One Night Stand?!

[eagle1]

Hi guys and gals.

I was bored @ work last week and started writing
something. Basically I believe the song is quite clear and self-explanatory (at least to me! ;)).

Could you take a look at the lyrics and hit me with opinions?


In this room so cold,
as we lay in bed,
we realize
all this will end.

Not a mistake,
this feels so good,
but still I will
walk out this room.

Pre. Chorus.

I took it far tonight,
I see the morning light,
I smell of your perfume
can't hide it now, can you?

Chorus

Here comes the rain for me,
washing away my sins
Sorry for this I did
Swear It will not repeat.


Today relaxed at home,
breakfast ready, here he comes,
fix his tie, fix his shirt
and deep you're asking: "Does he knows?"

Relaxed at home,
she's still asleep
and I'm alone
of course I'm thinking: "Does she knows?"

Chorus

Bridge

Something to understand
if there's much love
then why take the chance
of having a last one night stand.

Chorus


I recorded most of the song to have an idea of the melody.
I'm thinking of removing the electric guitar and just record with my acoustic as always. Anyway if you can comment on this also it will be appreciated.

http://gelocks.topcities.com/Music/Incomplete_pegaera-03.mp3

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=639185&songID=5682707

[Airsean]

Does he knows?


Is this a typo or did you really write it like that?

Some parts of this song just read awkward. However, that doesnt mean squat if it sounds ok sung. As poetry this isn't great, but as a song it has potential. Try to get a sound file up for us to hear.

[eagle1]

Is not a typo. ;)

Basically the song is about a man and a woman having a one night stand, feeling good about the sex part but fully knowing that they have to part ways. (First 2 verses) Thing is that both of them have their someone (the other verses after the chorus) and their conscience is playing with them... (i.e. I try to picture their next morning after having sex with a stranger and their behavior with their special someone...)

something like that. ;)

Is just still an idea floating in my head so feel free to suggest anything you might have in mind.
I have a sound file posted in soundclick and on my page (first post).

Thanks.

[Airsean]

You missed my point about the "Does he knows?" line.

It's incredibly poor grammer, and not even poetic liscence can be stretched to accomodate that gaffe. The simple fix would be to remove the "s" and then it will work.

[eagle1]

Oh!!!

Well, English is not my primary language and I usually make mistakes like these so thanks for the correction really! I will sue Microsoft word for not finding this in their spell and grammar check!!!! :lol:

[eagle1]

Any more comments, suggestions or ideas?
I still haven't recorded this completely (which I'll do!!).

Thanks.

[bluesway]

You missed my point about the "Does he knows?" line.

It's incredibly poor grammer, and not even poetic liscence can be stretched to accomodate that gaffe. The simple fix would be to remove the "s" and then it will work.

uh....that would be "license" there, professor.




:thu::lol:



sorry. i couldn't help it. hehehe

[bluesway]

hey, angel.

well, this tune sounds like a good effort, but there's things in the recording that don't vibe. first off, that electric guitar is added to make it better, but it's taking away alot. since this is a demo idea, i'd just bag it. also, the drums get too intense for the package. you have foo fighters drumming over a less 'up' song.....and the song is correct; not the drums. in fact, i bet you could calm this out a bit more and do the PR 'bohemia' vibe a little bit.

the song sample tapers off at [what i imagine to be] the bridge - i'd actually like to hear that, if it's fully developed. it could be the 'thing' that's missing for me in this tune.

another thing is one of my old nits when it comes to you: (of course, meant in the light of improvement) i still don't hear your voice. i hear a voice that you 'put on' like makeup before you sing. it sounds faked.....and i know many who do it. i think you should work on supporting your voice better; learn proper breathing and singing from your diaphragm. (and i'm definitely not one to be talking here. :) )

right now, you are forming your vocal tone TOO much with your mouth; it's a trait that easily noticable, easily understandable (it comes from not being totally comfortable with singing), and easily fixable too. . . . . . with practice. you could be a much better singer, i believe.

even a few vocal exercises would help you immensely.

overall, you have a good foundation to build on here. nice. ! :thu:

[eagle1]

hey, angel.

well, this tune sounds like a good effort, but there's things in the recording that don't vibe. first off, that electric guitar is added to make it better, but it's taking away alot. since this is a demo idea, i'd just bag it. also, the drums get too intense for the package. you have foo fighters drumming over a less 'up' song.....and the song is correct; not the drums. in fact, i bet you could calm this out a bit more and do the PR 'bohemia' vibe a little bit.

Yep.
I'm thinking of putting the electric aside (is just that I'm starting to practice with it since it's gathering dust in my room) and just play acoustic. About the drum track, also agree. I have the Percussion set for EZ Drummer so I'll probably go with acoustic and latin percussion even if it's just bongos or something..


the song sample tapers off at [what i imagine to be] the bridge - i'd actually like to hear that, if it's fully developed. it could be the 'thing' that's missing for me in this tune.

I still don't have the whole song yet.
I recorded that just so I don't forget how I want it to sound (the melody).
My cheap recorder is broken and that's what I usually use to record quick ideas! :(


another thing is one of my old nits when it comes to you: (of course, meant in the light of improvement) i still don't hear your voice. i hear a voice that you 'put on' like makeup before you sing. it sounds faked.....and i know many who do it. i think you should work on supporting your voice better; learn proper breathing and singing from your diaphragm. (and i'm definitely not one to be talking here. :) )

right now, you are forming your vocal tone TOO much with your mouth; it's a trait that easily noticable, easily understandable (it comes from not being totally comfortable with singing), and easily fixable too. . . . . . with practice. you could be a much better singer, i believe.

even a few vocal exercises would help you immensely.

Agree.
A lot of people have told me that I like singing nasally! :lol:
But really, I'm thinking of taking some classes.

What I'm not sure is though, does this happens when I sing in English? Spanish? or both?!? Or maybe is my range? That When I go out of it I rely on this other "masked voice"?


overall, you have a good foundation to build on here. nice. ! :thu:



Thanks for all your constructive comments!
They are always welcomed!

[bluesway]

dude, about your voice,
it's NOT nasal inasmuch as it is you are just not properly using your mouth as a sound resonating channel. i would definitely sit down with a vocal coach for a few private lessons. have them focus on technique and exercises.....breathing is a priority, but the pallettes are more where your issues lay. don't get the professor to teach you songs. they fucking LOVE doing that...it keeps the student coming....and paying. just get basic exercises.....and yes, i did that a few years ago. i'm not the best singer, but i have things i KNOW HOW to work on.....and a very good understanding of why certain things don't sound right when i sing them. that helps alot.


read this. (http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-2013,subcat-ARTS.html)

THIS really helps (http://academic.scranton.edu/student/TRANB2/Breathing_Techniques.html)...and it's simple. DO the lying on your back thing. i still do it sometimes when i feel i'm not supporting right.

take it easy,
g

[bluesway]

Yep.

What I'm not sure is though, does this happens when I sing in English? Spanish? or both?!? Or maybe is my range? That When I go out of it I rely on this other "masked voice"?




okay...i'm not in the room when you're singing, so i don't know for sure the answer to the 'range' question, but typically, that IS the case. we tend to fall back on bad habits when we extend out of our comfort zone. when well-within our vocal range, control and support is easy.....getting too high or too low is tougher....alot. we regress. it's the same with guitar playing, too. i don't know how much right hand technique you have practiced, but when i fall into a run that is 'too fast' for my comfort zone, my first instinct is to wind up leaving it behind. that's where consciousness comes in. you must be conscious of what you're doing. it comes out in different ways for different instruments: the drummers speed up, the singers sing from their mouths, the guitarists stiffen up, etc.

practice speaking with proper singing technique. it's one of the ways to get you happening without dedicated practice time in the shed. ....it's one of the little bonuses of being a singer. you can work technique at work. good shit.

hit me back for any questions and i'll do my best.

g

[DaSpider]

I think you have something going here (keep working on it, don't throw it away!), but I would tighten up the chorus some. It feels a little awkward.

I didn't mind the production so much (it's just a demo), but I liked the drums more than the electric guitar! Maybe turn down the guitar a little when you do your real take.

BTW, bluesway is right about your vocals. If I didn't have the lyrics in front of me, I don't think I would have understood.

Neall

[rsadasiv]

You missed my point about the "Does he knows?" line.

It's incredibly poor grammer, and not even poetic liscence can be stretched to accomodate that gaffe. The simple fix would be to remove the "s" and then it will work.

That's grammar, professor....

I got a Billy Bragg kind of vibe from the song. I thought the electric guitar did add something - maybe it could be used more sparingly to greater effect.

I liked the lyrics pretty well. Your English is way better than my Spanish, but there are still a few rough spots. Tonight/light is a bad, tired, rhyme.

[Eclepto Funk]

That's grammar, professor....



not to mention accommodate

(dude just struck out)


eagle1: this type of pop-rock song isn't my thing, but i think it has a lot of promise. lyrically, i wish i knew more about the characters in the song ... more personal details .... as is, it sort of feels like a very general song, with very little personal investment from the author ...

[bluesway]

hehehe. "struck out" lol.

[atemporarywind]

I sincerely hope that you have someone in the song yelling out "Pre Chorus" and "Chorus". Sure, it's like a Timbaland thing, but why not push it a little more.

[ido1957]

I REALLY like the recording. It's not a great quality recording but the idea is clear and the feel is excellent.

The lyrics are simple, and could use some more details or information to add to the story of the sadness.

I've listened to several songs today and this one is by far the most appealing to me....:thu:

[eagle1]

I think you have something going here (keep working on it, don't throw it away!), but I would tighten up the chorus some. It feels a little awkward.

I didn't mind the production so much (it's just a demo), but I liked the drums more than the electric guitar! Maybe turn down the guitar a little when you do your real take.

BTW, bluesway is right about your vocals. If I didn't have the lyrics in front of me, I don't think I would have understood.

Neall

Hi DaSpider!
Thanks for your comments. I'll work on the guitars some more as I believe I wont be doing electric on this tune. Working some more on the lyrics and chorus also. I'll post an update probably next week.

Thanks again for listening. ;)

[eagle1]

not to mention accommodate

(dude just struck out)


eagle1: this type of pop-rock song isn't my thing, but i think it has a lot of promise. lyrically, i wish i knew more about the characters in the song ... more personal details .... as is, it sort of feels like a very general song, with very little personal investment from the author ...

Thanks for listening and for your comments Eclepto Funk.
Yeah, I'm kind of updating the lyrics so that people are aware of what they
did and WHY they feel so down after that night.

Thanks again.

[eagle1]

Thanks for your comments @ atemporarywind, ido1957.

I guess I have to listen to Timbaland more!!! ;) :lol:

To everyone, I'll see if I can finish something up later in the week and post it.
I will leave the old and new versions so you can compare.
I'm also thinking of using a capo on the guitar and see if that "helps" or "alleviates" my vocals. Let's see.

Thanks!

[Rudolf von Hagenwil]

Tip! Change the storyboard to hand stand and two guys, and the lyrics will be perfect !!!!!

http://www.circusperformers.org/assets/images/acrobatic_hand_stand.jpg

.

[Rudolf von Hagenwil]

Well, maybe better a red song with a Malibu beach surf feeling, like that:

http://www.duo-synergy.de/assets/images/Beach_Boys_Flag_a.jpg

.

[eagle1]

hehehehehehe
I almost crapped my pants after looking at the pics!
This could be a good idea for the Songwriting Challenge 2 !!!! :p