, all at once, subs and all onto the stage. The stagehands had the presence of mind to steady it as it came up. The audience by the right stack saw what had happened and did the same on their side. The entire process took maybe 30 seconds. You could have knocked me over with a feather!

I turned up the CD that was playing for a moment and it seemed like both stacks were more or less working. So I told the crowd, "Well, alright then. Please put your hands together for George Strait!"

True story. :D

Terry D.

[This message has been edited by THE INCREDIBLE MrKnobs (edited April 05, 2002).]

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

You-da-man, man!

Karlos™

mackoid

04-08-2002, 02:21 PM

Keem em' coming!

'63-Strat

04-08-2002, 05:47 PM

MORE!!!MORE!!!

'63-Strat

04-08-2002, 06:17 PM

Ok, I guess I'll add one of mine. Its not so much stupid as it is annoying.

I used to play with a jazz trio in Vancouver (which broke up once my keyboard player moved to Montreal). We played corporate gigs and parties, weddings etc. Anyways one of the gigs involves us playing on a boat cruise around English Bay (Vancouver's beautiful Western harbour area) and then getting off and setting up AGAIN to play in a restaurant in Granville Island for an Orthopedic Surgeon's convention. The event is organized by a couple of middle-aged women (I'm going to assume by their incompetence and very expensive clothing/cars/etc. that these were recent entries into the working world, probably wives of one of the surgeons). We told them what we'd be bringing : drum kit, hammond B3 and Leslie cab, my guitar amp, stools, and bench etc. We expressed concerns as to how we would be able to a) load in the B3 into the boat at all and also b) how much time it would take to set up again in the restaurant. We were told that we would be given heavy duty dollies w/ nice big tires on them and that we would be helped by the boat staff on one end and the restaurant staff on the other.

I was the "strong" guy in the group which is a very relative term and knew the horrors of carrying the bottom end of the B3 up steep stairs brought to my back. The boat was no exception. Steep, narrow stairs, big surprise. The boat staff consisted of a cocktail waitress who would be of no use in lifting a B3. The rest of them conveniently came on the boat just before the guests did and well after we were meant to be setup. We had to lift everything up ourselves and big surprise: no dollies at all. It was around this time that I swore at my keyboard player again (along with my drummer) to get a freakin' organ patch on a keyboard. I love tube amps, but SCREW ANALOG!!!!! Gig was off to a great start.

The actual playing was no problem. We knew to keep our volume down. That's how corporate gigs work. You are background music. You are also paid very well. We made between $250-300 CDN. each per gig. We had a huge wealth of material to draw from and we always had fun with the actual playing.

We get to Granville Island and its raining. Hard. Big surprise in Vancouver. Again, the restaurant staff did not help, and no dollies. The two "event organizers" were already inside the restaurant drinking martini's paid for by the convention. So were the guests. We had to haul our entire setup into the restaurant in the rain ourselves. The two women had the nerve to come out and complain about how long we were taking loading in. I politely reminded the women that we were promised help and dollies of which we received neither. I told her that we would setup and play but since the terms we agreed to were not met that we had no obligation to do so. The look of anger and confusion on the woman's face was priceless. She obviously had no freakin' clue how this business works. We were making good money and I wasn't going to make an enemy of a potential repeat client (which the Orthopedic surgeons turned out to be. The "event organizers" I did not see again. I wish them well). We finally got setup and played for another several hours. Did I mention we were in suits? Wet suits (from the rain :)) ? Hmmm... I really miss playing those gigs. No wait a sec... No I don't! We got to order whatever we wanted to eat and drink while the requisite speeches and awards took place (pretty standard for these kind of gigs. I of course ordered the steak).

------------------
Bogner Ecstasy 101b
Bogner 4X12 V30
Fender Super Champ
'63 Fender Stratocaster
Taylor 812CE
Ibanez Byrdland copy
Gibson Les Paul Std.

NashRawk

04-09-2002, 08:27 AM

Originally posted by MrKnobs:
Oh wait, I lied.

I once worked FOH for Joe King Carrasco, a party rocker who liked to stage dive into the audience and put on a hell of a show. I asked him if there was any special effect he'd like from the sound or lights. He told me he liked to dump confetti into the audience at the end of his show.

Well, I'd never been asked for that before, and had no idea how to do it. A big net, like with balloons? A CO2 pipe? I didn't have any of that stuff, I had a bunch of concussion mortars. So I sent a roadie to buy some bags of confetti and I stuffed it all tightly into my mortars, mounted up on the light trusses aiming toward the crowd. At the agreed upon moment, the light guy fired the pyro.

I guess I forgot that confetti was flammable. Anyway, it made a gigantic noise that surprised and stopped the band dead in their tracks, and rained down flaming confetti onto a large section of the audience. I think everyone was pretty surprised, especially me. People were patting out flaming confetti on their hair and clothes, but no one was seriously injured, luckily for me.

It was quite pretty coming down, though. :)

Terry D.

thats the funniest story ive ever heard

mackoid

04-10-2002, 02:07 PM

C'mon, don't let it die!

'63 Strat, that was a good one.

JP

kevinnemrava

04-10-2002, 09:42 PM

.. okay not a great as others, but I am going the gig, its a play, well two stories-this is the first. Okay its a play, and we had rented some light towers, and a little sound gear to augment our system(they lost an amp so they rented a new one!). I am the lead tech guy, helping me is the drummer from the local band, who knows nothing, this will be a bit importand later. okay lots of problems, due to the 15 amp breakers, ... we had 2, 2000 watt light towers + 1000 watts of on stage lighting -do the calcs we are not in good shape. So we add in teh sound system. drummer dude runs the lights I run the sound, all is good. First show goes bad, ... in more ways then one... this story goes that we keep tripping the breakers in the middle of the show, and each time the emergancy lights come one.. bla bla bla..... so the next day I go about rerouting power cord all over the place, and fliping breakers, .. and I get it all sorted out. Have a big disscussion about why its happining. SAME THING HAPPENS I find out after teh fact the drummer guy went around and set them all back to where they were...uhhhhh some people should be on a leash. then gets mad at me cause MY sound system (about 1000 watts +- ) is shutting down HIS lights. not a team player. anyway I have more, they will come in time.

Zeromus-X

04-12-2002, 09:09 AM

I guess it's my turn. :)

Here's one related to pyro that I'm sure MrKnobs can appreciate!

So it's the day before New Years Eve. We got booked at a rather large venue to open the show, but our drummer couldn't get off work, so the people in charge told us we could simply have the headlining slot and the other bands would be bumped up. Soundcheck is at 4:30 PM that day, so we get all the stuff loaded. Everyone else in the band had a job they had to be at, so I drove back and forth bringing the equipment and setting it up. I set all the levels and made the soundman happy with a nice low stage volume.

I also decided that hey, we might as well milk this. Let's make it look good. The stage has got a pretty high clearance (about 12 foot), there's a nice light hanging from the ceiling but that shouldn't be a problem. The plan was to put one flashpot between each of us on stage -- the three on the front line (guitar, bass, singer) -- so that there would technically be two pots on the front of the stage. We masked off five feet from the front of the stage, as that's the minimum "Safe distance" for these, and marked where the pots would go.

Before I continue, let me just mention that I am not a licensed pyrotechnic operator, nor did we have ANY permits or ANY fire crew on hand.

Anyway, the owner wanted to see exactly what we were planning on doing. So we go out behind the backstage area. There's a big 1" thick steel door on rusty hinges that he pries open, and we're outside. A sidewalk extends for about 35 feet, where it gets to the street.

I bring one of the flashpots out there (note that I'm using sonic powder for this, as I like the boom! :)) and run an extension cord inside. Load the thing up, check the safety, make sure no one's near the thing, the usual routine. We're standing back by the door, so it's a good 20 feet away. I hit the trigger.

*poof*

A little burst of smoke and a crackle that sounds something like popcorn being popped in the microwave. The guy looks at me and goes "Now you can't be serious... I know you just didn't load it much, and during the show you're just gonna have it blow bigger." In a way, he was right -- I was a little bit cautious in loading it, and put slightly less than an optimal amount in there. So I tell him hang on, it simply didn't fire right, lemme go measure it out exactly as I'm gonna have it on stage. He stands by the door, going in and out to make sure the light grid is working.

I put my two teaspoons of powder in the pot, check the connections again, and go get him. We come out, and he stands slightly in front of the door, leaving it open in case anyone needs him (it's open at about an 80 degree angle from the wall; pretty far). I plug it in, check the safety, and stomp my foot on the switch.

What happened next, words cannot describe. The loudest blast I have ever heard in my life occurs. Car alarms immediately start going off. The door behind us slams shut from the force. Yes, the rusted-hinge 1" steel door. We're locked out of the venue. The guy is just staring straight at me. Walking over to the pot... it's not there any more. Well, the frame of it is. But the entire top is blown off. This thing was a solid metal flashpot, too. It looks like someone put a stick of dynamite on top of it. I still don't know where the top portion landed.

Turns out I had grabbed the "tablespoon", and not the "teaspoon". :(

So we're standing there, I've managed to lock the owner out of his own club. About five minutes later someone finally comes out and lets us back in. The cops show up to find out what the hell happened. Fortunately, they didn't arrest me for firing pyro off without a permit. They just left. Needless to say, we didn't use it during the show!

That was the last show we ever played as a band. Turns out the promoter never bothered to tell the other bands that their times were moved up, so the others all got pissed off at us when their sets were cut and their fans showed up late/etc. Our drummer didn't show up until about 10 minutes into our set, which didn't help any. Very bad show.

[This message has been edited by Zeromus-X (edited April 12, 2002).]

Nighthawkdude

04-12-2002, 09:42 AM

My band had a big guy named Chad who used to hang out with us and do the roadie thing. We were a country band, but used to play a lot of stuff like Allman Bros, Skynyrd, Molly Hatchett, ZZ Top (you get the picture) to get the crowd fired up. Anyway, this guy Chad is huge (6'4" and about 300lbs) and not too bright! He was great at schlepping amps, though. We're talking a guy who can carry old Altec VOT cabs by himself! Anyway, while we would play Tube Snake Boogie, he would work the crowd from the stage. He would jump around and dance, wave his arms, scream, stuff like that, kinda like that dancing guy in the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. One night, we are playing a club and the crowd is jammin', packed in tight in front of the 6' high stage, and we're doing TSB and they're diggin' it! Out of the blue, Chad decides he is going to dive off the stage into the crowd, a la mosh pit! They'll catch him and carry him around on their hands, right?

WRONG!!!!!

Chad dives into the crowd. Girls are screaming in terror! The crowd parts like the Red Sea. Chad does a full-power swan dive face-down onto a concrete dance floor. Blood flies everywhere!

Without skipping a beat, Chad jumps up, his face dripping in blood from his broken nose, and he grabs the nearest girl and starts dancing! She's freaking out, and the rest of the crowd is just staring at him. We trainwreck the song, we're laughing so hard. He turns and looks at us and says, "What?!" We started playing again as if nothing happened, finishing the set while some disgusted barmaid had to mop up the dancefloor. Chad never got his nose reset, either. After that night, we started monitoring his alcohol consumption a lot more closely.

------------------
Don't forget to tip your bartenders and waitresses. Everyone loves a waitress with big "tips".

Six String Stuntman Steve

04-12-2002, 12:35 PM

Originally posted by Nighthawkdude:
Chad does a full-power swan dive face-down onto a concrete dance floor. Blood flies everywhere!

OOOUUUUUCCCCCCHHHHH!!!!! Ow Ow Ow OW!!! Oh I'd HATE to be in his place.
OWWWWW!!!

-Nigel

MrKnobs

04-12-2002, 10:18 PM

This is more like a sneaky story, but it does involve pyro.

Some years ago, I was producing a video for MTV's basement tapes, basically a semi-homemade video for an unsigned band trying to get on their weekly contest.

These were the 80's metal days, big hair, spandex, dance choreography, you know the drill. The band wanted some pyro and asked me to do it.

You know how I feel about pyro, I had just purchased some airburst pyro and I was itching to try it. Trouble was, the band was shooting on university facilities using thier rooms and gear to save money. No way the university would authorize pyro, and no way we'd get away with it with all the smoke detectors in the ballroom we were using.

I was scratching my head when I noticed the band's little smoke machine, one of those oil foggers that no one uses anymore, partly because they're so toxic and partly because they don't work worth a crap. It was pooting out a little pathetic wisp of stinky smoke that wouldn't have even been visible on the video.

I got an idea. I set up the pathetic smoke machine front and center and wired up a ton of pyro both floor launched and airburst. I warned the band we'd only get one shot at it and not to mess up their cues.

The band kicked off the tune and the light guy fired all the pyro at once. It was awesome, ten foot flames across the stage front combined with magnesium airbursts firing downward at the band. We got it all on videotape from several angles.

Of course the smoke detectors immediately started screaming, and the campus police arrived in large numbers within minutes. They wanted to know what the hell was going on!

I pointed at the pathetic little smoke machine, pressed its button, and a thin wisp of sad smoke squirted out right on cue. I told the cops I had no idea my little smoke machine would set off the detectors. The cops sternly warned me to unplug it and not to use it again. Works for me. :D

Later, we had one more scene to shoot using pyro; the script called for the mixer to catch on fire and explode (too much volume, I guess). We shot that footage in the editing room after meticulously disassembling the single smoke detector on the ceiling.

We were lucky as someone found two identical Peavey boards that had been damaged in a truck fire. One looked perfect, the other charred. Neither worked and had been declared total losses. We bought them both for $20. We locked a camera on the clean board from overhead, shot a few seconds of that with someone's hand pushing the master slider all the way up, then substituted the charred board in the exact spot, controls set the same. We proceeded to set it on fire with lighter fluid, ignite magnesium flash powder in the slider slots, then burned smokeless powder across the control surface. The composite of these shots looked great.

Now our choreographed dance scene with dancers doing "the worm," "the robot," etc., THAT was a different matter. The drummer even changed his shirt mysteriously in the middle of the song!

Terry D.

P.S. Some jackass FOUND the video and posted it HERE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqjVE6fIlOc) on YouTube!

$$$TDH$$$

ATOMICDOG1

04-15-2002, 05:57 PM

I saw one of the most stupid things this weekend. I was doing a fill in at a club where I mix from time to time when my regular band is off, and I was mixing for a band whose lead singer just happened to be having his 21st b-day. Needless to say that everyone there was trying to get the kid drunk... (did I say drunk? I meant stumbling, puking, falling down drooling, Sh**ified).
So any way, first set was okay, By the end you could see him starting to get kinda happy and tipsy. After he came back from break, He was slurring and weaving, still didn't sound too bad, but you could tell he was on his way. He started saying sorta strange things between songs that didn't quite make sense, usually about the girls in the front row. So by now he was pretty smashed and was miffing tunes but not real noticeably... yet.
They went on break, and the singer disappears into the dressing room. One of the owners ( who is an egotistical maniacal bitter, asshole former college football player loser who likes to bully people) come into the dressing room and theres the singer kinda sprawled on the couch with a lit smoke in his hand. His eyes are closed. The owner assumes that he's passed out and kicks him in the leg to wake him up. The singer (who swears that he wasn't passed out, takes offense and an argument ensues. Then its time to play and the singer is now REALLY pissed off and REALLY drunk gets on the stage.
Anger must have inspired him, cuz after two PERFECT blistering songs the kid totally went off... OVER THE MIC! He was unloading this shit about how he just wanted to help the crowd enjoy themselves and how hard it was to do when some moron nazi asshole had to go and ruin it for everybody...blah...blah. This went on for a couple of minutes before the owner dude came running up to me and told me to kill the mic. (I didn't up to this point cuz I really don't like the dude and I thought it was priceless to see some one stand up to him.)
The kid just kept going the crowd by stage was cheering cuz they could still hear him through the monitors. The other band members had looks of horror on their faces as they tried to get him away from the mic. The owner is just standing at the back of the bar glaring at the stage. The band actually finished the set, and I can't remember the singer ever sounding better. Go figure.
The owner who kicked the singer told them that they were "done in this town" and that he was going to make sure that this was going to hurt them in the future. While they were loading out the other owner (senior partner) came in and heard the whole story from both sides. He laughed his ass off, He doesn't like his partner either. He told the band that they were one of the best draws that they had and he'd give the other owner some time to cool off and have them back on one condition: owner one and the singer are no longer allowed to talk to each other.

'63-Strat

04-15-2002, 09:13 PM

nice one. I'd love to say a few things to guys who always seem to screw you for ticket sales over the mic. Like when you've just watched like 50 of your friends get hammered and have a good time all night and then you're told that you only sold 35 tickets.

tarantinos

04-17-2002, 08:25 AM

One of my friends does a lot of the big punk bands like Rancid, Sublime, Nofx and so forth.
Well he told me about this one time (and it wasn´t at band camp) where he was doing sound for Guttermouth with a couple of support bands.
Well it was in the summer and it was shithot and the amps was overheading so he sent some guys back to the hotel to pick up some fans, but it still wasn´t enough, so when Guttermouth took the stage the amps was down and there wasn´t any sound!
Was does my friend do? run to the bar, jump over the disc, pulls out his knife and unscrew the two CO2 cans cooling the tap beer and jump over the disc again and runs up to the stage and empties them on the amps... Sounds back on :)
He wasn´t very popular in the bar that night though...

ATOMICDOG1

04-19-2002, 07:26 AM

Bump

------------------
Mike
www.strangedaze4.net (http://www.strangedaze4.net)

ashivraj

04-20-2002, 11:07 PM

bump

c'mon, fellas... we can't let this thread stay so low that one needs to scroll to find it.

this is my only source of entertainment in a world in which life is but a drag, and existance makes me weary... my only reprieve, albeit temporary, is in logging on and finding new posts on this thread.

bump (again)

AS

Six String Stuntman Steve

04-21-2002, 01:08 PM

Originally posted by ashivraj:

this is my only source of entertainment in a world in which life is but a drag, and existance makes me weary... my only reprieve, albeit temporary, is in logging on and finding new posts on this thread.

Aaaah bullshit. Don't believe a word he says guys. He's taking everyone else's girlfriends to the prom 3 weeks from now. He's got as much entertainment as he needs.

I agree with him about not letting the thread die though.

Keep 'em coming. I've got a couple I'll type out when I get the time.

-Nigel

tarantinos

04-23-2002, 06:46 AM

bumpetibump

Elroi

04-23-2002, 12:50 PM

Okay, my wife reminded me of this one.
We play Christian rock, so a county fair was having a Sunday night vesper service to open the fair week and they called us in to provide a concert for the evening (and a sound system for the worship service). So we borrowed a pickup truck to pull a Uhaul trailer full of equipemnt (we had just acquired our lights and a new amp for the subs -- we were pretty excited to use all this new stuff).

So, on the way to the show, we're driving down this steep and winding hill (this is Western PA, afterall) and I try to slow down, and the brake pedal goes almost to the floor -- and we hardly slow down at all... So, I shift it down into the lowest gear, pump the brake pedal and we make it to the bottom of the hill and limp into the fair ground. Now it's been raining all day and we pull in to unload and they direct us to the stage -- it was in a pavilion (at least it was covered) which maybe held a hundred people. We looked around at the fairground (bear in mind that this is a COUNTY fair) and it was all of two hundred yards across -- tinyest fairground I've ever seen (Cameron County for those who know PA).
So we back the trailer up to the stage and it sinks to the axle into the mud. Well, we unload the 1500 lbs or so of equipment hoping that lightening the load will help. Of course with no brakes we're not sure how we're going to get out of there anyway. Nobody had a cell phone (this was early nineties) so a my wife went with the drummer to call the guy who owns the truck to see what we should do. We disconnected the trailer and pulled the truck up alongside the "road" (now a river of mud). The guy who owns the truck says he'll be there in an hour or so to see if he can fix the brakes.

We set up -- it rains on and off, but we're pretty dry. Now at this time we didn't know that you should power up amps one at a time, we just plugged them all into a power conditioner, and flipped its switch, turning them all on at once (a PV 1.3k 1,300 watts, a CS 800 and a couple of smaller amps for the highs and the monitors) and so we flip the switch and the lights in the ENTIRE fairground dim... Hmmm, good clean power here no doubt. Undaunted (ignorant, really), we set up the lights (14 PAR 64/500 watts each), powered them up and, again, the lights dimmed...fortunately we had several circuits to use (though some of those lights were on some pretty long, flimsy extension cords).

Okay -- sound check goes okay -- I think we tripped a circuit once but figured out the problem. The guy who owns the truck shows up just about the time the worship services are starting. Now, we didn't know what to expect, but they had something like four different speakers and a couple of musical interludes (keyboard and acoustic guitar as I remember). The speakers are preaching up on stage about fifty feet from the pickup truck. The guy who owns the truck has crawled under the pickup and is replacing a brake line in the dark, sinking in the mud. He's in a foul mood and keeps swearing -- louder and louder. Meanwhile, on stage, the preacher is doing his best Western PA imitation of an evangelist -- you know, he's strutting around, yelling and saying "uh" a lot... I guess the guy under the truck finally heard what was going on behind him because he yells out, "What is this, some kind of a g**d**n revival or something?" Um, yeah. That's exactly what it is...
Well, they didn't kick us out -- but we never got asked back, either...

Bill

[This message has been edited by Elroi (edited April 23, 2002).]

turbo red

04-24-2002, 06:17 PM

hey guys im a new member,long time visitor and this thread cracks me up!
I ran monitors for the past three years for an irish female country singer.She tours england
scotland and wales as well as a few other european countries.The monitor system itself is
a five way mix with shure in ears,and its the sort of gig that once the mix is set it hardly ever
changes,so it is SO boring!anyways one night i was particularly bored and decided to have
some fun with the guys in the band.during a break in the set audience members approach
the stage and give the star of the show some flowers(bullshit i know). a VERY attractive girl
approached the stage and i decided i would let the guys know what i thought of her and in
particular her breasts via the talkback.Once the gig was over i began packing up when i was
that the star of the show did not appreciate me making comments about breasts when she
was trying to run a show.I had forgotten that i had the talkback routed to her mix also!

agedhorse

04-24-2002, 06:34 PM

I just finished a date with Natalie McMaster... (great Irish act if anyone gets the opportunity to see her) lots of joking around and pranks to be played by all.

I wanted to change the name on the FOH guy's sound level meter (was Radio Shack) with a taped on label, but my monitor guy talked me out of it. Seems that would have interfered with his prank of putting Radio Shack label on the band monitor guy's laptop. Of course he didn't tell me why until after the gig and they were long gone. The next venue will get the opportunity to ask why he was using the Radio Shack laptop!

Six String Stuntman Steve

04-26-2002, 01:56 AM

El Bumpo

ashivraj

04-26-2002, 04:05 PM

Originally posted by Six String Stuntman Steve:
El Bumpo

DON'T BELIEVE HIM!

take my word for it instead... El Bumpo

AS

ashivraj

04-26-2002, 04:06 PM

Originally posted by Six String Stuntman Steve:
El Bumpo

actually, on second thought... what he said.

AS

Six String Stuntman Steve

04-28-2002, 12:17 PM

bump again. Must.......save.....thread.

-Nigel

ashivraj

04-30-2002, 09:11 PM

it was at the bottom of the page!!

AS

ashivraj

05-05-2002, 11:05 PM

ITS ON PAGE 2

PAGE 2

BUMP

page 1

whew!

AS

ashivraj

05-17-2002, 11:55 AM

page 3 to page 1.

here we are. at the top.

AS

Six String Stuntman Steve

05-17-2002, 01:00 PM

Here's another one about our genius music teacher tommy. You see, before tommy came along, the music teacher was a dude called Kevin J. Oliver...a remarkablee, extremely talented, creative man. He wasn't so much a musician but more of a director and what a superb job he did. Our school had many great shows like Starlight Express and Cats under his direction. He left for Canada to pursue a wider career. He does lotsa stuff like fashion shows. Recently he came back to Dubai to our school to do the show "Saturday Night Fever" where I got to play Travolta!! It was a great show by a great man. And no, I'm not just saying that because he gaveme a part.

Anyway, so when tommy first came in, everyone expected him to live up to Oliver's standard which, I guess was a bit unrealistic. Tommy didn't help the situation much. He came in like a hero, I decided that it was time to start playing guitar in school and he took me, abhishek and a few uothers under his wing with promises of studio recordings and music projects and international competitions and the like. It was 3 months before I realized he was full of blank promises and I told him just that. He hated me after that.

Back to the story. So the month of April 99 came and modern high beckoned another production. Tommy decided to do Annie, the kiddies musical. It's tradition in The Modern High School always to shine in the music dept. of these shows, with a good band, usually having an outsider or two. The fact is, we don't have musician's in school, and those who do play are the type that go to two lessons and think they've learnt it all. So I said to tommy, I'd love to play the guitar and we'd get a drummer from outside..."NO!! No DRUMMER!!! If this is a school show, evreeyone must be FROM SCHOOL."

In the end I got a small acting role, and I didn't go back to him. I don't quite remember what happened but we mimed to a cd in the end.

A year later show fever came around again and we chose a Disney production called Newsies. Once again tommy refused to have a band of outsiders. Then the fun started. He started parading around school sayingthat he was working everyday for 5 hours at the studio creating the music. Not bad. then he started parading around flashing the term "Sound Sampling" to all the big people. Not bad, it started to sound interesting. Big talk went around about tommy recording whole orchestral parts in the studio. There was a craze. Suddenly everyone admired him, what was he doing? Then he billed the school for rental of a Korg Triton if i remember correctly. WOW!! Abhi wasn't going to the studio with him so he didn't know what exactly was happening. I however, was the only one who thought something wasn't right. It was around this time that he really used to give me a tough time simply because I didn't buy his Digitech RP1 soundpad from him for the equivalent of a brand new Digitech RP2000 (which I now own).

No matter, his fame spread across the school. And in our musically backward society, tommy's "sound sampling" earned him much respect. He would come back and tell us tales of how he would emulate sounds on the keyboard then use them to record complex, massive parts. You had to hand it to the guy....he must've really been working hard.

The days of tech rehearsal came. And as i stood there acting my part, lo and behold....the original soundtrack cd played!!

But how?? How could this be? Where was tommy's sound sampling? His 3 weeks of 5 hours a day and 10 hours on weekends???

Turns out his sound sampling was CD burning. He recorded the original soundtrack cd onto two stereo tracks on the mixer, had it recorded digitally and burned a cd.

We didn't have a show the following year, breaking a 12 year tradition.

-Nigel

texsun

05-17-2002, 03:46 PM

[QUOTE]Originally posted by MrKnobs:
[What happened next, I was totally unprepared for. :eek:

The stage right crowd suddenly surged forward and lifted the entire left stack, all at once, subs and all onto the stage. The stagehands had the presence of mind to steady it as it came up. The audience by the right stack saw what had happened and did the same on their side. The entire process took maybe 30 seconds. You could have knocked me over with a feather!

I turned up the CD that was playing for a moment and it seemed like both stacks were more or less working. So I told the crowd, "Well, alright then. Please put your hands together for George Strait!"

QUOTE]

Too cool !!!

thamayor

05-17-2002, 04:35 PM

i was working for a friend once a few years ago and we did sound for jody whatley at a small club here. well she came on stage and the first song she bitched (on the mic in front of the audience) about the volume. so we turned it up more than enough. well then her CD (yes not a dat) skipped and she bitched again in front of everyone on stage. well we went to the next song it skipped again aand she said go to the next song well we went to the begining of the song again she she got pissed and said "i cant work like this " , and walked off stage. everybody there started bitching at us. it was looking like it could get REAL ugly REAL quick. so i turned to the people beside us and started explaining to them exactly what happend. she was lip syncing. then after that got spread through the crowd. they started hollering at her. the next morning the radio station that sponsored it said she was banned from ever being played again and they were dawging her. it was wild.

tarantinos

05-23-2002, 03:32 PM

Originally posted by MrKnobs
I'm gettin' the urge to tell another stupid story.

Terry D.
Do it, it has been far to long ago.

MrKnobs

05-23-2002, 03:44 PM

It's just that I have to read the whole damn thread again to see what I've posted and what I haven't.

Let's see... (notes for myself)

the two lesbians,
*the tour for the mexican mafia,
*the fistfight with the born again guy,
*the chick pulling the train backstage at GS,
*the high speed car chase (shots fired),
*the stolen church fire extinguisher,
*the "party" with "Candy" and "Sandy",
the dude who plays slap bass with his feet,
my singer Julie and the two strippers,
*the "jewelled" flagpole at Dime Box,
*the mirror at Kashim,
Joanna the puker,
Mooning at the radio station,
the soundman's mother,
*standoff in Mexia, TX,
*cop in a box,
*my name is Blanca M.,
*mexican border search,
a little fun with wireless guitar,
Dime Box body slam,
Light guy mixes "Cotton Eye Joe",
See-through dimmer pack,
TV stolen solo by Bill B.,
Kevin plays in the wrong key,
Bathroom boob flasher,
ShowCo transistorized George S.,
Melting w/ the big boys at Silver Wings,
*"Barnell" and the girls,
Scott B. quits over barbecue
"Bad" fuel pump in Brenham
Kicking a dead dog in Industry, TX
*KD
Nick & Herb fistfight over change
Nick's gf enters through the window
Box wrench + hose clamps = tie rod
xHouse of oriental delight
?Trigger on Gene W.'s kick drum
*roaches in the Traynor amp
Fired for being ugly!
*Escape from Matamoros jail

hmmm...

gotta think, surely I have something interesting to post.

Terry D.

MrKnobs

05-23-2002, 05:53 PM

Let me tell you about Candy and Sandy, and a hard lesson I learned about myself.

This happened in the mid 80's, when I was in a cover band called O/Z, playing mostly AC/DC, John Cougar, Ted Nugent, etc.. in mostly biker bars across Texas.

One night we were doing a show in Brenham TX, which is an unremarkable town except for two facts: (1) it has a large junior college which provides a ready audience for any rock band passing through, and (2) it's home to some of the friendliest, horniest girls in Texas. Needless to say, our band always looked forward to playing there. :cool:

On this particular night, there were two of these lovely young ladies sitting by themselves at a table right in front of the stage. Now it was always an O/Z tradition to engage in interactive play with our young female audience members, usually accomplished by extending our guitar necks down to the point where they could almost touch them, exhorting them to "show us your boobs," and other similar artistic acts. In fact, we did that at each and every show with good results. ;)

For some reason, I decided to make an ass out of myself in a more creative manner and simply stepped out onto their table, ripping some sort of solo with my guitar neck down, and of course exhorting them to show us their boobs. Far from being horrified or leaving, they seemed to be entertained so I took a risk and sat down with them at the end of the number. I flashed the three finger sign to my bandmates, which meant "play three piece without me while I change a string" except that I hadn't broken a string. (We had special songs set aside so that the show could continue if any one of us was momentarily incapacitated). My bandmates glared at me and complied. They were good at glaring, perphaps you remember my bandmate W from the pants fire story.

They seemed quite taken with me, and more than a little inebriated. They scribbled their phone no. for me (roommates) and invited me to a party at their place after the show. Their names, allegedly, were Candy and Sandy.

Now this was what I got into rock'n'roll for! Hot damn! :D

After the crowd cleared out, I made a little speech to my bandmates. I told 'em I was the guy who always stayed until the load out was complete while someone else always had some urgent matter to attend to. Well, tonight I've got an urgent matter to attend to, and you guys can load it all up without me. OR, you can leave it and I'll pack it in the morning in which case I quit. :p

In short, I made a compete ass of myself. :o

Off to see Candy and Sandy, exciting studly rock star that I imagined myself to be.

Arriving at their pad, I was surprised to find no party in progress. In fact, even Candy, the primary object of my lust was nowhere to be seen. Sandy was sitting alone on the couch in their sparsely furnished old house. I've always thought when life gives you lemons, make lemonade, so I promptly set to chatting Sandy up.

Several times in the conversation, I asked where Candy had made off to. Sandy was discreet, but behind a closed door the gentleman who, unknown to me, was at that time in bed with Candy heard my words and became upset. A few muted angry words were exchanged between the two of them and suddenly he burst forth with his shirt half on and pulling his pants up, still yelling at Candy. I thought he was going to kick my ass on the spot but he was intent only on getting out the door. :eek:

I followed him out onto the porch only to find him still half undressed and sparking up a doob. I started to explain that I'd only heard about a party, I didn't... I wouldn't... etc... He said, and I quote, "No man, it's not you, it's these bitches." We shared a couple of drags off the joint and he left.

Now comes the part I will remember for the rest of my life.

I went back inside and resumed trying to pick up Sandy. After a while, I realized Candy was calling me from her bedroom. Like an idiot, I went in there to see what she wanted. She was totally naked, except for the sheet which she wasn't being very careful about. She asked me to rub her neck, and I could do nothing but comply. Suddenly, she pulled me down and her intent was obvious.

Believe it or not, here's what I said: "Now hold on, I don't know what's going on here, but I didn't come over to cause any trouble for anyone. I just thought you were cute when I met you at the bar, and was hoping to talk with you some more. Then, maybe, if we hit it off, we could have dinner or something later."

She stared at me in shock for a millisecond, then pushed me away roughly. She looked me straight in the eyes and said, "What are you? Some kind of f#@*ing nice guy? You better just get the f%$# out of here!" :eek:

I felt like I was hit with a pole axe. I just turned and walked out without a word, right past Sandy, got in my truck and drove back to College Station where the band kept our stuff in a storage locker. My bandmates were still there unloading and they had great sport at my expense. "Hey Stud! What happened? Struck out? Already done? etc... etc.." :mad:

My dick was in the dirt. I was depressed for at least a month. Here I was, a nice guy (I can still hear her saying that which such contempt), pretending to be some sort of low rent rock star, and fooling nobody but myself. What a loser idiot. :(

I'll remember that lesson as long as I live. Now, I'm just myself no matter what. I don't need the three A's (attention, affirmation, and affection) from people who don't like me as I am. There are plenty of people who will. Yeah!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put on my makeup and spandex to get ready for my show tonight. Wouldn't want to disappoint the ladies. ;)

Terry D.

P. S. I promise I'll tell a more uplifting story next time.

$$$TDI$$$

IsildursBane

05-24-2002, 11:36 AM

>P. S. I promise I'll tell a more uplifting story next time.

yeah, dude, I want to hear about the mexican mafia. :-)

-Dan.

Garry Vogel

05-24-2002, 12:09 PM

Way back in the 80`s metal days (circa Shout At The Devil), my old band snared a weekend at a local seedy metal club. Our last song of the third set was "Take Me To The Top" by Motley (SHeesh, what a lame song-- I had to teach the other guitarist Jim how to play the unison solo even...).

A few days prior, we had tested our concussion mortar outside at the singer`s house (he had a cop for a next-door neighbor, and after clearing the potential noise issue with him, he witnessed the boom with glee...).

For those unfamiliar, a concussion mortar is a big steel tube with a heavy base that you fill with smokeless powder, and set off with model-rocket igniters. A standard load is two capfulls of powder.

We set it off outside on the trial run, and DAMN! is it loud! If it wasn`t for the next door cop alerting dispatch, we would have had a visit from the authorities.

On Friday nite after the second set, I asked the bandmembers if anyone had loaded the mortar. No one had, so I filled it with a couple capfulls, and thought, "heck, let`s make it a good one," and put in another for good measure. Went to the bar for an intoxicant or five, meanwhile our "stage manager" (just a friend of the band who liked to hang and scam groupies) hadn`t heard my previous inquiry and loaded the tube with another normal dose, and also thought, "what the hell, let`s rock the house," and added another couple capfuls. He goes outside to smoke something, meanwhile our singer just gets back inside the club from a parking lot BJ from some skank, and he decides to load the sucker. He puts in a couple capfuls, and notices there`s just a little left, so he empties the rest into the mortar (keep in mind how dark it is with the stage lights off...).

So now there is OVER *6* TIMES the normal load in the sucker!

Fast forward to the end of the set, we hit the last chord as I was as far away from the mortar, which is planted dead center in front of our drum riser (made of 3/4" plywood, four feet tall to simulate "big band" status), as was possible.

BOOOOOM!

...Tom, our singer is blown off the stage all the way onto the first center table, knocking over drinks and pitchers, landing on top of two overweight leather sluts

...the drumriser (3/4" plywood, mind you) cracks and blows backward, toppling our drummer and his Peart-sized kit and ripping the front bass drum head

...Glasses get knocked off of tables in the back row

...Geno our bassist gets blown sideways into his towering bass rig, the amp head falls on his head

...Decades of filth, dust, dead roaches and other insects are blown off the ceiling and rafters, covering all the tables with disgusting debris, including a couple dead rats

...all woofers on the PA, along with the horn compression drivers are blown out

...I couldn`t hear anything but ringing in my ears for a couple days

...JT the bouncer runs into the room from the front door, sees the debris, and laughs his ass off, saying that "I`ve worked here for four years and that`s the LOUDEST thing I ever heard!"

I have heard that the Smothers Brothers incident with The Who (depicted in The Kids Are Allright) was caused bythe same misunderstanding.

Anyway, we decided to stick with strictly visual pyro from then on.

grimaila

05-24-2002, 12:50 PM

As MrKnobs mentioned, in the early 80's I did pyro (as well as some stage monitor mixing) for a seven piece country band he was doing FOH for. This band also did a number of rock covers that occasionally called for air burst sparkles, concussion pods, and the ever popular smokeless shotgun powder stage flare tube (Ahh... the stuff that a pyromaniac lives for :cool:). One night at the Knights of Columbus hall in Rockdale, TX, I had to leave the show after the first break as I had a nasty touch of the flu. Anyways, the parttime vocalist/3rd guitarist Ronnie Joe (fitting for a county band, eh?) decided he would handle the pyro for the remainer of the show in my absence (Big mistake). Although the ceiling in this place was fairly high (maybe 14 feet from the floor to ceiling tiles), the stage was elevated approximately 4 feet. Normally we would fill the flare tubes with about two ashtrays full (neat measuring tools readily available at all gigs) of BullsEye smokeless shotgun powder and it would shoot flames about 6-7 feet high. Ronnie Joe thought that if two ashtrays were cool, three would be even better, and four would be simply awesome. I really wish I could have seen the scene later that evening as he ignited the pods and a ball of flame shot from the stage to the ceiling and totally nuked the ceiling tiles. Needless to say, that was the last time pyro was allowed in that venue.

MikeG

Six String Stuntman Steve

05-24-2002, 01:17 PM

Originally posted by MrKnobs
I promise I'll tell a more uplifting story next time.

Judging from Candy and Sandy...is that supposed to be some sort of dirty pun??:D

Grimaila...good stuff......Garry...holy shit...that had me rolling off my seat!!

MrKnobs...keep em coming...they sound pretty interesting.

-Nigel

Six String Stuntman Steve

05-24-2002, 02:02 PM

Ok this one isn't really centered around music...it's more on the lines of MrKnobs' Candy and Sandy.

So about 1 and a half years ago our school was to hold its annual "Creative Festival" to mark its bday. So for the opening ceremony we had a to present a big choir song. I can't quite remember which one it was though. I think it was Celine Dion's Because you loved me. So we had to go everyday for practice and Abhishek and I were handling bass and guitar with tommy on the piano. there was a choir of about 25 girls and 20 boys.

Now Abhishek being the ladies man that he (thinks he) is....used to get around spending hours on the phone everyday with almost every girl in school....no age barriers. Now there was this one girl who abhi liked for her "assets" and soon got the idea from his daily discourses at practice and on the phone that she liked him too. Very good. Now seeing that he never did have a girlfriend before that...he was all exited.

We'd go in for practice everyday and he'd make sure he'd position his chair close to her and I'd be not far...it was a pretty small room. So they'd have a great time exchanging smiles and chats and strokes and all that wierd stuff and I'd get on with work....I was 15, still single....didn't bother much either.

Here's where it took a wierd twist.

It turns out she had a massive crush on......ME!! And it was friggin wierd. You see, for a totally inexperienced guy....what was about to happen was pretty "screwy".

So at practices she'd give me looks here and there, try to make eye contact, talk to me before practices, etc. But then she got my number from somewhere and called me up one evening when my folx where out. She had abhi on conference.

So she's like "you should come to my place sometime when my folx are out". I thought, umm ok, we could watch some tv, mebbe grab a bite to eat and that'd be nice. Then abhishek, being the testosterone-laden horny toad that he was (and still is), decided to butt in and say "ok why don't you guys forget all the formalities and just get to the action."

Now you have to remember, at this junction I hadn't even had a first kiss...so I thought...ok, we're gonna have a kiss....umm wow.

No.

She said "Yeah sure, come directly from the creative fest because my folx will be out of town and we'll have THE WHOLE NIGHT together...we can do lotsa stuff."

I dared to venture forth "errr, whaddya mean"
"Don't you know?"
"Err, no"
"Well, we can do it on the sofa or we can use my bed."
"WHAT???"

Then she went on to slowly describe the order in which I should "make my moves", the order in which I should remove her articles of clothing, that I was free to take off my own clothes or she could take them off for me, the way I should work my hand down from her neck to her *ahem* chest down to her belly down to her *ahem* yeah well. Then she said something about giving me an "electric shock" by grabbing little mr. happy then she said I could take it as far as i wanted from there and something about her having to swallow if we didn't have protection.

Take note, abhishek was still on conference...dumbstruck, (probably creamed his pants). And pretty much so was I. Now you see, in my part of the world, at the age of 15, the latter of what I just described is left to the online porn sites.....we read and fantisize but NEVER experience. The girl's gotta like you a hell of a lot to go as far as the "electric shock" and "swallow" at 15.

For the next week I was runnin away and hiding from her. Looking back, it was pretty funny, I was scared shitless!! It might've been quite a trip if I'd gone ahead....but alas, twas not to be.....that kinda stuff ain't my trip anyway.

Oh and if you really do want to know the musical reference in this story...errr....well...she kinda liked me because I played guitar and..errrr...i didn't like her all that much because she wasn't much of a singer.

:D
-Nigel

MrKnobs

05-24-2002, 06:30 PM

Alright, I'm sorry, I know I started it, but this thread is getting too nasty. Time to get back to music. :rolleyes:

This story is part of my Mexican tour adventure, which I may post more of if anyone is interested.

So I'm in Del Rio TX playing guitar for a Freddy Fender / Elvis impersonator, doing a few local shows before the Mexico leg of our tour begins. Our singer (let's call him D, which is actually his name) thinks it would be a good idea to do a quick little showcase at the local high school to promo our show later that night. This guy could sell heaters in hell (he's probably doing that right now) so somehow manages to convince the principal to let us do that in the auditorium. So far, so good.

After our little quick performance, we end up in the parking lot of the high school trying to leave, with a bunch of star-struck kids buzzing around us. D is playing the big man and talking up his alleged rock 'n roll life style, how we have tons of women, drink and smoke too much, and like to trash hotels. He doesn't mention where we're staying, but Del Rio is not a big town and he's given enough clues for the locals to figure out we're at the Holiday Inn.

The show goes great, if you like this cheesy sort of thing. He pretends to suddenly lose his voice, and makes me finish a song. When the audience is amused, he grabs an unlucky introvert out of the audience, puts the Elvis gear on him, pops his shirt open, and makes him sing Blue Suede Shoes. The girls go nuts, and the poor bastid actually thinks they're laughing with him instead of at him. All in all, though, we have a large turnout from the high school and it's a good show.

We escape back to the hotel with a pretty good feeling about the gig.

Unfortunately, our good feeling is short lived as a ton of HS students show up. They want to see how we rock stars are partying, remembering the description D painted on their young impressionable minds. There are now maybe a hundred of them and they are pretty lit up from all the brown bags they're sipping from.

D is the ultimate showman, and he does not like to disappoint. Like it or not, he's on stage again. For his opening act, he ascends to the second level of the hotel, jerks a TV set from one of the rooms, and throws it in the pool! Then, he dives from the balcony after it! The kids go crazy, then help his dripping carcass out of the pool. Anything that's not bolted down immediately follows the TV into the pool. Luckily, it's mostly just pool furniture.

The crowd gathers around him. One big football looking jock is practically worshipping him, his stunning looking girlfriend following suit at his side. D asks him, "Want to know how rock stars can pick up any girl they want?" The dope nods. D picks up his girlfriend under his arm and runs off carrying her. He reaches the corner of the hotel block and decides the joke has gone far enough. Unfortunately, as he turns around to confront the now pissed off jock, the girls head clips the brick wall and gets a nasty gash. :eek:

This is too horrible for the big jock, who's IQ is maybe 40. He's angry to the extreme about his girl's injury, but realizes D didn't mean to do it. Still, he has to punch something. He suddenly turns toward a glass fire extinguisher case and punches the glass out with his bare fist!!! :eek:

Now two people are bleeding. A few people help them, and someone calls 911. Others grab the fire extinguisher, and still others start breaking open the other extinguisher cases. An extinguisher fight ensues. All hell is breaking loose, and the cops will surely arrive shortly with their nightsticks and their mace.

I decide I've seen enough and lock myself in my room, my '73 gold top literally under the sheets with me, a habit I picked up in Mexico. I turn off the light and pray they will not come for me. :mad:

Suddenly, the phone rings. I check for shaving cream (recurring band prank) and answer it without thinking. It's the hotel management. I realize I've slept and it's morning. Shit, why did I pick up the phone! The manager wants to know what's up with the blood by the pool and if anyone was hurt. I tell him the story you just read, more or less, and that the two cut people weren't seriously hurt, just taken to the ER for stitches.

He tells me, and I kid you not, "I'm glad to hear no one was seriously hurt. Don't worry about the property damage, it's been taken care of. Enjoy the rest of your stay at the hotel." :confused:

It's at that moment I begin to suspect who our employer is.

Terry D.

$$$TDJ$$$

lj4ms

05-24-2002, 08:07 PM

:) :) :)

This is too funny!

Smokey

05-24-2002, 08:07 PM

Mr Knobs - That pyro story is funny shit ! :)

dpothecary

05-24-2002, 09:05 PM

Damn. I've just read the whole thread, and it's now 4 in the morning. Still, what have I got?

The time I was in a battle of the bands against a comedy mariachi band?

That was pretty sweet. At least nothing went wrong, we got to play through a 30k rig, and we won £100.

Sadly that's about as far as it goes.

I did go busking one day and people gave me money to shut up...

MrKnobs

05-24-2002, 09:12 PM

Originally posted by dpothecary
I did go busking one day and people gave me money to shut up...

We've all been there, dude! :)

At least they gave you money. I dunno if you know who Lyle Lovett is, but I once saw him playing in a Pizza Hut (before he was famous, obviously) and I told him to shut up!

Guess he had the last laugh on that one. :(

Terry D.

dpothecary

05-24-2002, 09:40 PM

Originally posted by MrKnobs

We've all been there, dude! :)

At least they gave you money. I dunno if you know who Lyle Lovett is, but I once saw him playing in a Pizza Hut (before he was famous, obviously) and I told him to shut up!

Guess he had the last laugh on that one. :(

Terry D.

That's pretty funny.

I was just reading the drunken thread over on OJ, and it reminded me of a story.

it was a saturday about a month ago, and the lead guitarist/singer and I (I do rhythm) in my band are due to be playng an acoustic set n a bar downtown on the monday. His friend is having a party and for a laugh we go round to provide some entertainment.

We arrive, and we aren't playing till much later. So I get stuck into the wine, then the beer, then the vodka, then whatever else I can find, including malt vinegar, or so I'm told :)

As we get drunker, the idea of a scratch band comes out. As if by magic, somebody produces a bass and a drumkit. By this point I'm having difficulty standing, and I'm now trying to teach two guys, who are similarly wasted, how to play our songs.

Anyway, I decide we're ready, and out we go to find the sound reinforcement system: four 10w practice amps. Not so much of a problem, since the yard was only small. The microphone was however attached to a 3' lead, whch meantme and thesinger were bent double when we were singing.

Luckily I can't remember much of it, but I came out of the party having lost a $25 capo, 15 plectrums, and most of my dignity. About the only thing I can remember was using a beer bottle to play some very "wonky" slide. I felt so cool.

Peter Denny

05-24-2002, 09:55 PM

Originally posted by Six String Stuntman Steve

OOOUUUUUCCCCCCHHHHH!!!!! Ow Ow Ow OW!!! Oh I'd HATE to be in his place.
OWWWWW!!!

-Nigel

At the Rock Candy circa 92. Concrete floors, 5' riser on the stage, sprase crowd. Not empty but no where near packed. Then some guy runs up on the stages and dives head first into an empty floor. Me and my friend Scott heard the crack over the band and were just like Holy Shit he did not just do that? Well he left in an ambulance. The moral? Watch the booze. Peter

SomeGuyNamedRob

05-25-2002, 07:43 AM

Originally posted by MrKnobs
I've written several books, thanks, though none about touring. It's way too much work for my lazy bones, though!

Time for another stupid story! :)

More stupid pyro tricks....

[snip of bassist's flaming crotch story]

My wife and I found this hysterical. This the best so far, with the flaming confetti a close second.

chrisgraff

05-25-2002, 11:43 AM

Here's one from a while back:

I was subbing a gig for some touring band whose name I can't remember. We were were doing weekend dates, travelling via bus.

The first weekend felt like a blind date, as I had not met any of the musicians prior to departure, (no rehearsals). They were nice enough, although not necessarily the types i would hang with.

A couple things about tourbuses: 1. you usually travel at night 2. a bus going over 70mph is like a boat on the high seas 3. bus drivers always drive faster than 70mph.

So, I meet everyone, and we depart at midnight. After an hour or two everyone retires to their bunk. As usual, the driver's making like a bat outta hell, so im having a time of it trying to sleep.

Around 4am, i've gotta pee like a racehorse. I hate pissing on a turbulent, moving bus, so I hold it and fall back asleep.

Around 5am, I wake up and I've REALLY GOTTA GO!!. I MEAN RIGHT NOW!! I jump outta my bunk and step into the bathroom.

This particular bus's bathroom was located in the middle (sleeping quarters) section of the bus, instead of the front lounge.
It was very dark in the bathroom; I couldn't find the light switch to save my life! By this point, my eyes had adjusted a bit. There was a little light coming from the moon-light thingy on the ceiling, but not very much. I could just make out the porcelain "bull's-eye."

"I can make it," - i say to myself. I REALLY GOTTA PISS!

So I take my best aim, and - AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I was much relieved, until i felt a splashing on my leg. I "ceased fire", and reached down, to discover that THE TOILET LID WAS DOWN!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there i was - standing in the dark, in piss-soaked pants. It just went everywhere, the floor, the toilet, etc.

Keep in mind: 1. my suitcase was underneath the bus in one of the cargo bays 2. I didn't know any of these people 3. We had 4 more hours til we got there.

Well, I sure as hell wasn't going to tell the driver to pull over cause I pissed myself. I stood in that bathroom, for 3 hours, waiting for my pants to dry (as well as cleaning EVERYTHING i possibly could). At one point a sleepy, barefooted, muscian knocked on the door to use the facilities. I of course obliged him, without letting him in on the "incident".

We eventually got to where we were going. My pants were dry enough that no one seemed to notice. (Except for the fact I was in a hurry to get my suitcase and get up to the hotelroom).

The gig went off without a hitch............and the rest of the band was none the wiser!

MrKnobs

05-26-2002, 11:26 PM

Keep in mind when reading Mike's and my pyro threads that we originally started attempting pyro without any knowledge of pro techniques at all.

For example, all pro pyro uses binary mixes, where the reactant and the oxidizer are kept separate until the flash pot is loaded. Usually, the reactant is some sort of magnesium powder, and the oxidizer is strontium nitrate. These two chemicals are relatively stable and safe until they are mixed.

But we didn't know any of this when we first started. Mike came along a little later so he became a master of pyro without so many embarassing mistakes.

Case in point: I first started by using gunpowder. Now, gunpowder comes in two forms, smokeless and black. Black powder was the original, used in muskets, with the two endearing side effects of totally obscuring the battle with smoke after a dozen shots or so, and its propensity to explode spontaneously as it aged, much like nitro. Not to mention corroding gun barrels. As soon as smokeless powder was invented, black powder was largely abandoned.

Smokeless powder is sold over the counter, no questions asked at any reloading store. It's the current state of the art for ammo, but doesn't make a very good bomb because it has to be tightly contained to explode. If you've ever broken a dud firecracker in half and lit it, only to get sparkle with no pop, you know what I mean. Fortunately, the homicidal idiot who rigged all those rural postboxes recently used smokeless powder.

Black powder, by contrast, is kept in a safe in the back of the gun store, for use only by musket owners. Even then, you will only be allowed to buy a pound, and will be questioned to the third degree. These days, if you look even slightly foreign and are not well-known to the gunshop owner, I imagine you will receive a visit from the FBI instead of a can of black powder. Even a tiny pinch of black powder lit in an ashtray will make a loud "BANG!"
It's really quite dangerous.

When we started, we purchased smokeless powder and knew nothing of black powder nor pro pyro. We were quite unhappy with the sparkly display because we wanted the initial pop. Thinking of wadding in a shotgun shell, we tried stuffing paper towels into the breech of our cannons to create a report (bang).

We got the report all right, but didn't consider that paper towels are flammable.

The first night we tried the paper towel wadding, we were shooting 'em off like the 4th of July. On "Blue Collar Man," we popped some off as the band came in. Suddenly, our drummer started spanking the kick drum in a bizarre spastic manner that made us all look back at him in surprise. One of the paper towels had come down in flames, and draped itself over the kick drum beater. He was trying to stomp it out. Luckily, someone took a picture of this and I still have a copy somewhere.

The next show, we changed to flame-retardent ASBESTOS wadding made by the Estes model rocket company. We discovered that flame-retardant doesn't actually mean it won't catch on fire, only that it will go out shortly after it catches fire.

Shortly after that, we discovered black powder and had no need for wadding anymore. We also discovered the concepts of "overpressure" and "shrapnel," but that's another story.

Terry D.

$$$TDK$$$

Six String Stuntman Steve

05-27-2002, 11:27 AM

Here's something that happened to me this afternoon.

We have our annual school prize days tomorrow and day after, where we give students from each batch awards if they top any subject. It's a big event, one item being a choir song.

We decided to pick "Immortality" from the show Saturday Night Fever because we'd just done this show in school under a month back (and I was lead role!!!!). So myself and some others practiced this song for about a week and today was the first "tech" rehearsal, as they like to call it. Basically the pro sound guys brought their equipment into the auditorium, a few fm mics, new speakers, and two stage monitors.
So there we were, the choir.

I along with three others, had an FM mic and the rest were to sing into commonly placed mics. The senior school, a few teachers, and the administration (principal, a few others, and a b*tch called Brendish) were in the hall. Brendish as usual was bossing us around and creating a hassle for us, and especially for me, by talking absolute crap every 2 seconds. You see, most of the administration have this misconception that they are sound techs.

So we assembled on the front centre stage, some standing on the stairs and some on the stage to have 3 levels. Brendish felt that this looked shabby and pointed out to a point with a monitor right in front and said "Why don't you assemble there, it will look much neater."

I said "Umm, excuse me ma'am"
"Not now Nigel"
"But ma'am"
"Silence"
"But we can't sing there"
"Oh shut up! You always have to cause a hassle, always have to think you're the smart one"
"Sorry ma'am"

We assembled at the point and she told me to stand bang above the monitor.
"Why are you smiling now, Nigel"
"Ma'am we can't sing here"
"Oh be quiet, you always have to make a nuisance. What is so wrong with singing here"

And so I hit the power switch on the mic, faced it right at the monitor at my feet, looked back at her, and flicked the "on/mute" switch to the "on" position.

SSSSQQQQQQQQQUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!! !!

She covered her ears and launched back as if to avoid an air-raid. Everyone in the hall covered their ears and bent for cover. The principal too almost fell over backwards. I'm pretty used to this by now so it doesn't bother me. I stood still, watching the fun.

"Err, ahem, yes, err, maybe it's better if you go back to your original places."

..........

I don't get the logic, they know I know my way around sound, and they know they don't know jack, and yet they try to push their weight. If only they'd listen to what I have to say instead of making me teach them the hard way every time.

Oh what the hell, the look on her face was priceless :D

Come to think of it, I think they'll be broadcasting the ceremony live on our website on Wednesday at around 14:00 GMT. Wait for the song, I'm the main singer.
http://www.modernhighschool.com

-Nigel

DPower

05-27-2002, 11:29 AM

I don't know how many of you are familiar with techno shows, but most of the small independent shows that I've been to have pretty awful sound (here in T.O. anyway). This is a result of DJ culture gone mad, where DJ's actually begin to think that they are god's gift to music and sound, and start throwing parties, usualy doing the sound themselves (happy face EQ anyone?).

Last year, some DJ friends of mine were throwing a party, and knowing the space (an art gallery) to be used was notoriously bad sounding (imagine a massive reverb chamber), my friend (Greg) asked me to provide FOH. This was going to be a big show (8 live acts plus DJ's), so I wanted to make a good impression both on the promoters and the artists. I went to space a week before hand and measured the physical space, and the RT60 (over 6 seconds). After careful calculations, I knew roughly what room modes were going to be a real problem, and how much absorption we'd need to tighten the reverb to under 2 seconds. Greg proceeded to purchase 90 square meters of heavy material. The day of the party, I arrived at 9AM to help with the space setup. The heavy material was hung around two sides of the room about 6 feet from the wall (bass trapping and mid/high absorption!), and then painted black. The remaining walls (which were white) were covered in black plastic (Toronto techno people like it dark). After setting up the mains E.Q. with my calculated modes taken care of, and a little tweaking, we had the room sounding tight, with an RT60 at about 1.8 seconds. Let me tell you, I was damned impressed and proud of myself, and so were the promoters and acts (who were just coming in for set-up and soundcheck). We finally finished up around 9:30 (doors open at ten) and had a quick meal before cranking up the system. The first two acts were smooth as butter, and the crowd was absolutely hyped (which is pretty unsual for a Toronto techno crowd). Suddenly, I see the absorbtive material coming down across the room. Leaving the FOH to a trusted fellow engineer and live act for the night, I worked my way through the crowd to see what was going on, thinkinig the crowd was getting rowdy and pulling down the material for more dance space. By the time I reached the other side of the room, half the material was down, and the sound was noticibly changing. Looking around, I see what was happening. Now, I have to interject and mention that Greg (one of the promoters) is usually a calm, very friendly guy, which makes what I see next all the more unbelievable. I see Greg wielding an x-acto knife with this crazed look in his eyes, and he's busy hacking at the rope ties holding up the material. After he hacked down some more material, I see him charge the wall, scattering frightened partiers, and begin tearing off the black plastic revealing the white walls beneath. After my shock subsided, I approached Greg to find out what was happening. In a frenzy, between pulling sheets of plastic off the walls, I managed to get "cops", "fire hazard", "shut down", and "five minutes" out of him. Understanding the gist, I begin helping him undo the almost 12 hours of work we put into making the space into something that sounded decent. All in all, it was over in about 10 minutes, and we were back to the crappy sounding boomy reverberant room we had started with. The show went pretty well after that. I had to adjust FOH e.q. again, but there wasn't much I could do about the swamp of reverb. Most people who were there that I spoke to felt that the party had had the best sound that a techno party in Toronto had ever had, and certainly the best sound this particular space had ever had. Unfortunately, it was only for a few hours. I always have to chuckle though when I think back to the crazed look on Greg's face as he frantically hacked down hours of work with an x-acto knife, sending partiers fleeing, and turning this very dark space into a bright white one all in a matter of minutes...

Six String Stuntman Steve

05-27-2002, 01:02 PM

This isn't directly music related, nor is it stupid. But it's kinda funny, read on and see for yourself.

As is mentioned in an earlier post, students in our school are divided into four groups called "houses". About a week or two ago I was told that the inter-house elocution for senior school boys was to be held. Myself and a buddy called Jeevan were selected to represent our house for the second division (grades 11 and 12 combined). "Jeeves" and I've been buddies for over 8 years. The two of us were not exactly keen, seeing that exams were just around the corner. The rules said that the piece could be either a poem or prose, no real restrictions on the pieces. Now neither of us could be bothered with sitting and learning 4 minutes worth of passage so it was my bright idea to take song lyrics and say they were poems!

Now to find a song that gets me over 3 and a half minutes of elocution is a bit of a challenge. You'd be surprised how lyrics of three minute songs fit into 30 seconds. I looked through my RUSH and Dream Theater, looking for something insightful, philosophical, etc. I finally chose a 20 minute epic called "A Change of Seasons" by DT, said the lyricist...errr...I mean the poet was Michael Stephen Portnoy (Mike Pornoy-drums)to make it sound all poet like, and sent it in for approval.

Jeeves did something really amazing. He picked up a rap piece by Ice Cube called "My Dead Homies". After a lot of editing, we sent his piece in under the alais of "Up Early Morning" by Oshea Jackson (Ice Cube's real name).

Yesterday was the elocution. Jeeves went nuts (as he often does), went up and delivered his piece with a perfect "street homie" accent, interjected with "DAMN!"s and "SHEEAAT"s, and ended it with a shocking raising of the right hand fist and shouting "Power To The Black People". And he's Indian!!

I went up last of all, delivered my piece and sat back down, expecting the principal (who was one of the judges) to expel good ol' Jeevan.

Here are the results.
I won second place for individual elocutor of my division, (the first place is always set for the principal's fav, the headboy). So as it stands I'm the second best male elocutor in school.

Our house came first overall.

And after that people from all over were coming to me shocked saying "WOW! Micheal Stephen Portnoy, I've never heard of him, wow his piece was excellent, wow, that was so deep, touching, etc."

Hell, who's complainin? :D Next time I have to elocute I'll probably do "Scarred" by Johnathan Petrucci :D :D :D :eek:

Six String Stuntman Steve

05-28-2002, 03:21 AM

In the early summer of 2000, i joined a band, much to my disgust. We were called "Future Shock" and it consisted of me, two brothers, a friend of theirs on guitar and vox and a female singer friend of ours. Now the thing is, I really wasn't that keen because of my musical preferences. What was more was that these two brothers were REALLY AWFUL musicians. Their father had long been a friend of my dad, they'd been in bands together for many years. Their father encouraged their music every step of the way. Bought them expensive equipment practically before they could play, got them contacts, shows, the works. The elder brother was Mitch (bassist), an average beginner musician who was an ok guy. The younger was (and still is) a jackass with an attitude problem who took advantage of the midi equipped keyboard his pop bought him. You see, they refused to have drummer. They'd rather download midis to fill in, and so he decided what the hec, there's no point learning the keys parts, he could just mime. At the time this was highly against my musical ethics. But what the hec, i needed some temporary action before I got down to studyin for my board exams.

We were to have only one show while I was in the band, a party organized by the senior students of their school. Basically a chance for a few bands to go up, play a bunch of bullshit nu-metal and shout a lot of profanities. I figured we should atleast do some Ozzy Osbourne or Metallica to keep up with the others, but no, we were to do a totally pop oriented show. Again against my musical ethics at the time.

Now you see, it was around this time that I had gotten into Kirk Hammet's style of semi shredding and I had developed compulsive shredding disorder. No matter which song, there had to be a triplet run, or a tap, or a speed pick or anything. At practices everyone would stop playing and stare at me with their jaws dropped thinking "shit!! how'd he do that??" Take note, we're talking "nu-metal is the best guitar work i've heard" people here.

About three days before the show, disaster struck. There had been slight internal bleeding in my right ear for a while and finally I was admitted to the emergency room one night with some wierd ear infection. As a consequence of shoving some absorbtion thingy in my ear, I was to be deaf in that ear for the next week.

Damn! At practice, my little 2 watt amp was on my right hand side and at the show, my bloomin monitor was also on the right hand side, I couldn't hear jack!! Now I'd discovered that if i touched my jaw to the body of my guitar, the notes would sound in my head so that's what I planned to do, bend my head over the whole time and try to hear what I was playing.

I looked pretty stupid like that, and the audience looked at me real funny because I was standing there, waiting to start, with my jaw on the body. We kicked of with Lenny Kravitz "Are you gonna go my way". Solo: speeeeeedddd pick. Other songs in that short set were Spin Doctors' "Two princes" shred shred shre, Blur "Song 2" tap tap tap, No Doubt "Just a Girl" whammy whammy whammy.

It was quite funny, people didn't know what to think. Oh and to add to the fun, Brenton was violently sliding his hand up and down across the keyboard (even during the slow piano bits).

Funny enough, I got a lot of mixed reactions after the show. A bunch nu-metalists came up to me to ask about the jaw. Sadly I couldn't hear most of 'em. :D

Oh and I grew out of the compulsive shredding disorder. I'm doing it myself, without therapy and I'm almost free of the problem although I do have relapses now and then. :D

-Nigel

IsildursBane

05-28-2002, 07:53 AM

>So I take my best aim, and - AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Dude, it may sound girly, but there are times when it's ok to sit. Moving vehicles definitely qualify. :-)

>I don't get the logic, they know I know my way around sound,
>and they know they don't know jack, and yet they try to push
>their weight. If only they'd listen to what I have to say instead of
>making me teach them the hard way every time.

Yeah, that might be the less frustrating way to do things, but what fun would that be. This way you get the satisfaction of making them look like idiots. :-)

-Dan.

grimaila

05-29-2002, 12:04 AM

Before my days as a pyro / monitor mix guy for the country band (TUB) I mentioned in my last post, I was running FOH for my friend Rob's (lead guitarist) band "Prisoner". Prisoner was a cover band and did a great job on the popular rock of the day (around 1983).

Anyways, we got hired to do a college party at an apartment complex in this college town after final exams were over. Payment was free beer and whatever was collected by the hostess who I will call "J" (a very sexy woman in her late 20's who also happened to be the apartment manager). We set up in the early evening and the gig started at 9pm. Rob had accumulate quite a bit of PA and he wanted to use it all for the show. Of particular interest were these "Earthquake" cabinets that he purchased from someone (maybe Mr.Knobs?) who got them from a movie theather. Of course, they were used in the late 70's for the movie "Earthquake" to produce the rumbling in the theather. Anyways, I hated these !#*?%$ cabinets because they were HUGE and HEAVY. However, when the were at the bottom of the PA stack they looked (and sounded) pretty impressive. I can't for the life om me remember what the rest of the PA was, but I think it was a triamped system with the eartquake cabinets, 2-15's, 4-12's, and 2 horns on each side all powered by (4) CS-800's and (2) CS-400's.

Since all of the people in the complex were students, they were all at the party enjoying themselves and we did not have to worry about someone in the complex calling the cops. There were probably 80 people there at the beginning of the first set. I started with the PA at a moderate level as not to disturb the neighboring apartment complex about 1/2 mile across a field. The first set went off without a hitch and we started playing a CD during the break. A few minutes into the break a police officer comes to the board and asks me who is "in charge". I directed the cop to "J" and he told her that they received a complaint and "to try to keep it down" and then he left.
After the break, the second set started and everyone was "feeling" no pain and the crowd grew to about 150 people. To compensate for the extra bodies, I increased the volume a bit. "J" came over and asked me to turn it up more. Who was I to argue... I cranked it up a bit more. Thirty minutes into the set the cops come again... This time there are two of them. Once again they talk to "J" and they tell her that this is her final warning. She comes over to me and asks me to turn it down. No problem I say. As soon as the cops leave, she tells me to crank it back up and I comply. I fully expected the police to come back in short order, but they do not. Finally, we reach the end of the second set and I once again start a CD for the break. Amazing...no cops. Rob comes over and I bring him up to speed on what's happening and say's do what ever "J" wants.

The break ends and the third set starts with "Crazy Train" (got to get that digital delay just right for this one). By now we have about 200+ people dancing, drinking, and throughly enjoying themselves.... especially "J" who comes over and tells me to crank it up more. Who am I to object? I can feel the bass and kick drum penetrate my whole body and I notice the DDT clipping lights blinking on the subs amp. No doubt about it... the cops will return. I am paranoid and keep looking around. Believe it or not, it took about thirty minutes for them to arrive (it must have been a busy night). This time (the same two cops) came to me and told me to cut the volume down immediately which I do... (Heck I thought they were going to shut us down!) "J" comes over and starts to apologize and the cops respond by writing her a $200 disturbing the peace ticket (there goes our payment for the evening I think to myself). They say in no uncertain term that they will write her another ticket AND arrest her if they have to come back. Meanwhile, there are about 200 drunk, pissed college students watching this closely. "J" promises that the PA will remain at a low volume and that band will quit in about a half hour. The cops decide to let the band continue (I assume so that wouldn't have to call out the riot squad) and they leave.

Now I had no intention of increasing the volume, but about 10 minutes after the cops left, "J" came over and cranked up the mains herself, even higher than before. Man, I was shaking in my shoes as I am sure "J" is going to be arrested. All of the amps clipping lights are blinking. The band plays for another 20 minutes as I look around for the cops. The crowd was even larger now, so I did not see the cops as they came up behind me. They told me to shut down the PA NOW. Rob see the scene unfolding before him and quickly ends the song and gives a "goodnight". I kill the PA (man my ears were ringing and I was a good 30 yards away from the stage). "J" is nowhere to be seen (big suprise, huh?) The cops are trying to decide if they are going to arrest me... or write me a ticket... or both. I am trying to talk my way out of this mess and "J" is nowhere to be seen. If there had not been a major automobile accident a block away at that instant, I am sure someone (me) would have gotten in serious trouble.

I started thanking God for saving my ass as we started packing up the equipment and loading the equipment in the PA trailer as the party continued. BTW, I hate packing up equipment after a gig! However, do don't want to leave you PA stuff out when you have large number of intoxicated people stumbling around....

Mike

Six String Stuntman Steve

05-29-2002, 01:24 AM

Originally posted by grimaila
stage). "J" is nowhere to be seen (big suprise, huh?)

LOL!! Reminds me of my music teacher tommy. Tells us to do this that and the other, and whn shit hits the fan "No, I told the boys NOT to do that, but they decided not to listen to me." Bastard.

-Nigel

Six String Stuntman Steve

05-29-2002, 05:33 AM

Originally posted by Ranger Karlos on the Vets Forum:

We had just started the first chorus of "Uno Mas Cervesa", a song of deperation taken from The Texas Tornadoes.

Two young women approach the band (just the two of us) and stand 3 feet away doing the finger-across-the-throat "stop playing" motion. :confused: We tried to ignore them, but they would not be denied.

We stop mid-song.

They approach us and hem and haw...THEY WANT TO MAKE A REQUEST, BUT HAVE NOTHING IN MIND!

I'm perturbed so I announce to the bar, "These young ladies have stopped the song in order to make a request. Perhaps they'd like to share with everyone" and I shove my mic in ones' face. She gets embarrassed but hangs in there.

"Uh, do you know any, like, uh, Lynyrd Skynyrd"?

Good thing I'm non-violent. "You mean, like, Freebird? I got a free bird". Being influenced by this forum, I slowly raise my middle finger and say "This ones' free, the next one will cost you". All of this over the P.A. My partners' jaw is scuffing his shoes.

Then I launch back into "Uno Mas Cervesa".

All night I keep thinking of Phil Hartman on SNL doing Sinatra. "Contempt for your audience, that's what ruined Dennis Day":D.

I gotta watch it.

Karlos

bowisc

05-29-2002, 08:29 AM

I was doing a live sound gig for a popular latin percussion player (now deceased).

After the gig, I was hold a pair of speaker ends (1/4") in my hands at the foot of the stage. It was a bit rainy. I told a tech to turn to amps and power off (including the generators). He didn't.

I went to jump up on the stage and with one of the cables, made contact a metal bar running across the stage.

Sparks were flying! Electricity was running through me. A friend managed to push me away. I was jolted.

This was funny afterwards!!

Bowisc

tankgod

05-29-2002, 08:54 AM

Here's a Homer Simpson I pulled 2 days ago.

I just bought a Korg D1600, an SM57 and an AT3034 mic to use for home recording. I have been playing for 30+ yrs but finally made the move to record my originals. I am new to all the "engineer" stuff, and am at times, overwhelmed by all the knobs and buttons.

With that said, I decided to record my 1st tune on my new equipment. I have a quiet little song called "A Simple Song" that is just acoustic and 2 tracks of vocals. I recorded it sunday morning in about 2 hours but was not at all happy with the vocal sound I was getting from my AT3035. It sounded like I was in a tunnel. I couldn't understand why it sounded so nice on my voice in the store but not in my bedroom.

After HOURS of trying to eq, and add compression I got the vocal a little more out front. I brought my wife in to hear my first try. After listening she said "The guitar sounds nice but the vocals sound really weird". Well I thought, I'll just have to explain pro recording to my obviously clueless wife. As we were talking technical stuff she kept looking at the AT mic. I asked her if she liked my new mic. She said it didnt much matter to her, but why did they put the microphone name on the back of the mic?

It was then that I realized I had done both vocal tracks singing into the wrong side of the mic and most of the sounds on the tracks were what had bounced off the wall behind the mic.

DOOOHHHHHH:o

grimaila

05-30-2002, 10:15 AM

bump...

MadFishmonger

05-30-2002, 09:52 PM

Originally posted by tankgod
Here's a Homer Simpson I pulled 2 days ago.

-snip-

It was then that I realized I had done both vocal tracks singing into the wrong side of the mic and most of the sounds on the tracks were what had bounced off the wall behind the mic.

DOOOHHHHHH:o

A buddy of mine was doing one of his first big mixes as a second engineer at a prominent studio...

anyway, have you ever noticed that when you put the windscreen on a 414 you can't really tell which way is front?

The head engineer was fighting the gain, eq'ing his ass off, and swearing up and down until my poor friend had to meekly explain what he had done... :rolleyes:

-><-

flanc

05-31-2002, 05:39 AM

I did the same thing in my home project studio a couple of weeks ago. I was working with a local singer/songwriter and we were just wanting to lay a scratch vocal. We had used an AKGC3000 for her before and she was really happy with the way it sounded. As we proceeded, she sounded like she was in a tunnel...just awful. I went to check the pickup and the pad switches on the back of the mic and found they were in the front!!! Homer Simpson strikes again....I had the damn thing facing backwards. I took the mic out of the mount, reconnected the mic cable, fiddled with the pad and pickup switches and put it back in. Everything was fine and the singer didn't notice I had flipped it around. The old "slight of hand" trick allowed me to keep my dignity at least till the next stupid gaff I couldn't cover so cleanly!!

Frank

agedhorse

05-31-2002, 08:33 AM

Been there - done that! Easy to do when lots of things are distracting. Especially on mics that are brought in by "guest" engineers that are unfamiliar.

MrKnobs

05-31-2002, 02:00 PM

This one's a little more somber, but it's important to paint the entire spectrum of the music biz.

This happened in the early 80's, when I was playing in a country cover band. Our gig was in a little backwoods road house near Plantersville TX called Henry's Hideout. The crowd was generally about half bikers and half shit kickers, an explosive mix even before the liquor started flowing. Let's just say that when one of the gentlemen from the audience wanted to step up and sing a tune with us, we let 'em.

On this particular night, things had gone pretty well. We'd played to a packed house, and nothing more serious than one or two friendly knife fights had marred the evening. All we had for PA was a pair of Sunn vocal columns and a powered mixer, which all fit into the back of my 61 Plymouth Belvedere.

Most everyone had left except for a few passed out dudes and the occasional puker in the parking lot. I was out in the lot with the pukers stuffing the two wedge shaped speaks into my back seat and preparing to leave. As I fired up the old 318 Chrysler, my girlfriend and I saw a couple of guys walking across the lot toward us carrying tire tools; they were drunk. They seemed to have some friends with them, sitting in a beat up '65 Mustang. I had no idea what they wanted, but I knew it wasn't good. I waited until they were as far from their car as possible, but not too close to us and I lit up my tires getting out of there.

At first, it was sort of comical seeing those guys scampering around and dwindling in the rear view. From the look of their nasty ride, I figured my recently rebuilt Chrysler would quickly put some distance between us and them. Just to be sure, I kept the speedo at 90 down the deserted winding, wet, two lane asphalt road between Henry's and Plantersville.

Before too long, I saw their headlights in the distance behind me. I pushed it up to 100 and the plan was to make it to Plantersville and civilization (of a sort) before they could close the gap.

It was not to be. The old Mustang had more cojones than I had thought and my big heavy ride was having trouble with the slick curves. The Mustang caught up to us, tailgated for a moment, then shot past. I barely had time to think, "What the hell?" as they cut in front of me and slammed on their brakes. We were going about 105 at that moment; I touched my brakes and the world spun around us. The Mustang vanished immediately as if we were now standing still.

Now, I'm sure some of you have been in a car accident and you know that everything becomes slow motion. Strangely, there is also no sound, even when you know there should be sound. As we slid sideways down the slick road, various crap flying around inside the car, tires screaming silently, I kept waiting for what seemed an eternity for the car to roll. You don't just turn sideways at 100 mph.

Somehow, maybe because of the rain or lack of tread, the tires never bit in and we didn't roll over. After a moment, I regained some control of the car and almost managed to steer, still skidding, around a sharp corner in the road. Almost. We ended up stuck in the enbankment with the passenger side up to the door handle in the soft red piney woods mud, surprised to be alive and unhurt.

Our adventure was just beginning.

We got out of the car and surveyed the damage to the car and ourselves. The car was mostly undamaged, just stuck, as were we.

Suddenly, I noticed the Mustang stopped about a 1/2 mile up the road. The same two guys were walking right down the middle of the road toward us, and one of them was clearly holding a pistol, the other with the familiar tire tool.

I'm no stranger to weapons. I spent 11 years in military schools, much of that time at the firing range as a competitive shooter; I'm an excellent shot. Playing backwoods dives as we so often did, I'd long since taken to carrying a rifle in my car, just in case.

I was terrified, for myself and my girlfriend. I briefly considered running for the woods but it was nearly too late, and she wasn't much of a runner. The two guys were walking with the full moon at their back, right down the middle of the road, with no cover at all, totally careless, with just the one pistol I could see.

I took a deep breath and decided to kill them both.

I reached for my rifle and it wasn't there. I had left it out in my closet after a shooting session so I'd see it and be sure to clean it. I'd carried that thing to gig after gig and never needed it. Now I was going to die because I didn't have it.

In a way, I think I did die at that moment. I don't know how to describe this to someone who hasn't been through it, but I just sort of gave up and waited to see what would happen. I couldn't protect my girlfriend or myself, I was helpless.

It's a good thing I didn't have that rifle, because not only did the two inebriated gentlemen join us, but a van drove up with some more of their friends, a deer rifle prominently protruding from the window. All told, there were half a dozen of them. The pistol guy stuck his little weapon directly in my face and started explaining just how painstakingly he was going to kill me.

Now, I gotta tell you, it's true what they say. When someone sticks a gun in your face, no matter what the caliber, the barrel looks as big as a cannon. Meanwhile, another, more personal aperture tightens down to the point where it's impossible to relieve the pressure that's building up in your gut. It's pretty damn scary.

Somehow, as I was preparing to die, I started to notice the details of what he was saying. Apparently, someone had assaulted his girlfriend at the show (not all that unusual at Henry's) and he was thinking that someone was me. This was something I could work with, finally.

I pointed to my white-as-a-sheet girlfriend and showed him I'd brought my own girl. I pointed to the musical gear and explained it'd be difficult to molest his girlfriend while I was on stage playing. Slowly, the dim bulb that was his mind started to light up, and his finger relaxed a bit on the trigger. He wasn't quite convinced just yet, though.

He asked me what my bandleader's name was. I told him. He said, "Well, if you didn't do it, why'd you run back at the parking lot?" I explained that was my usual reaction when approached by drunk guys with tire tools. He started to look confused, but he didn't lower the gun. Nor did the guy with the rifle in the van.

Suddenly, a disheveled girl was produced. She took a look at me and uttered the most beautiful words in the English language: "He's not the guy." I was off the hook. I almost fainted from relief.

Then a strange thing happened. All the inbread backwoods idiots got into an argument among themselves, something to do with chasing the wrong guy while the guilty guys got away. The van left. The Mustang left, leaving the two original guys standing with us, yelling at them as they disappeared down the road.

Neither guy was paying any attention to us at this point, their backs were turned. Pistol guy had stuffed his namesake device through his belt behind him. I was standing not a foot behind him.

I had run completely dry on being scared; now, I was really, really mad. I had a TERRIBLE urge to snatch the pistol from his belt, shove it in his ugly gap-toothed face and make him beg for his life. But, I remembered the deer rifle in the van, and considered that probably everyone in this county was related to one another, including the Sheriff. So, I let it go, I just let it go. I still question that decision to this day.

Anyway, they offered to give us a ride which we of course declined. They seemed miffed that we refused their generosity. They left, and within about an hour, a truck driver stopped and pulled us out of the ditch.

It was only then I noticed the bullet holes in my back bumper and trunk lid.

One of those nights that could have been a lot worse.

Terry D.

$$$TDL$$$

tarantinos

06-01-2002, 01:12 AM

Originally posted by MrKnobs
This one's a little more somber, but it's important to paint the entire spectrum of the music biz.

Hmm, not sure it qualifies as a funny story though, but yeah all us upcomers need to know what we´re definatly going to find us self in right?

Six String Stuntman Steve

06-01-2002, 05:10 AM

Originally posted by MrKnobs
It was only then I noticed the bullet holes in my back bumper and trunk lid.

One of those nights that could have been a lot worse.

God save us all from such a day.

MrKnobs

06-01-2002, 09:32 PM

Dang, my show got canceled, I'm sitting at home on a Sat. night instead of being out making money. That sucks!

Time for another stupid story. I'm getting the idea that you guys are horrified by the sex and violence content, so rest assured that this one contains neither. You may find parts of it amusing, however. :)

Another episode from my Mexico tour. As you may recall, I was playing guitar and singing backups for an Elvis / Freddy Fender impersonator in south Texas and northern Mexico. It was a pretty sweet gig for the time, $150/day and all expenses paid, including grub, hotel, travel, and booze. In the 80's, that was a lot of money and it seemed too good to be true. :cool:

It was too good to be true. Turned out the guy we were working for was having a thing with the wife of a Mexican drug lord; she's where all the money was coming from. Now, as I understand it, her husband knew all about this. Apparently, these folks have some arranged marriages to keep everyone working together and all the money in the family, so to speak. It was expected that she and her husband would have their little dalliances on the side, but divorce and other types of disloyalty were out of the question.

Let's call her "B" and our singer "D", and leave it at that, so I don't get killed. B was a young, slender Hispanic woman, stunningly beautiful with a passionate disposition, as we were to see later.

At one point in the tour, we sidemen were lounging around the hotel pool in a little border town, drinking "free" hotel booze (have you any idea what hotels charge for a bottle of Jack Daniels?) and choking down as much "free" hotel food as possible. Someone was sober for long enough to notice that we hadn't seen our fearless leader / singer in a few days, and didn't know when and where the next show would be. This was troubling to me as we'd run up a HUGE bill and I was afraid D might have skipped out and we'd be stuck with it.

The next time I visited my room to shower off the pool chlorine the phone rang and I picked it up (checking first for shaving cream, of course). It was one of our "hosts." He told me to look out my window, and pointed out a couple of non-descript guys we'd hardly noticed hanging out by the pool. They waved at me. The guy on the phone informed me that "they" had our singer and were deciding what to do with him. The guys by the pool were there to keep an eye out and "take care" of us.

Apparently D had somehow crossed the bounds of what was allowed. Our "host" informed me that it might be a few days before a decision was made. In the event that we didn't see D again, we were to check out, go home, and forget about all of this. In any event, no harm would come to us and everything would be paid for. To show their goodwill, the guy asked me if everything was cool with us and if we were having a good time. He even offered to send some girls over to hang out with us.

Now I was younger then, and quite the risk taker. I thanked the mysterious caller for his graciousness, but pointed out that the band was going stir crazy at the hotel for so long. (We actually had one guy who stopped talking entirely, would just glare at us and occasionally spit his Jack Daniels on one of the cheap hotel hanging pictures - road crazy) Anyway, we were bored and was there some way for us to get out of the hotel for a day?

The caller said sure, no problem, he'd send a car by for us to use.

What a car it was. Fifteen minutes after the call, a brand new Firebird convertible arrived, complete with spectacular firebird painted on the hood, and a young Hispanic boy driving it expertly. The driver tossed me the keys and was immediately picked up by a second car.

We'd seen this car before. A couple of days before, B had driven up to the hotel in it, pursed by a local cop with lights flashing. We'd all climbed out of the pool chairs to watch the drama unfold. The cop walked up to her and asked to see her drivers' license and registration, said she was speeding. She replied, "I don't need a driver's license, my name is B. ....."

The cop closed up his ticket book, apologized for bothering her, told her to have a nice day, and drove away. :eek:

You could have knocked us all over with a feather! This was serious power, and would be our serious undoing later.

So anyway, now we have the Firebird to ourselves. Besides being a total cop magnet, it was a major muscle car as well, so of course we were excited about driving it. In fact, Alex (drummer) and I decided to drive it into Mexico. :D

Big mistake!

We had a GREAT time in Ciudad Acuna. Partied out in "BoysTown" which hopefully needs no explanation, and drank entirely too much. So much that Alex was completely passed out as I attempted to cross the border back into the "Estados Unidos" as we had started to call it.

Now, if you've ever been to Mexico, you know that getting into Mexico is no big deal. Just a formality, really. Getting back into the US is usually a formality as well.

Not this time.

It started out the usual way. The US border cop asked if we'd brought anything back from Mexico. I told him I sure hoped not, and that if we had, that antibiotics could cure it. I wonder how many times he's heard that? Then he asked the usual questions about where we were from, where we were born, etc. I kept answering for Alex because Alex was passed out, as I might have mentioned. The cop asked if Alex couldn't talk for himself, and I told him, "Not right now he can't."

Things went south from there, until finally the cop asked to see the registration for the vehicle. I wasn't all that drunk, but for some unfathomable reason I said, "This isn't actually our car. It belongs to B.... I don't think we need proof of registration, do we?" And smiled at him. :D

What the hell was I thinking?! I immediately and unpleasantly learned the difference between the local city cops and the U.S. customs agents! :eek:

They yanked us out of the car, stripped searched us, called in our IDs, and made is wait in a refrigerated concrete room clad only in our whitey-tighties while they disassembled the Firebird down to the frame! Poor Alex, he was so drunk he hardly knew what was happening to him, he just knew it was really bad. He might actually be the lucky one as he doesn't remember much about the ordeal.

The hour or so we waited seemed like eternity. I had plenty of time to consider how incredibly stupid I'd been. I even reflected that the entire purpose of our tour may have been to get some dumbasses like us to drive that car in and out of Mexico, loaded up with God knows what. I thought I'd live out my last few days in a federal prison while awaiting a big guy with a "shiv" who would cut me for losing the "stuff." :(

After I had no bullets left to sweat, the customs guys reassembled the car (more or less) and gave us back our clothes. There was nothing illegal in the car, to our great relief. With a stern admonition to "find some better friends," they let us go.

We drove back into Texas, stopping just across the border to kiss the dirt and thank our lucky stars for that close call. Alex pulled out a joint from somewhere and sparked it up. He never would tell me where he'd hidden that during the search, but it didn't smell too bad so I shared it with him.

We got back to the hotel just in time to find out the tour was back on, D had reappeared, and that a helicopter was waiting to take us into Mexico.

But that's another story. ;)

Terry D.

$$$TDM$$$

steelyD

06-01-2002, 10:44 PM

Terry,
Ya know, you had me believing all of your stories until you said that you owned a '61 Plymouth. I can't believe anyone actually admitting owning one of those hallucinogen-induced nightmares.:p

Peace, and keep writing,
D

MrKnobs

06-01-2002, 11:01 PM

Originally posted by steelyD
Terry,
Ya know, you had me believing all of your stories until you said that you owned a '61 Plymouth. I can't believe anyone actually admitting owning one of those hallucinogen-induced nightmares.:p

Peace, and keep writing,
D

Thanks for the feedback! Glad someone is listening.

As for the 61 Plymouth Belvedere, that was the car my dad bought for me, right before I got the job at the strip club and he kicked me out of the house permanently. I had just gotten the holes Bondo'd (and the spare replaced) when one of the two sisters I was living with wrecked it for me.

I miss those girls! :sigh:

But that's another story! ;)

Terry D.

MrKnobs

06-02-2002, 12:07 AM

Originally posted by grimaila
I really wish I could have seen the scene later that evening as he ignited the pods and a ball of flame shot from the stage to the ceiling and totally nuked the ceiling tiles. Needless to say, that was the last time pyro was allowed in that venue.

MikeG

Hey Mike -

Yeah, it was pretty funny. But then again, every TUB gig was pretty damn funny in some way or another. I still remember when Scott walked out on a show and they called him on the cell to tell him to come back so they could beat the crap out of him. And he came back!

Itching to tell some "Barnell" stories too, but I keep hoping he'll show up on HC and tell them himself.

Back to the ceiling tile. The funniest part for me (other than the fact it looked like the gates of Hell had opened when that huge load went up) was watching them try to put it out. How dumb do you have to be to stand right under a burning ceiling tile and poke up at it with a broom handle?

I got so ridiculous with those flash pots that I finally had someone weld up a set of 10 on a plate. I put electronics in the case so that each time I fired a pot, the next would be selected. That way, all the loading was done before the show. I did this because my light controller was homemade (as you well know) and I only had two control lines (stage right and stage left) for flash pots, but in the process I made what might have been the world's first "gatling gun" version of repeating stage pots.

I really liked your airbursts. It was neat standing under a magnesium explosion and only catching a few grains of "sand" in the process.

I still have all that pyro gear. I should save myself some money and shoot it off this July 4th.

Terry D.

tarantinos

06-02-2002, 04:22 AM

Originally posted by MrKnobs
Dang, my show got canceled, I'm sitting at home on a Sat. night instead of being out making money. That sucks!

Time for another stupid story...

RAOTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Six String Stuntman Steve

06-04-2002, 04:24 AM

When the weather in sunny Dubai hints of winter (that means 20C) the Modern High School comes around to the annual sports day. For some people this is the highlight of the year, the javelin, the short putt, the races, etc. For others, it's a bl**dy pain in the @$$, the marching parade.

You see, for weeks in advance they make us stand out on the windy field first thing in the morning in our sports shorts. We have our assembly there and the practice marching. I took the easy way out, I took charge of the march past band for about 4 years.

We had a lot of fun with those marchers. For the first 2 weeks the band just stands in the centre of the field while everyone else marches around us. This one time, I remember we decided to start speeding up the beat to give the marchers a hard time. So there we were going trum trum tra-trum faster and faster and faster. All the students were trying so hard to keep pace with us, it was hilarious. Some were tumbling, some were half running, and all this time the teachers were running around them shouting "What's wrong with you kids, can't you march to the beat?"

The leader of the band is the security guard in our school, a gem of a chap by the name of Gurung. He supervises the band and plays the bagpipes.

One day when we were speeding up mid beat, he was playing his pipes and suddenly stopped, started coughing like mad, and nearly fell over. When he did regain balance he started blasting us real bad. Now this guy actually served in the army and even has a knife scar on his face. He's not big, but when he gets mad, people get running! Turns out the poor guy couldn't breathe mid note because we were playing too fast!

Another time, I saved the whole school from a cold morning exercise. At assemble, they would always set up the mixer, a mic for the principal's morning announcements/prayer and a couple of outdoor speakers. Same Tom and Jerry we're talking about here. As I was entering school grounds that morning, I happened to pass the mixer, so I turned the mains output level (before the faders) down completely. There we were, standing in our lines. The principal goes up to speak, nothing. A few people hussle around the mixer, Tom, Jerry, even Tommy. Nothing can be done so they just shouted out "technical fault" and sent us to class!

-Nigel

vanlatte

06-04-2002, 02:17 PM

Originally posted by MrKnobs
Dang, I wish I could figure out how to post a poll. Dying to know what subjects in this thread are interesting to the masses.

Terry D.

Well personally, just about ANYTHING you write is interesting to this segement of the masses :D

Keep 'em comin'!

bassknave

06-04-2002, 04:30 PM

Originally posted by Six String Stuntman Steve

...The leader of the band is the security guard in our school, a gem of a chap by the name of Gurung. He supervises the band and plays the bagpipes.

One day when we were speeding up mid beat, he was playing his pipes and suddenly stopped, started coughing like mad, and nearly fell over. When he did regain balance he started blasting us real bad. Now this guy actually served in the army and even has a knife scar on his face. He's not big, but when he gets mad, people get running! Turns out the poor guy couldn't breathe mid note because we were playing too fast!

-Nigel

Little guy? Named Gurung? Royal Army? Knife scar?

Me boy, you've got a Gurkha there! Bet he's quiet, tough as nails and does not lie.

Phil

ashivraj

06-04-2002, 06:19 PM

Originally posted by bassknave

Little guy? Named Gurung? Royal Army? Knife scar?

Me boy, you've got a Gurkha there! Bet he's quiet, tough as nails and does not lie.

Phil

im amazed.

didnt quite sum1 to figure out EXACTLY who and what he is, based on steve's description...

oh exalted one... i worship the ground you walk on... i shall forever hold in my high esteem the bass strings you break... and the speakers you blow... accept me as thy humble disciple, master, and let me serve thou...

AS:D

Six String Stuntman Steve

06-05-2002, 02:55 AM

Originally posted by bassknave

Little guy? Named Gurung? Royal Army? Knife scar?

Me boy, you've got a Gurkha there! Bet he's quiet, tough as nails and does not lie.

Phil

Wow! You got it bang on! Not baaad at all. I didn't say he was a gurkha simply because I doubted many people would know who they are.

Yep he's a silent guy. I've never seen him get REALLY angry....and I don't think I ever want to.:D

So temme, where are you from?

-Nigel

Zomby Woof

06-05-2002, 02:49 PM

These stories are killing me :eek: Keep em coming.

MrKnobs, you must write a book. These stories deserve a larger audience.

bassknave

06-05-2002, 03:28 PM

Originally posted by Six String Stuntman Steve

Wow! You got it bang on! Not baaad at all. I didn't say he was a gurkha simply because I doubted many people would know who they are.

Yep he's a silent guy. I've never seen him get REALLY angry....and I don't think I ever want to.:D

So temme, where are you from?

-Nigel

Wisconsin, but:

A: I've been around, and
B: I'm a military historian by avocation.

Phil

Six String Stuntman Steve

06-06-2002, 12:01 AM

Originally posted by bassknave

B: I'm a military historian by avocation.

That explains it.
:cool:

Soundguy118

06-09-2002, 09:53 PM

I guess I'll resurrect this thread with a little anecdote.

I was working at a conference center which had a 1500 seat theater. Did mostly theatrical stuff, but some music. This venue also had a 12'X12' motorized projection screen. THis theater is old and it doesn't have a fly system, so the screen comes out of this box that hangs down from the shell over the stage.

One night the screen was down and my co-production manager was on the stage focusing lights for the next day's show. He sets the ladder near the screen but then decides that it's in his way. So he goes back stage to flip the switch to send the screen up.

Well, the screen has a metal pipe in the bottom of it to keep it straight. THis pipe sticks out past the edge of the screen about 6 inches on each side. The pipe gets caught on the ladder and the screen rips about 10 feet up from the bottom. The tear got about 1/2 way through the screen before the guy finally sut off the motor. I was standing in the first row of seats watching this horror.

It ended up being that the screen had to be completely replaced. The people in charge decided to replace not only the fabric, but the motor and the casing too, all of which was about a decade old.

The total cost for all this? about 10 grand. What really sucks is that some of this money was the money that we were about to spend on a nice new soundcraft console, which the place needed. We actually had it all picked out and everything :mad:

Josef

IsildursBane

06-13-2002, 10:19 AM

bump.

c'mon guys. somebody's gotta have something. Mr Knobs?

-Dan

IsildursBane

06-13-2002, 09:10 PM

>The mood has to be just right for me to tell one, though.

Ah, I see. You're showing the signs of a skilled storyteller. All keep them wanting more... :-)

Here's your list:

the two lesbians,
*the tour for the mexican mafia,
the fistfight with the born again guy,
the chick pulling the train backstage at GS,
*the high speed car chase (shots fired),
the stolen church fire extinguisher,
*the "party" with "Candy" and "Sandy",
the dude who plays slap bass with his feet,
my singer Julie and the two strippers,
the "jewelled" flagpole at Dime Box,
the mirror at Kashim,
Joanna the puker,
Mooning at the radio station,
the soundman's mother,
*standoff in Mexia, TX,
cop in a box,
*my name is Blanca M.,
*mexican border search,
a little fun with wireless guitar,
Dime Box body slam,
Light guy mixes "Cotton Eye Joe",
See-through dimmer pack,
TV stolen solo by Bill B.,
Kevin plays in the wrong key,
Bathroom boob flasher,
ShowCo transistorized George S.,
Melting w/ the big boys at Silver Wings,
"Barnell" and the girls,

Hmmm... "Dime Box body slam" and "Cotton Eyed Joe" sound interesting. :-)

-Dan.

Tripoutski

06-14-2002, 10:07 PM

You know, I have been reading this thread diligently for a while thinking that I had nothing to add. The majority of my sound reinforcement days were in the 80’s and what I couldn’t remember the morning after then, I certainly cannot remember now. Well, I am getting back into this live sound thing for some stupid reason (you guys have been awesome, thanks) and thinking about it a lot. Today, while reviewing one of Mr. Knobs great stories, I remembered a very little one…

This was your typical party gig where you weren’t getting paid much (drink is about it), but you knew the band well and they were calling in a favor. It was in a wealthy neighborhood and the gear needs were light, so I decided to do it alone (I had a small company with a buddy, but did not need him for this). It was a basic setup in a large outside area, front line having 3 mics, 3 wedges, yada, yada, yada. Well, it is about half way through the night when all of a sudden the power went out. Complete darkness. I was pretty good about distributing the A/C, but sometimes I guess you never know. As I got busy hitting switches on my Yamaha power hogs (I didn’t want the breaker going back on and getting hit too hard again), the power (and the lights) came back up. Only about 7-8 seconds had elapsed, far too short of a time for someone to realize the issue, find the box, the breaker, and switch it on. When I looked at the stage it became painfully clear what had happened. I had 3 boom stands supporting nothing but mic cables.

A perfectly executed crime. I figure that it was one guy at the box counting to 10, and I one guy hitting the 3 mics. I never saw the mics again.

Zeromus-X

06-15-2002, 11:01 AM

More of a horror story than a "stupid story", but I've seen a few of these, so here goes. Brace yourselves. This happened last night. I'm the bassist in my band, for the record.

We'd been waiting over a month for the show, since someone from a major label was supposed to be out there. He ended up calling us to tell us he wasn't gonna be able to make it. Turns out that was the best news we'd heard all night.

So I get to the club around 7:15. We're not supposed to go on until 9:30, but I have to set up our lights and trusses, put up the backdrop, etc. I notice there's still a band playing. We were to go 2nd, but on the "late show" -- the club does an early and a late show for some reason. The early show was supposed to end around 7:30, with the late one starting at 9:00.

9:30 rolls aroud and the "early show" is still going on. The last band is up, but still. This brings about a small problem with setting up my stuff, but whatever. The rest of the band is there by now as well. The club tries to tell us we're headlining, meaning we wouldn't go on until about 12:30 AM at least. That didn't fly. We ended up settling with going 3rd, around 11:30. I hate being an asshole about set times and stuff, but our guitarist has to be up at 6 AM for work, and two of our band members had graduation that morning. Oh well.

During the two bands before us, I'm setting up our lights and cables and stuff off to the back of the place. I've got everything set up so that when the 2nd band finishes, all I have to do is run two trusses up front, secure them, and plug them in. I've got the rest of our lights situated likewise -- pick 'em up and they're all set and on and ready, just need to be plugged into the wall and foot controller. I recruit two other people there to put up the white backdrop for me, since that would take up way too much time.

By now it's starting to rain quite a bit, so I head outside to help the rest of the band get the stuff out of the van. We keep everything as covered as possible during this so that it doesn't get wet. No big deals. The 2nd band ends a bit before we thought they would, so we rush our stuff up to stage. I'm plugging in extension cords left and right, someone else set my rig up on stage. I notice the ground pin on the extension cord I'm trying to plug in is severely mutilated. Rather than defeat it, which would have been the only other option, I simply didn't plug in our strobes. Which sucks, because I spent twenty minutes setting them up on the trusses (thanks for the help, Skippii!) beforehand. Oh well.

We turn everything on, sounds good. Fog machine starts pumping stuff out, all lights working, everyone can see. Starts out on a roll. My first night using my new wireless at an actual show, so I'm set.

We get about halfway through the first song, and I lose all power. Literally. The entire rack, poweramp, you name it. The strange thing is, I'm plugged into the same strip as our lights, and they're still on. Panic ensues. This was the one night at the club that we mic'd the amp instead of running direct from SansAmp, of course, or else it might have been salvagable. The soundman sees something is majorly wrong with the power and comes up to me behind the stage, along with the bassist from another band playing that night. I'm up on stage playing as if nothing's really happening (I hate it when bands just stop when something screws up -- I'm sure half the people in the audience didn't notice anything different with the sound, so I'll let them believe that) and those guys are behind my rig checking everything. Unfortunately the fog machine is right behind my amp, and it's a 100% dense ball of fog back there. Ripped the cord out of the wall so it'd hopefully clear up, but that would take a while.

They plug the poweramp into the same plug as the lights to see if we can get sound back. In a matter of milliseconds, all our lights shut off. Not good. Poweramp unplugged and lights plugged back in.

Wireless unit plugged into same plug guitarist is using. No power. Not good.

This goes the same for the preamp, compressor, EQ, and noise gate. My tuner worked in the plug. I know the plug isn't screwed up or anything when I see this. More panic ensues. I've given up the "fake" playing at this point, to jump back behind stage and figure out what the hell is going on.

During this time, the lead guitarist (to my left) has had his Kaoss Pad, which is in the center of his signal chain, completely die on him. Someone from the floor who was moshing had fallen onto the stage and landed on some stuff, jarring the 9V adapter input which is loose anyway. His input jack on his guitar is also cutting in and out, and he's got no sound. This is *quite* noticible, but the rest of the band finishes up the song. A few seconds later the sampler starts blinking on and off, freaking out. The Kaoss pad doesn't. The rest of his pedals are fine.

A few minutes later, someone spills a full cup of water on the rhythm guitarist's digital delay pedal. It becomes completely unresponsive to any sort of touch. He's stuck with the delay on and the distortion on full. In between parts he cuts the delay to its lowest setting so it doesn't sound really noticible.

By the end of the set, I was playing my bass through a 25' speaker cable into the snake, straight to board. Couldn't hear any of it on stage. We had to cut a few songs from the set because of the delay thing with the guitar. I find a flashlight and check out behind the stage. It's completely covered in puddles. All our cords are sitting in water at some point in their line. We didn't see this beforehand to that extent because it was so dark. My rack case lid, which was off to stage right, had been filled with water when someone's cup seems to have been knocked down, so I pick it up and it immediately starts spilling all over the place.

...

Well that was longer than I thought it'd be, but oh well. I don't see many ways that show could have gotten worse, especially if I'm going to have to send every piece of gear I own in for repair.

:(

I originally posted this in the bass forum, but I think it qualifies here. :(

ewfd

06-17-2002, 02:14 PM

I'm in a band with a few of my friends (ages 20+) from my local church, and we were approached a few weeks ago by a promoter from Houston. They were putting on a show at a youth center in my hometown, and they needed a local act to open for the headlining band. So being the nice guys we are, we accepted.

When we got to the youth center to set up our gear, there were these three 14 year old kids on the stage banging around on the headliners gear. So I told them "Hey! What do you guys think you're doing?! Stop messing around with that stuff!"

Turned out those pre-pubsecent boys WERE the band.

Despite the incident, we went ahead and opened the show, and had a fairly good set.

When those kids took the stage after us, they played like a band that listens to too much Creed and Metallica while they're writing their songs. Same stupid fast-and-furious 30 second solo during each song.. no artistry at all.. crappy dull lyrics.. the whole nine yards..

So yeah, that's the worst gig I've ever had to do. I'm still embarassed to this day that we had to play a subordinant role to those 9th grade, no-talent, braces equiped, headbanging, jnco jockeys.

dpothecary

06-17-2002, 03:42 PM

You have joined the legions of people who have supported talentless losers. I have been in both places. We've supported some people who have been hideous, and done very bad ourselves.

Let me tell you about our "bogey" venue, Sam's Bar in Cardiff.

Last year, we had a bassist from Norway. Oddly it would seem that in Norway a Bb is a B, and a B is, oddly enough, an H.

Anyway, we have a song which is in Bbm, and so when we were working though it, we had some problems. We got it sorted, or so we thought.

Every time we went to a gig, we would get to the middle of the bridge, with a crescendo at F, which was fairly heavily distorted. Every time we played that song there would be a wave of bass feedback(which ain't nice). We got to Sam's, this being about 6-7 months after we got this bassist and me and the bassist were sat in the "green room" working our way through the rider, and I was just strumming through this song on the acoustic. I get to the crescendo, and the bassist says "isn't that an F#?".

Wind on a year. Our bassist has moved back to Norway, and after a couple of intermediaries, and a new drummer, we arrive at a new line up, and do our comeback gig at Sam's. We're set to headline, which automatically set alarm bells ringing, since our lead singer/songwriter decides to do two new songs. Which have had about an hour's work each.

Anyway, soundcheck rolls round, and we get to soundchecking the bass. Nothing. Just a big hum, and a bit of crackle. We bugger about with everything for ages, but to no avail. We leave that and move on to guitars. Lead guitarist/singer/songwriter plugs in his dano U2 slams it onto bridge pickup, sets treble to 10, and drive to similar, and proceeds to check. PA guy says "are you happy with that distortion?" He says yes, and continues. Of course the monitors can't handle that sort of noise at any volume, so the guitar is almost silent in the monitors. Then the pickup in my acoustic cuts out.

Needless to say the gig was awful, and the tone of my lead guitarist was likened to "an angry gnat" by the PA guy. I was glad when it was over.

IsildursBane

06-18-2002, 07:43 AM

I almost had a stupid moment last night.

I ordered a new patch bay that came in last night. I'm holding it up by the plastic bag, getting ready to cut the plastic with my razor knife, when I think to myself, "gee, what's gonna happen when I cut this? The patchbay's gonna fall, bounce off my desk, gouge my leg, then land on my foot. Why don't I hold this a different way."

-Dan.

agt5

06-18-2002, 07:51 AM

I was zip tying my effects loop and channel switching cables, that run back to my amp from the pedal board. I had 3 cables, about 20ft, with 35 zip ties. I finish up, look down, and there is the 4th cable that I forgot to put in! So I just doubled it up with 70 zip ties. PITA. I hate it when you forget the obvious.

Six String Stuntman Steve

06-18-2002, 09:20 AM

In an earlier post I mentioned how I jacked the senior girls supervisor with feedback a day or two before our annual prize day.

This prize day was the first time I refused to handle the sound for the day, so our hero Tommy (refer to earlier posts) was in charge. Towards the beginning of the evening we were to have the U.A.E. national anthem and later on the Indian national anthem.

The MC asked the audience to stand for the UAE national anthem when suddenly the instrumental of the Indian one blasted through the speakers. Turns out that not only did Tommy set those massive buggers at over +4db, he also played the wrong track on the CD with the songs for the evening. There were some very disgruntled important people (along with over 300 parents and over 200 students) present there....I'm talking about a principal, a bunch of supervisors and teachers, a VIP guest and a chairman of a bunch of schools.

The sad thing is, everyone thought I did it because I'm usually the soundman, and there I was, standing innocently enough with my Don Corleone hairstyle for the day, snickerring away with one finger pointing at an oblivious Tommy. He had to abruptly stop the track and play the correct anthem.

-Nigel

Six String Stuntman Steve

06-18-2002, 09:28 AM

During end April-beginning June of 2002 our school hosted it's annual musical. This year's choice was the broadway version of "Saturday Night Fever" and guess who got to play the role of John Travolta....yes!! ME!!! There I was complete with the leather jacket and the bell bottoms....hell I got to be a hero for four days....people finally know my name in school....not just "the awkward kiddo that sits in the corner playing his guitar while ashivraj stands on a chair RAMMING out one bass note on an open E string." (:D)

Not to say that I was really made for the role, hell I only got in because I could sing and act somewhat. It was quite a sight watching Mr. Oliver teach me to get down 'n' dancin'. Tommy wasn't given the director's slot because, hec, he's just too incompetent and lazy. Our old music teacher, who's now a theatrical director in Canada, was invited to come back to direct the show. He's known me for about 8 years now as I sang in a lot of his musicals.

Back to the dancing. Now you understand I'm a guitar player....not a dancer. So while all the other kids were doing cartwheels, I was busy trying to shake of my hunchback and two left feet. And when all the other kids were doing back bends, I was busy trying to bend over to try to touch my knees, forget the floor. Oh yes, it was a STRUGGLE! But I loved it.

That stage was my kingdom. They had a ramp extend out into the audience with the floor removed, coloured lights put in, and glass replacing the floor....for a disco light effect. There was a silver car decorated with tiny mirrors on the side of the girls choir and a Harley on the side of the boys choir. Three massive mirrors along the back wall, huge light bulb panels on either side, loads of coloured lights, a good proffesional lighting system complete with two disco balls....oh it was heaven!

Here are a few funny events that took place during the course of the show and the preceeding preperation:
1. Oliver: "Tommy, you're playing SH*T!!"
2. Feedback provided free of cost
3. Oliver: "Tommy, the school has turned to SH*T since you took over!!"
4. Danny the singer.
5. Swear by your mic!!!
6. Stephanie's dress falls off on stage.
7. Night Fever, Night Fe-BANG!!
8. Our mic-man's bane...the three queens.
9. Showing the audience "the finger".
10. Tommy kills the glorious legacy of SNF

Still nothing in the league of MrKnobs though :). When I get the time I'll note these down.

-Nigel

MrKnobs

06-18-2002, 11:44 AM

Here is another little story that is short but true. The guys over in Open Jam convinced me to tell it there, so I'm reprinting it here with a few more details:

This happened in the late 80s, when a couple of bandmates and I decided after a gig we would cross over into Mexico and seek some drinking, gambling, and female company. :cool:

We ended up thrown in jail in Mexico; the charge was, "being homosexuals," which is a crime in Mexico. :o

The thing is, we are all straight. We were drunk and having a fun time practicing our Spanish with some fat old whore in Boys Town. We had no intention of employing her services, it's just that none of the younger ladies would waste so much time trying to make a deal with guys who were so obviously disinterested. We were just goofing with her. She, of course, was diligently trying to close a deal that would have included all three of us. She finally made us an offer and said (en Espanol), "If you don't agree you must be queer. I will call the police."

We had a big laugh at that. A few minutes later we were all in a Mexican jail. Dirt floor, filthy conditions, guards with US M-16 automatic rifles. Very scary! I won't try to describe our fellow inmates except to say that there is a wide range to what is considered "human." :eek:

We asked one of the guards (who spoke no English) what we had to do to get out. He said the judge would be in sometime later in the week. We asked him if we could just pay the fine to HIM (wink, wink). That got his attention, and we soon arrived at a deal, which wasn't all that expensive. Maybe the whole thing was just a big scam to shake down the tourists, we thought.

As we left, we pointed at the other (armed) guard down the road and asked "What about him?" The guard responded, "That's between you and him." We shuffled quickly through the darkness down the mud road, until we saw a taxi and grabbed it. Five minutes later, several "Policia" cars passed us with their sirens and lights going, scanning the dark alleyways with their spotlights. Maybe the guard signaled a "jailbreak," or maybe they were looking for someone else, no way to know. We were pretty damn scared, though!

We were very glad to get back across the border that night!

Terry D.

$$$TDN$$$

Nighthawkdude

06-18-2002, 11:59 AM

So, Terry D, when are we gonna hear the story about the girl and the "train"?

ashivraj

06-18-2002, 12:34 PM

Originally posted by Six String Stuntman Steve
... That stage was my kingdom. They had a ramp extend out into the audience with the floor removed, coloured lights put in, and glass replacing the floor....for a disco light effect. There was a silver car decorated with tiny mirrors on the side of the girls choir and a Harley on the side of the boys choir. Three massive mirrors along the back wall, huge light bulb panels on either side, loads of coloured lights, a good proffesional lighting system complete with two disco balls....oh it was heaven!

...

5. Night Fever, Night Fe-BANG!!

...

-Nigel

this was a blast. so you have these "bulb walls", about 250 to a panel, and 4 of these panels. 100W bulbs each. then the ramp lights which were about 40 bulbs of 250W each. (i think im messing up with these numbers here, but you get the idea.)

combine that with a 25(?)k PA rig, and 50+ lights cans, plus the usual smoke, disco balls, etc.

we're all on one circuit - i.e. one big power distro with separate sockets for sound, dimmer packs (light cans), bulb walls, etc. it isnt quite the fault of the rented sound/lights guys, its just that school provided them with ONE (1) connection.

the guy who was controlling the bulb walls + under-floor lights was a student, not too bright. oliver tells him, everytime u hear the chorus - night fever, night fever, etc. - hit all them lights, and kill them after the chorus 'coz u cant have them on for too long.

fast forward to showday - night fever night fever - lights are on as per plan. then there's this one bit where the chorus is repeated twice, and dimbulb lights kid had to follow orders so he decided to keep it on. so we're going - night fever night --- BANG - loud pop from somewhere and the hall's power is killed. lights, sound, hall lights, AC, all down.

the rented guys running wild to switch off the power amps, oliver running wild screaming his head off, people on stage relatively calm, trying to figure out what happened, and the school electrician afzal (anybody remember him?) - who has the keys to the locked electric room - standing behind me, munching on a sandwich and scratching his head.

takes a while for someone to tell him that HE has the keys and HE must unlock the door to the utility room so they can reset the breakers.

all in all, a little over 3 minutes of nothingness. surprisingly, the dancers had enough sense to walk off in the dark - it was the end of the song anyway - and the show went on. that show was a horror tho - most of nigel's list is from that one show - including oliver swearing into the piano mic and coming out nice and clear through the monitors. amazing that FOH was muted just then. it's surprising what you can pick up with a SM-57 that isnt angled quite right.

AS

Six String Stuntman Steve

06-18-2002, 01:11 PM

Originally posted by ashivraj
including oliver swearing into the piano mic and coming out nice and clear through the monitors. amazing that FOH was muted just then. it's surprising what you can pick up with a SM-57 that isnt angled quite right.Refer here (http://acapella.harmony-central.com/forums/showthread.php?postid=453014#post453014) for background on this story.

Oh yeah I forgot about that one, let me add it to my list.

So Kevin J. Oliver was called back to do our show. Now the thing about him is...his temper is something awful. Hec, when he gets angry.....presidents of countries start running for cover!!

So you had Oliver on our second show which was for the middle and senior sections of our school, sitting at his piano, when everything that could go wrong....just went so damn wrong!!!

At one scene, I was supposed to be helping "Stephanie Mangano" move boxes into her new New York apartment. Big, dirty crates, and I'm supposed to be sweating and dog tired. Due to some communication misunderstanding, I had changed into my disco outfit....a three piece suit!!!!

It was at this point apparently that Oliver completely lost it and started shouting his usual "F****CK!!! SH***TTT!!! @@@$$$HOLE!!!" and other colourful lingo.......right into his piano mic!!!

I dunno how they covered it up, apparently it came through the band monitors and the nearby boys choir could hear it loud and clear!!!

Note...the audience was the middle and senior sections of our school....ages between 9 and 17!!

The moment the show ended a bunch of make up assistants quickly hurried me into a room far away from the actual changing room and told me to wait there until they thought it safe!!!

-Nigel

mackoid

06-18-2002, 08:00 PM

As long as it's not too "nasty" or profane, funny is good.

This thread has definantly taken a flavor that wasn't my intention. My intention was focusing on the "technical" side, and I figured I'd get a few little replies. I never dreamed you geniuses would come up with all this. If I could, I'd delete my first post (it's not even funny!) and leave the rest.

Keep 'em coming!

bassknave

06-18-2002, 08:24 PM

Hey, nasty and profane are good, too.

Phil

mackoid

06-18-2002, 08:35 PM

Yeah, for you old guys. Not for the youngsters like me. :eek:

agedhorse

06-18-2002, 11:50 PM

Originally posted by mackoid
Yeah, for you old guys. Not for the youngsters like me. :eek:

But isn't that what makes you older???

What doesn't kill you will definately make you stronger (and smarter)

Six String Stuntman Steve

06-19-2002, 04:15 AM

Originally posted by bassknave
Hey, nasty and profane are good, too.Hooray for nasty and profane!!! :D :D :D

ATOMICDOG1

06-19-2002, 09:57 AM

Tripoutski

06-19-2002, 10:04 AM

Originally posted by ATOMICDOG1

My favorite is when I get done soldering a cable and when I look down at the bench, there's the barrel...DOH!!

I just relived a lot of frustration reading this...

Zeromus-X

06-19-2002, 10:40 AM

Same here... I do that all the time working with computer parts too, though. Or when I solder the connector back on and forget to put it through whatever tiny hole I had to take the connector off to GET it through.

Did that make sense? Hmm.

agedhorse

06-19-2002, 10:53 AM

Try screwing this up when building up a multi-pin harness! That's a real pisser... I really check twice now, and still do it once and a while. I then walk off my temper.

ATOMICDOG1

06-19-2002, 01:01 PM

A while back, I was working for a company who, in addition to live prod work, did installs. We had a kid who was working for us and we had him doing a FOH position at a huge church. All he had to do was fish a 40 pr. snake through a 3" conduit and then solder the XLRs on it while we were doing an afternoon corporate gig. So we come back from the show (maybe 3hrs later) and he has about half of the snake soldered... still on the stage. He hadn't fished it yet. Took him a while to get all those XLRs off:rolleyes:

mackoid

06-20-2002, 08:22 PM

MrKnobs, you better get busy writin'.

MrKnobs

06-20-2002, 10:33 PM

You guys! You have no idea how busy I am! In the next ten days I have two gigs (playing), live sound at one festival, and five nights of studio work booked, not to mention my day job. I'm also currently working with 3 manufacturers on various musical projects! Until they perfect cloning, there's only one of me! :eek:

OK, OK, I guess I can write a short one. :rolleyes: :D

About 10 years ago I was working FOH sound for a popular country band in a little shit hole SPJST hall in Dime Box, Texas.

Now Dime Box is interesting because there is an old Dime Box and a new Dime Box. At one time, there was only Dime Box. Then, the state built a highway to it. Most of the locals didn't like that so they moved the entire town to a more remote location. All that remained in what is now old Dime Box is a gas station / convenience store, plus a few houses and farms. Everybody else is now happily relocated down a tiny farm to market road.

I mention this because it gives you some idea of the type of town Dime Box is. DB has really not changed since the 1940s or 1950s, a town comfortably stuck in time. The town has one KC or SPJST hall (I forget which) where every last person from 6 to 60 comes out on Saturday night for "the dance." Doesn't really matter who's playing, everyone shows up. The old folks dance to drippy country standards and the kids wait until they leave for the band to crank up the volume and start thumping out the rap and modern rock they crave.

This may be a strange culture to some of you, as it was to me when I first started working it. It is extremely lucrative; bands working this "big halls in small towns" circuit typically make $2,000 to $3,000 on a Saturday night. There are at least a dozen bands in Texas that make their living entirely in this way.

So I find myself working in this culture shock gig. About halfway through the show, some large disturbance occurs and almost all of the crowd pours out the door leaving the hall empty. Normally, this signals a fight, which is even more entertaining to the locals than the dance. The band keeps playing, but since the need for a soundman is diminished with no audience, I decide to venture out and see what's going on.

There is a crowd gathered around a pickup truck. In the bed of the truck lies a young man, writhing in obvious pain. I can't see what's wrong with him because a large crowd is huddled up against the truck looking at him. Some are young girls and are giggling. :confused:

An older man pushes through the crowd, huddles with several other town elders; they shoo the crowd away and drive off with the boy still in the truck bed. Strange.

Someone explains to me what has happened. The guy, a little drunk, and on a dare, climbed the flagpole outside the hall, complete with an admiring female audience. Somewhere near the top, he lost his grip and slid down the pole. Not a big deal, except that flagpoles have a cleat that is used for fastening the rope. In this case, the cleat caught the unfortunate young man in a tender place as he fell and neatly removed his family jewels. :eek:

The men were debating where to take him, as Dime Box is quite remote from any hospital. I learn later that he has been taken to Caldwell, another small town, about 30 miles away, all the while laying in the back of the pickup truck over the bumpy dirt road.

Later that night, just before closing time, someone stops the band and gets up on a mike to make an announcement. The doctors in Caldwell were able to save one of his testicles! He will be able to sire a family. That is all.

The crowd cheers!

Just another night in Dime Box, Texas.

Terry D.

$$$TDO$$$

Tommy the Cat

06-20-2002, 11:23 PM

ROFL!! Terry, man, you gotta write a book just full of these short gig stories! Seriously, I think that would do pretty well. Our (the bass forum's) own Zeromus-X has some writing skillz too...hell, his Limp Bizkit audition story spread all over the internet, and landed him in Spin magazine.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, write a book! :D

Short little gig story...we were playing a carnival, and I believe it was in May. I live in the South, and it is hot around May. We were playing on one of those trailer-stages, the portable ones with no vibe and that look like the inside of a beer can. :(

They also have the added ability to gather sunlight and heat very well. It must've been at least 100 degrees on that stage, not to mention the humidity. Anyway, long story short, our singer passed out in the middle of a song. :eek: We have a videotape of it - it's hilarious! You see him fall down behind a wedge, his feet bounce up, then he's out of sight. It's great. :D :D

The crowd liked it too...:D

tarantinos

06-20-2002, 11:23 PM

That last one could really be felt... keep ´em coming Terry

Six String Stuntman Steve

06-21-2002, 02:37 AM

Originally posted by MrKnobs
Someone explains to me what has happened. The guy, a little drunk, and on a dare, climbed the flagpole outside the hall, complete with an admiring female audience. Somewhere near the top, he lost his grip and slid down the pole. Not a big deal, except that flagpoles have a cleat that is used for fastening the rope. In this case, the cleat caught the unfortunate young man in a tender place as he fell and neatly removed his family jewels. :eek:........

.......I learn later that he has been taken to Caldwell, another small town, about 30 miles away, all the while laying in the back of the pickup truck over the bumpy dirt road........

....... The doctors in Caldwell were able to save one of his testicles! He will be able to sire a family. That is all.OOOOUUUUCCCCHHHH!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! Oh God Terry, that was BRUTAL!!!! I could almost feel the pain just reading that.

I wonder whether to laugh or go reinforce my "diamonds" with plaster or something.

Keep 'em coming king!!

-Nigel

Ron C

06-21-2002, 07:29 AM

A couple of years ago i was sound engineer for a band called "Stormrider", they play 80's metal (covers) like Manowar, Kreater, Slayer that kind of stuff. While i was standing behind the Mixing console this hells angel dumbass who looked like Catwesel came to me asking if I knew the function of all those buttons and faders . I noticed he wasn't the smartest guy around so I said to him: "Most of these buttons are all fake, it's Rock 'n Roll you know!", I pressed a PFL button of an not connected channel and said: "look when i press this, that LED' s burning, thats all! can you hear a change of sound?"and when i twist this knob, do you hear a change of sound? ", he agreed there was no difference in sound of course. "It's all show i told him, just to impress people like you!"Rock 'n Roll you know!...Wow he said, i didn't knew that".
Then he asked me where i used the headphones for, I pointed at a couple of CD's and said to him: "Do you really think i'm gonna listen to this metal crap all evening, now way, i just brought some of my own CD's to listen to, and I even get paid for it!"
Yeah, he said that's fucking clever!
He looked at me as if i was his hero and bought beers for me all evening!
When i told this story to the band later on, they told me that guy was some local idiot, you defenately don't want to have fight with!

:D

mackoid

06-21-2002, 12:43 PM

Ron -

Thats too good!

Zeromus-X

06-21-2002, 02:47 PM

Thanks for the kind words TTC -- I'll have to post some more stories on here soon! I know I've got a few more. Nothing like MrKnobs, though, so don't expect TOO much. :)

I've got a few further up the list though. At least one.

rocknrollwillneverdie

06-21-2002, 03:07 PM

Originally posted by MrKnobs
You guys! You have no idea how busy I am! In the next ten days I have two gigs (playing), live sound at one festival, and five nights of studio work booked, not to mention my day job. I'm also currently working with 3 manufacturers on various musical projects! Until they perfect cloning, there's only one of me! :eek:

OK, OK, I guess I can write a short one. :rolleyes: :D

About 10 years ago I was working FOH sound for a popular country band in a little shit hole SPJST hall in Dime Box, Texas.

Now Dime Box is interesting because there is an old Dime Box and a new Dime Box. At one time, there was only Dime Box. Then, the state built a highway to it. Most of the locals didn't like that so they moved the entire town to a more remote location. All that remained in what is now old Dime Box is a gas station / convenience store, plus a few houses and farms. Everybody else is now happily relocated down a tiny farm to market road.

I mention this because it gives you some idea of the type of town Dime Box is. DB has really not changed since the 1940s or 1950s, a town comfortably stuck in time. The town has one KC or SPJST hall (I forget which) where every last person from 6 to 60 comes out on Saturday night for "the dance." Doesn't really matter who's playing, everyone shows up. The old folks dance to drippy country standards and the kids wait until they leave for the band to crank up the volume and start thumping out the rap and modern rock they crave.

This may be a strange culture to some of you, as it was to me when I first started working it. It is extremely lucrative; bands working this "big halls in small towns" circuit typically make $2,000 to $3,000 on a Saturday night. There are at least a dozen bands in Texas that make their living entirely in this way.

So I find myself working in this culture shock gig. About halfway through the show, some large disturbance occurs and almost all of the crowd pours out the door leaving the hall empty. Normally, this signals a fight, which is even more entertaining to the locals than the dance. The band keeps playing, but since the need for a soundman is diminished with no audience, I decide to venture out and see what's going on.

There is a crowd gathered around a pickup truck. In the bed of the truck lies a young man, writhing in obvious pain. I can't see what's wrong with him because a large crowd is huddled up against the truck looking at him. Some are young girls and are giggling. :confused:

An older man pushes through the crowd, huddles with several other town elders; they shoo the crowd away and drive off with the boy still in the truck bed. Strange.

Someone explains to me what has happened. The guy, a little drunk, and on a dare, climbed the flagpole outside the hall, complete with an admiring female audience. Somewhere near the top, he lost his grip and slid down the pole. Not a big deal, except that flagpoles have a cleat that is used for fastening the rope. In this case, the cleat caught the unfortunate young man in a tender place as he fell and neatly removed his family jewels. :eek:

The men were debating where to take him, as Dime Box is quite remote from any hospital. I learn later that he has been taken to Caldwell, another small town, about 30 miles away, all the while laying in the back of the pickup truck over the bumpy dirt road.

Later that night, just before closing time, someone stops the band and gets up on a mike to make an announcement. The doctors in Caldwell were able to save one of his testicles! He will be able to sire a family. That is all.

The crowd cheers!

Just another night in Dime Box, Texas.

Terry D.

OW! it hurts just HEARING someone tell that...

ow...i wish i could tell cool stories like that...ow...

MrKnobs

06-21-2002, 04:14 PM

Originally posted by rocknrollwillneverdie
ow...i wish i could tell cool stories like that...ow...

There's no storytelling art involved, I'm just recounting what actually happened to me or others while I watched.

You know, when you have a 30 year career in music on the road and in the studio, a few things are bound to happen. Of course 19 out of 20 gigs are boring and uneventful, but then..... :eek:

Terry D.

ATOMICDOG1

06-21-2002, 05:23 PM

We were on our way to a gig in South Dakota, when we stopped in a small town in southern MN to get gas. When we came out of the gas station to leave, the truck made a horrible grinding sound and the starter basically disintigrated. We were about 40 miles from the gig in Sioux Falls and most of the towing companies that were open didn't have rigs big enough to handle a large cube van full of gear. So we kept calling around and finally found a towing company that was located on the interstate just east of Sioux Falls with a semi tractor towing rig. He came all way to where we were to pick us up and even brought his son to drive a car with us in it to Sioux Falls.
Meanwhile we had talked to the club a couple of times and the owner was really cool. He even offered to send some one out to get us, but we told him we were on the way.
So we finally had the tow truck driver take the truck to the club. there were a couple of people standing there when we pulled up, and they yelled into the club that the band was finally there. Upon hearing this a waitress came out and says "So, you guys are the band, huh? I heard you had a hard time getting here. Maybe this'll make you feel better." and she flashed us her tits. :p
I was kinda liking the place by now, but I really liked it when I walked in the door... There were HUNDREDS of bras hanging from the rafters, each with a name and a date. There were also motorcycles hanging from the main beam running the length of the building. (did I mention that it was a biker bar? :D) They were the coolest bunch of people that we have ever played for. Even though we started an hour late they were very responsive and kept buying us drinks.
God, I like that place...

noblues=notrock

06-21-2002, 05:27 PM

During baseball preseason, we do conditioning. You know, long distance running and other hard, physical things that we will never use in baseball. One of the exercises involves a long elastic band. It is used to tether two people together. One person takes off running, and the other person follows after him after a delay, in which tension builds, which slingshots you forward and is supposed to get your muscles conditioned to running faster (especially since the penalty for lagging behind too far or tripping up is getting dragged across the ground accidentaly but quite publicly).

A guy, one of my best friends on the team, was the second guy (the guy who runs after the first guy). The coach wasn't there that day, so the whistle (which signals when the second guy can run) was left in the hands of the captains, who weren't really sure of the ideal timing. The person who my friend would be taking off after was pretty fast. The first guy took off, and after a few seconds we heard the whistle. Unfortunately, the other thing we heard before that was a loud snap, followed by an even louder stream of profanity. The elastic band had snapped at the waist of the first person, and had flown about three-quarters of the length of the length of the gym. As the bands were connected at the waist, the band hit my friend in a place not too far south of there.

Luckily, besides some embarassing swelling and some pissing of blood, he was alright.

rocknrollwillneverdie

06-21-2002, 05:35 PM

Originally posted by Garry Vogel
Way back in the 80`s metal days (circa Shout At The Devil), my old band snared a weekend at a local seedy metal club. Our last song of the third set was "Take Me To The Top" by Motley (SHeesh, what a lame song-- I had to teach the other guitarist Jim how to play the unison solo even...).

A few days prior, we had tested our concussion mortar outside at the singer`s house (he had a cop for a next-door neighbor, and after clearing the potential noise issue with him, he witnessed the boom with glee...).

For those unfamiliar, a concussion mortar is a big steel tube with a heavy base that you fill with smokeless powder, and set off with model-rocket igniters. A standard load is two capfulls of powder.

We set it off outside on the trial run, and DAMN! is it loud! If it wasn`t for the next door cop alerting dispatch, we would have had a visit from the authorities.

On Friday nite after the second set, I asked the bandmembers if anyone had loaded the mortar. No one had, so I filled it with a couple capfulls, and thought, "heck, let`s make it a good one," and put in another for good measure. Went to the bar for an intoxicant or five, meanwhile our "stage manager" (just a friend of the band who liked to hang and scam groupies) hadn`t heard my previous inquiry and loaded the tube with another normal dose, and also thought, "what the hell, let`s rock the house," and added another couple capfuls. He goes outside to smoke something, meanwhile our singer just gets back inside the club from a parking lot BJ from some skank, and he decides to load the sucker. He puts in a couple capfuls, and notices there`s just a little left, so he empties the rest into the mortar (keep in mind how dark it is with the stage lights off...).

So now there is OVER *6* TIMES the normal load in the sucker!

Fast forward to the end of the set, we hit the last chord as I was as far away from the mortar, which is planted dead center in front of our drum riser (made of 3/4" plywood, four feet tall to simulate "big band" status), as was possible.

BOOOOOM!

...Tom, our singer is blown off the stage all the way onto the first center table, knocking over drinks and pitchers, landing on top of two overweight leather sluts

...the drumriser (3/4" plywood, mind you) cracks and blows backward, toppling our drummer and his Peart-sized kit and ripping the front bass drum head

...Glasses get knocked off of tables in the back row

...Geno our bassist gets blown sideways into his towering bass rig, the amp head falls on his head

...Decades of filth, dust, dead roaches and other insects are blown off the ceiling and rafters, covering all the tables with disgusting debris, including a couple dead rats

...all woofers on the PA, along with the horn compression drivers are blown out

...I couldn`t hear anything but ringing in my ears for a couple days

...JT the bouncer runs into the room from the front door, sees the debris, and laughs his ass off, saying that "I`ve worked here for four years and that`s the LOUDEST thing I ever heard!"

I have heard that the Smothers Brothers incident with The Who (depicted in The Kids Are Allright) was caused bythe same misunderstanding.

Anyway, we decided to stick with strictly visual pyro from then on.

GREAT STORY! that one had me literally laughing out loud...

rocknrollwillneverdie

06-21-2002, 07:19 PM

Originally posted by MrKnobs

There's no storytelling art involved, I'm just recounting what actually happened to me or others while I watched.

You know, when you have a 30 year career in music on the road and in the studio, a few things are bound to happen. Of course 19 out of 20 gigs are boring and uneventful, but then..... :eek:

Terry D.

yeah. that's what i meant. or something like that. :)

i'm just saying that i have a boring life in comparison with yours...

possibly because i'm only 16, and so you have been playing music as a career nearly as long as i have been ALIVE.

your stories are so much more interesting than those that are taking place now - which basically consist of the following 3 steps:

1. writing songs
2. getting lucky and writing one that ends up as a hit
3. playing 10,000+ seat stadiums

occasionally, the second step is replaced by "send demo to Fred Durst, who listens to it while stoned and just happens to like it"

Six String Stuntman Steve

06-22-2002, 10:50 AM

Originally posted by rocknrollwillneverdie
1. writing songs
2. getting lucky and writing one that ends up as a hit
3. playing 10,000+ seat stadiums

occasionally, the second step is replaced by "send demo to Fred Durst, who listens to it while stoned and just happens to like it" It's a sad world. RUSH would've been smeared soooo bad if they came out now.....simply because they committed the mortal sin of "playing" their instruments.

-Nigel

agedhorse

06-26-2002, 12:39 AM

OK, I forgot about this one, but the production manager at a facility I do contract work for (over 25 years) reminded me of this. It happened last year.

We were loading into a 550 seat legit. theatre (full fly gallery) on a major CA university campus and we are parked in their loading dock with a truck & 16' trailer with all permits and documentation. This parking enforcement officer starts hassling us about a 30 minute limit for the loading dock and we explain that we have the permits which allow us to be there 24/7 since the dock is reserved EXCLUSIVELY for us. She says it doesn't matter, and if we are not doing any active loading, it's considered parking, which we also had a permit for, but she doesn't care.

So, after we dumped the 7000 lbs of PA, we had one of the crew, take a rack and roll it into and out of the trailer for 2 additional hours while set-up took place. Crew rotated, and maybe a case changed every now and then, but we were actively loading! Boy was she pissed, I thought she was going to blow a gasket. She called her superiors and they sent a "suit" out to see what was happening. We did this all with a straight face, and I then pointed out that we had exclusive use of the dock from the head cheese and we needed the parking officer's vehicle moved since we had some equipmemnt that could get out of control and could not be held responsible for accidental damage. The suit smiled and sent her on her way, still fuming.

Rumor circulated around the parking department, and I got in the mail a "hands off" permit and haven't had a problem since! I hear that they still laugh about how we handled the situation.

I was able to get away with it because it was easy and correct to go up the food chain. I also knew most of her superiors all the way up to the director of parking services, who confirmed that she was no longer doing that kind of work... they had a serious problem with her behaviour in a loading zone incident!

Six String Stuntman Steve

06-27-2002, 09:58 AM

If you look back to earlier posts by ashivraj, sherinian_gonnabe and myself, you'll come across our show from hell....a concert about a year ago where everything went absolutely wrong.

Mentioned there are tom and jerry...the school electricians who happen to be in charge of the mixer...and hence ex officio "sound techs". Well, we anticipated the probability that they'd kill our show, so we asked a classmate of ashivraj to "supervise" the two of 'em, and make sure there weren't any massive blunders.

He failed.

At first they tied him up, and kept undoing all his levels (which he was DESPERATELY trying to keep intact). He was outnumbered and after a certain point...nearly gave up.

One song on our setlist that day was a hindi song called "Dil Chahta hain" which roughly means "My heart wants (love)". That was the only non-english song for the day and we figured a huge part of our audience might like it....it was catchy, relatively new and popular, and was famous for it's "whooping" guitar solo (which basically means a loud guitar) that everyone related it with.

Now I'd heard this song only once before the show, and we hadn't practiced it at all...except once, the night before when I was taking a break. I vaguely knew there was a solo somewhere...and I more or less knew the chord structure....and to cover up I programmed a "dj turntable scratch" type sound on my processor that I could play around with through the song.

By the time this song came around, tom and jerry had abandoned the mixer and left our "soundman" to it. I told him beforehand to make sure the scratch was audible and the guitar solo was LOUD (purely because everyone was looking forward to it....i swear:rolleyes::)).

Disaster!
The song started, the crowd went absolutely WILD and people were getting up all over the place.....and the whole 12th grade jumped onto the stage....almost knocking us and our gear over.

"Is it time yet" I asked abhi
"No"
"IS it time yet"
"No"
"Is it time yet"
"Wait, Wait...NOW!!"

I hit the processor, ran to centre stage and started whacking out an improvised solo. It was pretty good except that I COULDN'T BE HEARD!! Where was the bloody soundman??? ON THE STAGE!!! AAAAHHH!!!

There I was....going wild as hell centre stage, fingers flying across the fretboard...with no sound! I felt like a modern day nu-metalist.

-Nigel

Six String Stuntman Steve

06-27-2002, 10:04 AM

Refer here (http://acapella.harmony-central.com/forums/showthread.php?postid=453014#post453014) for background on this story.

When babies are born, they are held upside down and slapped on the bottom to get the blood flowing. Our school "head of music dept.", tommy, was dropped on his head.

My evaluation of him is that he obviously had a really good trainer and has learned a vast musical wealth, but he just lacks the brains to use it right. Every song must have five hundred maj5ths or dim9ths or aug15ths or God knows what else. Some people, like my father, know how to throw in a good number of chords and really enhance the song. Tommy on the other hand knows how to make people cringe.

Saturday Night Fever was no exception. From day one, he would add 8 million chords to each song and have wild running jazz basslines in his left hand....until everything sounded like a tuneless, structureless mess.

Oliver wouldn't quite stand for it. At first he would gently tell tommy at practice to "simplify" the tunes so that people could keep a beat. Tommy dared not say anything to Oliver, but would complain for hours on end to me.

"It takes musicians to keep the time. You have to have a musical sense. What the hell is this? A school? what do I look like, a music teacher? He picks out these kids because they can hold a tune and he expects me to train them?? What the hell do I look like? A music trainer?"

:rolleyes: Some people just don't get it.

Finally the day of final selection of lead role comes. I and 3 others came into the auditorium and Oliver had us each read some script and sing "Stayin' Alive"....with that king tommy on the piano.

The first guy goes up, loses beat, Tommy murmurs something under his breath.
The second guy goes up, loses beat, Tommy tells him to keep the beat by tapping his foot.
The third guy goes up, loses beat, Tommy starts shouting at him telling him that he's an idiot with no sense of rhythm. Oliver quietly watches.

I go up, Tommy says to the others, "Now listen to Nigel, he will keep perfect beat, because he's a good musician." Tommy starts playing his 500 bassnotes, and 12 note chords (CDEFGAB...a Cmaj7sus4add13) and I'm desperately trying to make out what's happening.
"Ah!..err..Uh?, Ah! Eh? Sta-yi-yi-yin al...no..err..alive"
By now tommy is totaly stumped and curses the world for being full of heathens.

Oliver couldn't help himself anymore. Two days later tommy managed to throw a whole choir off...and Oliver got off his chair and started throwing f's and b's left right and centre....

"Tommy, you imbecile! You *&$#$%& fool! You %^*%#$ @$$hole!! You're the stupidest f-ing arse I've ever seen....you're playing SH*T, you're going to ruin my f-ing show!!"
"But see, Kevin, THEY'RE the ones messing up, they can't keep time"
"YOU F-ING FOOL!! YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT A WHOLE BLOODY CHOIR OF 40 odd STUDENTS CAN'T KEEP TIME???"
"Yeah"
By now ashivraj, sherinian and I were sniggering away, trying desperately not to laugh...tommy had that a long time coming.

The ironic thing is, he still didn't stop. In fact, he played more crap everyday, and got a good firing atleast 15 times. Some people are truly gifted.:rolleyes:

-Nigel

ashivraj

06-27-2002, 10:14 AM

Originally posted by Six String Stuntman Steve
... tommy, was dropped on his head.

... Some people are truly gifted.:rolleyes:

-Nigel

amen to that. he would play ten-finger chords, and ask for steve's or my opinion on them. i remember this one time, steve, him and i in the room:

tommy plays 10-finger chord. "how do you like this one?"
me: well what chord is it?
tommy: its like a C minor, add the 9th, augmented, subtract the 3rd, .... (on and on)
steve: you can subtract the third? anyway, you're not even playing the C note
tommy: see thats the beauty of the chord... its good no?
at this point, i sit at the other end of the piano stool (the higher notes), hold my hands in the air, and bang the keys with my forehead. then i say - see i can do better... how do you like *this* chord?

steve and i were in splits, but tommy looks at us, pretty lost, and says, well that chord doesn't have a bass note...

some people are truly gifted. :(

AS

mitchdoggMDR

06-27-2002, 10:36 AM

my first "gig" was at a 4-h talent show during the state conference. myself and a freind, scott, had lined up mxpx-chick magnet and blink 182-damnit. i had never before heard chick magnet. we both had some setting up to do, pluged into the house pa but then, the moran of a "sound tech" took the transformer for powering my effects processor. i tried to get it back but we had wasted enough time already. i plugged straight into my lil 6 watt amp and got it miced quick. while i was doing this, scott started to play into chick magnet. i got everything right, he fininshed the song, i did a quick check. we chatted for a bit, made sure everything was kinda working and started into damnit. he took all the parts except i had the interlude solo. it was a really simple 3 wire solo, barely any finger movement at all. i was on vocals. this was supposed to be keept clean so we were wondering what id do for during the second verse "did you hear he fucked her." once we got there, i was ready to either pause singing or say it under my breath but right at that moment BUMPBUMPBUMPBUMPBUMP. something had really fucked up, immediatly we both unpluged which for some reason fixed the problem befor when it happened. i was completly lost so we started into the chrous. and the rest of the song went well, we got back to the back stage. i grabbed my transformer from the asshole, bitched him out, packed up, and went to the balcony.

Six String Stuntman Steve

06-28-2002, 02:28 AM

Refer here (http://acapella.harmony-central.com/forums/showthread.php?postid=453014#post453014) for background on this story.

Oliver is a perfectionist....and he's ruthless. Everything has to be perfect on the first try, and if you screw up, you RUN FOR DEAR LIFE!! I guess it's a good thing, because Oliver always managed to do the best shows in the country, but it can be trying for the people involved.

About 2 days before the show the sound providers came in. At the helm was a scrony little fellow who looked like a stiff wind could blow him away. They set up in record time and there were millions of monitors, speakers, condensor mics, wireless head-attached mics for me and a few others, and loads of other stuff, including a lot of lights (some halogen).

As soundmen, all of you do know that you're gonna have to sit with all this stuff and slowly balance and cut out frequencies on each speaker, mic, and whatever else. It takes time, and more importantly, patience.

Oliver knew that, but he decided, what the hell. So at the first mic failure he blew up and abused the crap out of the soundtech. At the first speaker pop he threw out a loud "F****CK", and then the hisses started.

"STOP THE BLOODY SHOW"
I was centre stage at the time, and almost started pissing in my pants.
"THIS SHOW IS GOING TO SH*T!!! Nigel can't get his bloody act together, Sharon's singing like she's constipated, the choirs are so dead, they look like they're gonna fall off the bloody stage any minute.

"And as for sound! Tommy's playing so much sh*t that I can take a swim in his Caspian sea of SH*T, the piano sounds like a rat got into it and pissed, the bloody keyboards are too loud and the SOUNDMAN....THE F-ING SOUNDMAN!!! He's sitting there drinking his bloody coffee and giving me shit for sound...his cacophonic equipment sounds like a thousand pigeons being castrated.

"Come on everyone, stop whatever the hell you're doing and let's have a big round of applause for our bloody sound tech. He's so f-ing generous, he gave us these f-ing hisses, pops and feedback free of cost!!"

Most people went home with wet undies by the end of that day.

-Nigel

MrKnobs

06-30-2002, 12:15 AM

Here's a short road story that someone over in OJ enticed me to tell:

I've seen some amazing fights in bars, over the years. Sometimes guys against guys, sometimes girls against girls, and sometimes with really surprising results.

One time while I was running sound for a band in Dime Box, TX, a big tall dude was bullying a short dude about 20 ft from the sound board. I couldn't hear shit they were saying over the band, but it was obvious from the body language what was going down.

The big dude kept pushing the small dude's chest, and the small dude kept putting his hands up, palms forward, backing up, as if to say he didn't want to fight.

Suddenly the big guy threw a sloppy haymaker from out in left field. It never connected. The little guy stepped adroitly inside the punch, reached under the big guys crotch, picked him up bodily and slammed him to the concrete dance floor. He then calmly turned his back on the crowd and walked straight out the door without looking back.

The big dude was down for the count. EMS guys arrived and put on a neck collar, but it was over an hour before they moved him.

Watching this made me shudder. If I got in a fight at a bar that's the last thing I'd expect, getting picked up by the crotch and slammed into the floor.

Nobody knew the little guy and I think the cops never found him.

Terry D.

$$$TDP$$$

Zeromus-X

07-01-2002, 05:11 PM

Here's a mildly amusing one from Saturday.

We (http://www.starfront.net) had just finished our set, about 45 minutes long, and were in the process of unloading. We finally get all our stuff outside, and start loading into the van. We spend about 15 minutes doing this... I think that's record time for us, because we wanted to check out the band after us. I forget their name, but they were supposed to be pretty good.

So we go in there, and they're still setting up. They brought lights, PA, the works. Looks promising.

Our manager comes up to me and tells me to get the band rounded up, and to meet behind the building. We figured we had a little bit of time to set up, so we said okay. We took some promo shots behind the place that turned out to be pretty cool, and had a little band meeting about two hundred feet from the club. The place is loud.

Anyway, the band goes on while we're still talking. They're kinda heavy, but their singer has a pretty good voice. We're outside talking and finishing up, and they end their first song. We hear them start the second song, and -- wait, that's one of ours! We're sitting there completely silent and listening to this band kick into Bola (http://www.starconrpg.com/Starfront_-_Bola.mp3). And I'll be damned, they're doing it perfect, especially for a band that only heard us for the first time an hour ago. We're all looking at each other like "what in the fuck is going on?" and get up and all start running towards the building.

The song stops as the car parked behind the building shuts off its stereo. A guy walks out and says "thanks for the sampler!" and heads inside.

Cue look of extreme stupidity on five band members' faces.

6tring

07-02-2002, 10:09 AM

Here's one we did just recently. Played a small club in Tualatin/West Linn area. The 2nd night we turned everything on and went up and played the first set. All through that set everyone was telling us we needed to turn the sound up because they could barely hear the vocals. Everything sounded good to us through the monitors but we abliged the crowd and eased the mains fader up a little each time. By the end of the set we were perplexed with the constant requests to "TURN UP". When we took a break we took a closer look and found that the volume knob on the power amp had not been turned up. The signal from the monitors was fine because we use powered monitors. We have been gigging for almost 3 1/2 years now and this is the first time something like this has happened. What a night that was.....

IsildursBane

07-02-2002, 12:30 PM

I think the folks at my parents' church may be in the process of pulling a Stupid Story. They're installing a new PA system, for which I have provided some input and am the sole anonymous donor. They were looking at getting a Mackie 1604 mixer, but decided on a similarly equipped Crate mixer because "it was $300 cheaper." I don't know much about mixers, so I couldn't really give any good reasons why Crate=bad, Mackie=good; but I've never heard ANYBODY recommend at Crate mixer, so I'm inclined to believe that they're wasting their money. I also couldn't say "hey, wait till I send the next check so you can upgrade your mixer."

-Dan.

6tring

07-02-2002, 11:00 PM

I have an 8 channel powered crate mixer in the band room. Been using it pretty regularly for about 5 years. No problems yet. We run a Mackie 1604 board in the gig rig and it too has been a workhorse. They will probably be ok.

mackoid

07-04-2002, 06:50 PM

This story gets back to the orginal post of this thread...showing the ignorance and stupidity that people show when using their equipment. :eek:

Just got home from an outdoor festival. We did our own sound, but there was a few other performances who used another system. It was quite sickening to hear. The board was an old peavey 12-16 channel. Not quite an ancient table hog, but old still. FOH speakers - 2 Peavey SP118 and 2 SP2G's. If they were setup right, it would've been a nice kickin' little system. The problem is, they weren't. There was NO crossover...they powered all four cabs off of one CS-800S....two boxes daisy-chained on each side. (subs were 4 ohms, tops 8. That made a 2
-ohm load on each side of that poor amp) The overall sound was very muddy, and with no crossover, the drivers in the SP2's were working too hard; getting all the low-end right along with the subs. Also, the enginner seemed to enjoy the red clipping lights on the peavey channel strips...
However, the amps never quit, and I don't think I saw the DDT lights come on. More proof that CS-800's never die.

Keep 'em coming, guys. Terry, you're behind schedule. ;)

bassknave

07-04-2002, 06:56 PM

Mackoid--

Not to quibble, but an eight and a four ohm load per side works out to 2.67 ohms. Probably just enough to keep the smoke in on that poor CS-800.

Phil

mackoid

07-04-2002, 09:37 PM

Can't ever get anything past you.

agedhorse

07-04-2002, 11:37 PM

It's how tech-heads keep their chops up!

DPower

07-05-2002, 09:49 AM

Originally posted by 6tring
Here's one we did just recently. Played a small club in Tualatin/West Linn area. The 2nd night we turned everything on and went up and played the first set. All through that set everyone was telling us we needed to turn the sound up because they could barely hear the vocals. Everything sounded good to us through the monitors but we abliged the crowd and eased the mains fader up a little each time. By the end of the set we were perplexed with the constant requests to "TURN UP". When we took a break we took a closer look and found that the volume knob on the power amp had not been turned up. The signal from the monitors was fine because we use powered monitors. We have been gigging for almost 3 1/2 years now and this is the first time something like this has happened. What a night that was.....

I had something similar happen to me a few years back. I was doing sound at a bar in Mississaugua, for my studio manager/head engineer who worked this bar for a side income. The band playing was running through 70s disco and funk hits, and the lead singer was really smoking. I had a lot of trouble getting any volume out of the system though without the lead's mic feeding back. During the break, the bar owner came up to me and asked what was going on, to which I responded that I was in the process of figuring out. After checking all the amps etc... I ran my eyes and fingers across the surface of the board. Down near the end, I found a single channel with the solo function engaged, and its indicator light blown. Pissed off at this point, I pressed the button... Big mistake. Thank god for quick reactions. I quickly pulled back the mains, as the system went into full howl mode startling the patrons (and myself). Well, embarassed, I reset all my levels, and worked the rest of the show without a hitch.

I had a few words with the owner about letting people in the sound booth (i.e. the DJ) who touch things on the board without knowing what they're doing. All in all though, no harm, no foul, the only thing hurt was my pride.

Foooz

07-05-2002, 12:00 PM

Had one a couple of weeks ago that was along the same lines. Recently the sound engineer we had been working with moved on to bigger dreams. He did however set up the board one time and show my wife (I know, I know you don't have to go there :D ) what to turn when. She even smugly showed me later that night on a break that I did not need to mute all the channels on breaks just the busses (8 vs. 18 buttons). Well things went ok that weekend so decided to let her do it again the next weekend (I know, I know you don't have to go there :D ). During soundcheck I went out to the board and she was complaining about the effects being to heavy I also noticed the volume was very low but the mains were up fairly high. I muted the effects channel and still had heavy effects it was then that I noticed the mute buttons on the busses were in. Agitated I started pushing them and got the large howl :eek: that I should have expected. Anyway gave her a hard time about these buttons she had showed me last week ;) and let it go at that since sound checks are for stupid things like that. Well it comes to show time we kick off with a song I sing. Noticed that my wife was looking at the board funny :( . As the second song started see the roadie head to the mains and start sticking his ear up them. I head off the stage and to the board, probably don't need to tell you that I found those same 8 f**ck#*g buttons in :mad: . I pulled the main faders down cleared the buttons and brought the mains in. She became a hired hand at that point, the rest of the song I spent with a few (quite a few) four letter words aimed at her and those little buttons. Anyway bet she doesn't forget that one again although with any luck I will find a sound engineer by the next gig and let her go back to lights.
foooz

Six String Stuntman Steve

07-05-2002, 01:43 PM

Last year I joined a band called "Rhapsody" for a brief stint. The leader (singer) was a guy named Shane who I felt kinda sorry for because he couldn't walk because of a meningitus attack in his youth. The bassist, a whacko named Sanio, was his "sidekick" if you like. They weren't great musicians as such. Shane had a good voice that worked, i guess, but Sanio was an average bass player. Nothing great about them.

Shane had a really irritating "autocratic" way of doing things. The band was going no place because every new song would be an Elvis tune or something out of the 60s....Shane wouldn't permit any form of rock, and the drummer, other guitarist and myself all got quite frustrated and split.

I helped Shane out a few months later with some solo singing stuff because I felt sorry for the guy. He proved to be more of a stubborn mule everyday. Then the compositions started.

"Hey check out this knew tune Sanio and I composed".
All were inevitably some below-mediocre C Am F G pieces with half-ass lyrics about loving a girl and flying away with her. I said nothing. Finally I couldn't take his frequent (and rather devastating for the rest of us) attitude swings anymore and left. The last I remember talking to him was when he was telling me that he and Sanio were going to quit their day jobs to persue full time music playing in small restaurants. In my country we don't have a flourishing "bar" scene for bands and quitting your job is like jumping into a well.

.....

Today, almost a year later, I pick up the newspaper....and these two jokers are on the COVER PAGE of the tabloid. Apparently they made it big at some live performance at some local event....and they're being SPONSORED by God knows whom to go into the studio and record their tunes :eek:!!!

And here I am with a PC with a virus trying to get Cakewalk to work.

There's no justice in this world.

-Nigel

ATOMICDOG1

07-05-2002, 04:16 PM

This past week our singer managed to blow the fuses on all four channels of a dimmer pack. We were a little behind setting up and the singers job was to help get the lights up and running. So he gets the bar into position and proceeds to plug in the dimmer and then the lights. He plugs the first can in and theres a large arc in the can, seems that theres a short in the mogul and the fuse blows. So he says "hmmm" takes THE SAME PLUG and inserts it into the next channel with the same results, he repeats this process on each of the channels and then comes to me and says " I dont think the dimmer's working. It took me 10 minutes to figure out what actually happened. All he said was the light was making a "flash" when he plugged it in so he tried a different outlet. GRRRR
:mad:

Six String Stuntman Steve

07-06-2002, 01:45 AM

I remember when I got into the whole excitement of my first proper recording. It wasn't my first song...but I really wanted to record this. I was using Cakewalk and had to sequence the drums, bass and keys on my Ensoniq Workstation.

So one morning, after I'd finalized the song structure, I woke up at 5:30...and got to the keys at 6:00am and started sequncing away. This wasn't your everyday pop tune...it was a prog tune with double bass drums, 64th notes, the whole deal :D. I was naturally quite excited.

I skipped breakfast, lunch and dinner and didn't take any breaks...all the way till 8:00PM!! Then my mom walked in with the vacuum cleaner...and pulled out the first plug she saw.

And in all my excitement, I hadn't saved a thing the whole time. That was 14 hours down the drain...aaarrrggh. :mad:

..........

My prelims a month later weren't too good, so my study leave for my board exams, my folx took the pc into their room, which they would lock when they went to work.

This was a rather trifling setback...so I set to work.

Every morning, I'd find a window of opportunity to sneak into their room and unlock their balcony door from the inside.

Then when they went to work, I would get out into my balcony with the guitar and keys and get into their balcony and go into their room and get onto the PC. Did I mention I live on the 21st floor? :D

I finished the tune that way....it was called "Greenstar Part 1 (http://www.digitalsoundplanet.com/VirtualStudios/Listen/detail.php?eltid=1742)".

:D
-Nigel

PS.....for all of you worried about me falling down 21 floors and damaging my guitar...it was one big connected balcony by the way.

Six String Stuntman Steve

07-06-2002, 10:12 AM

Just before school closed for the summer, I learned that they were gonna sanction a certain amount of money to the "music section" for all round improvement. The sum was to be appx $3000 USD.

For years now our great "head of music dept.", Tommy, has been b*tchin away about how the school sound system is crap and there are no good facilities, no drums, no guitar amps, mediocre mics, cheap keyboards, etc.

When I found out about the donation, I went straight to the Headmaster and said that I'd like to help in choosing the right stuff. Over here, that amount of money would be sufficient to get a cheap drumset and a small guitar amp, then still have money left over for a decent workstation and a mic or two.

BUT

I gathered from my brief stint with the Headmaster that Tommy already took the money and billed the school for some absolutely top of the line Korg workstation (which we don't need that much).

AND THEN

He billed them again for appx a little under $900 USD......get this......as "carriage" for the instrument.

Note, the distance between the music store central and our school is no more than 75km....and the school has an official "business car". Dubai would fit on Ellis island.

That's not all.

I further managed to gather from my subsequent investigation that he took the workstation home....and said that he would bring it back "when the school requires it".

All the school every really has are couple of special ceremonies here and there...or a number of special functions where a choir sings along with a piano and sometime a bass and guitar.

Whenever we do have a big fest, we hire a whole sound package from outside...and keys come with the package. Tommy knows that.

Damn...I thought this guy was a real duffer until now. But this one really affirms my belief that the principal is still an @$$ for sanctioning all of this (refer to earlier posts on pages 2-5)

:confused:
-Nigel

Hey Abhi, if you're reding this....the money was 10,000 dhs "slash dash" as part of the 50,000 we won for the Hamdan award.

qtuner

07-06-2002, 10:28 PM

call the school board, and superintendent and get his ass fired.

Six String Stuntman Steve

07-07-2002, 12:20 AM

Originally posted by qtuner
call the school board, and superintendent and get his ass fired. Heh, if only it was that easy! :D

The principal hates the sight of my wretched face...simply because I'm more into rock...and in his opinion, I don't have any talent because "it doesn't take any talent to play an "electric guitar".

As for good ol' Tommy, the funny bit is...I do his job half the time...and I don't get paid!! :D

Now they've made him teacher of some kids class and they leave most of the musical stuff to me...he just signs the papers. Oh did I say "they"? I meant "HE" comes to me, telling me it's an "opportunity to shine"....and I end up doing the job for him. Glutton for punishment, I am.

Reminds me of another story.

Last year our school b'day crept up again, bringing with it the "Creative Festival". That year the choir song chosen for the opening ceremony was "I believe I can Fly" by R. Kelly.

Fair enough, the principal announced auditions, I went to sing...and got stuck in the guitar slot as usual. ashivraj got stuck on bass.

As is tradition, the principal walked in on the first day itself, saw my face, associated it with the name "D'Souza", and said, "no, he's not solemn, enough, he'll ruin the show." and so as is tradition, Abhi and I got the boot.

I say tradition because it happens every time there's a ceremony, and we get called in 2 days before to save Tommy's lousy @$$.

And as is tradition, the headmaster came to my class one day and called me out. He was gasping and pale as a ghost who's just seen a rat.

"Nigel, did you hear the song this morning at the rehearsal assembly?"
"err, no sir, I went for tryouts for the..."
"Nevermind....please, you have to do something. Go to the music room today...and do something....SALVAGE THE SONG! It's dead, the songers don't know what's happening, they'r esinging like they're dead...it sounds AWFUL."

I'll never forget the word he used..."Salvage". :D

So I showed up that afternoon, the choir was in...and the principal walked in with the headmaster and saw my face and nearly threw up....but I guess the headmaster told him to play nice....so he stood at the other end of the room, as if he feared contracting measels from me...and spoke..

"errr, yes, err, Abhishek and..err...D'Souza are talented chaps...err...especially Abhishek...and they'll get the song working in no time."

So I decided to be a hero and spoke up
"Well sir, I don't know...I mean...only two days...and reworking the whole choir and..."
"Be quiet....have you no responsibility?"

He then lectured me for 15 minutes about responsibility and devotion and dedication to the school and pride in doing a good job....so I finally submitted.

So we got down to work...and Tommy started playing. As I've said in an earlier post...he's famous for his maj7th-addthe5th-augmentthe8th-castratethe11th chords. And this time was no exception. He started off the song with some wierd 12 note chord (note: there are 12 notes in a chromatic ;)) and the WHOLE choir (about 30 of 'em) didn't have the foggiest idea what to do! :eek:

So Abhi and I got some of the boys in....reworked the whole choir breakups...got rid of the 10 piece harmonies which the singers couldn't follow.....and put some life into the damn thing.

And at the end of the ceremony....about 15 people went up to Tommy, in front of us, and told him how beautiful the song sounded!!

You guys should meet him....he's the 8th wonder of the world I tell ya....you don't know what you're missing!!! Did I tell you he could set a delay processor so that the delay signal comes out once second BEFORE the input??? :D:eek::cool: Read this earlier post (http://acapella.harmony-central.com/forums/showthread.php?postid=167844#post167844)!!!

:D
-Nigel

ashivraj

07-07-2002, 02:18 AM

Originally posted by Six String Stuntman Steve
... Hey Abhi, if you're reding this....the money was 10,000 dhs "slash dash" as part of the 50,000 we won for the Hamdan award.

dude... when i was there, guzder had big plans of getting a triton... which rai walked around saying tree-nhee-tron (sounds like the sony tv thing)... as in "abhheee aahre you sayy thhees treenheetron eejh vhaary goohd?"

see if u can find out what board we have. while you're at it, also tell tommy i got a 5string bass and a nice little ampeg amp. playing alone, 50 watts isnt too bad. in fact, it would comfortably power the IT centre or some similar room. hall, mayyybe not; classroom definitely; etc.

rush's vapor trails is out - had no money on hand or i would've bought. audio cassettes here are ridiculously expensive - equivalent to dhs45 for an audio tape; CDs are shit cheap tho. double CD for equivalent of dhs75. the new aerosmith double CD, the DT double CDs, etc... all like dhs75... and i had no cash today :(

anyway im outta here... sounds like im writing an email here! have some nice stories to post... not so great but fun stuff anyway... like this one gig where the band thought they were dream theater going loud, except they had like 15watt amps and insisted on blowing up to full level. so we get this brilliant idea - we turned the amps backwards (i.e. facing the performers) and placed mics in front of them, saying that it would help the FOH eq and levels. then we had most of the mics off, and here and there turned them out to a mousefart level. the bands thought it was awesome coz all 15watts of tinny guitar was being thrown back at the singer's face, etc.

another gig, there's this lead singer guy singing through his nose, sounding worse than sanjay even... so i run up to brent on the mixer and say, DUUUUDE MUTE CHANNEL 4! so brent says "why, is it feeding back?" i said, just do it!

so he turns off 4... then looks at me funny and says, something's missing...

... soon to discover that i'd managed to mute 2 lines of the lead singer's solo lines, so that was quite fun too.

AS

Six String Stuntman Steve

07-07-2002, 03:11 AM

Originally posted by ashivraj
dude... when i was there, guzder had big plans of getting a triton... which rai walked around saying tree-nhee-tron (sounds like the sony tv thing)... as in "abhheee aahre you sayy thhees treenheetron eejh vhaary goohd?" I really didn't bother to find out what keyboard that quack bought.....but the mofo sacrificed all the monitor money, and the drum money, and the amp money which we f*ckin EARNED over the last few years.....over some absolute top of the line keyboard....I dunno which...but guzder said it was a "good casio".....which means either that the keys light up when you play them or that Tommy bought some feckin Kurtzweil just because it looked cool and had more features than he has brain power (which doesn't really say much about the keys).

I still didn't get the point in your "big cool 50 watt amp"....but I ain't sayin shit. I ain't telling Tommy sh*t...because I've decided that I've taken enough of his shit.......I blew up and fired the bastid before prize day....and he still begs me to do more shit for him after that. No feckin dignity.

As for the board....like I said...no-one has the foggiest clue what it is...they only know that Tommy blew the better part of OUR HARD EARNED CASH and then billed the school to claim the remainder as "carriage". @$$hole :mad:rush's vapor trails is out - had no money on hand or i would've bought. audio cassettes here are ridiculously expensive - equivalent to dhs45 for an audio tape; CDs are shit cheap tho. double CD for equivalent of dhs75. the new aerosmith double CD, the DT double CDs, etc... all like dhs75... and i had no cash todayVapour Trails came out May 14th...still hasn't hit DxB yet...actually I haven't shopped around in about a month. I found the DT CD at Carrefour selling for 50dhs....bcuz some guy thought it was a single disc....and marked the whole batch 50!!! I love that place now.

Believe me that DT CD is worth every bit of the 50dhs I paid...and more...it's bloody outstanding. But I know you're never gonna buy it "because Lumaine didn't tell you to, and the chix don't listen to that stuff, and there's more than 3 chords in the song".

F off.this one gig where the band thought they were dream theater going loud, except they had like 15watt amps and insisted on blowing up to full level. so we get this brilliant idea - we turned the amps backwards (i.e. facing the performers) and placed mics in front of them, saying that it would help the FOH eq and levels. then we had most of the mics off, and here and there turned them out to a mousefart level. the bands thought it was awesome coz all 15watts of tinny guitar was being thrown back at the singer's face, etc. Good Lord, suddenly Andrew comes to mind. :eek: "Hey Nig, check it out, I can play Greenstar" (turns gain up full and bashes out some crap). I thought specimens like him only lived in this country.

Oh and here's a bit of news. This morning Suraj called me from the airport to say bye before leaving for college.....and it turns out our dearest Tommy missed his flight to Calcutta...which is fully booked till September. Serves him right....he can sit at home and play on his new keyboard.

If I ever die of high blood pressure....he's gonna be the cause.

-Nigel